Venting Avoiding joy and positive feelings ...

[Praestat_Mori]

I don't know why I want to avoid joy and positive feelings so much lately, well yes the reason is another failure and, resulting from this, more problems. What else could have happened anyway? So again no positive change in reach.

I spend almost the whole day and night in my room where the depressed feeling and the thoughts about CTB are very strong and deep. I could just move to another room in my home to feel a bit "better". I could play with my birds and they produce a massive amount of joy inside me when they come and want to play. This feeling of joy is like a threat somehow and I move back into my room again to find tranquility and peace in deep depression thinking about CTB. It's as if a dark energy pulls me into my room trying to suck the last energy out of me. And I can't resist.

What a cruel life, trying to avoid joys ...

 

[The anhedonic one]

Any attachments to life make us feel more emotionally vulnerable.
Especially when you have been in that dark place of avoidance.
These attachments also threaten our CTB plans. They sometimes trick us into thinking that maybe life is worth living after all.
I am like one of those Buddhist types who are no longer attached to anything or anyone in this dreadful world.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable wanting to avoid those feelings as after all anything that is seen as being positive in this world only exists to be taken away and inevitably lead to more torment once one is forced to confront reality. Existence certainly is so unnecessarily cruel and I think that deep down there is no real relief from suffering in this horrible world, existing truly is a futile and hopeless process of slowly dying, we are all doomed to suffer. But anyway I wish you the best.