Venting Autism will be the end of me

[guestguest360]

This is my first post since joining the forum last month. I'm a bit nervous about being so open here but I don't have a safe space offline where I can air my true feelings as they're too much for other people. People tell me to reach out when I feel suicidal but when it actually comes down to it I just get invalidated or not taken seriously because of my presentation so I've given up asking for help now.

I was diagnosed with Autism nearly a year ago. Whilst I'm glad to have answers to the questions I've had all my life I'm struggling with the fact that this is lifelong. Nobody realises how much being Autistic affects me because I look like I manage well on the outside. But I'm really suffering and have been for a long time. I can never escape the feeling of not belonging anywhere and I feel like my whole existence is wrong. I'm so anxious and paranoid whenever I leave the house because people look at me like I'm alien, confirming my belief that I don't belong in this world.

The impact Autism has had on my mental health over the years is truly catastrophic. I've tried medications and different therapies to improve my mental health but nothing has worked enough for me. I believe I'm a lost cause when it comes to support as nobody understands my needs or just me in general. I feel like I only have one option to end this misery which is to CTB. These feelings aren't a new thing for me. I've spent the last 12 years thinking about CTB. I do feel ready to go because I'm so tired of all the pain I'm carrying and I don't have a lot of fight left. The only issue is that my fear massively holds me back from attempting again. My last one didn't work. I want this time to be final but I'm terrified something will go wrong and I'll end up worse off than I am now or that I'll back out. Wanting to go but being too afraid to go through with it is such a frustrating and agonising feeling. I don't know what to do. I just want it to be as pain free as possible. But is any method ever really painless?

 

[SchizoGymnast]

This is my first post since joining the forum last month. I'm a bit nervous about being so open here but I don't have a safe space offline where I can air my true feelings as they're too much for other people. People tell me to reach out when I feel suicidal but when it actually comes down to it I just get invalidated or not taken seriously because of my presentation so I've given up asking for help now.

I was diagnosed with Autism nearly a year ago. Whilst I'm glad to have answers to the questions I've had all my life I'm struggling with the fact that this is lifelong. Nobody realises how much being Autistic affects me because I look like I manage well on the outside. But I'm really suffering and have been for a long time. I can never escape the feeling of not belonging anywhere and I feel like my whole existence is wrong. I'm so anxious and paranoid whenever I leave the house because people look at me like I'm alien, confirming my belief that I don't belong in this world.

The impact Autism has had on my mental health over the years is truly catastrophic. I've tried medications and different therapies to improve my mental health but nothing has worked enough for me. I believe I'm a lost cause when it comes to support as nobody understands my needs or just me in general. I feel like I only have one option to end this misery which is to CTB. These feelings aren't a new thing for me. I've spent the last 12 years thinking about CTB. I do feel ready to go because I'm so tired of all the pain I'm carrying and I don't have a lot of fight left. The only issue is that my fear massively holds me back from attempting again. My last one didn't work. I want this time to be final but I'm terrified something will go wrong and I'll end up worse off than I am now or that I'll back out. Wanting to go but being too afraid to go through with it is such a frustrating and agonising feeling. I don't know what to do. I just want it to be as pain free as possible. But is any method ever really painless?

I have autism and brain injury with medical complications. So I know this all too well. Something to keep in mind is that what you are experiencing may not be *totally* inherent to autism. I found out a few months ago that I was a victim of sibling abuse, and that was obviously filtered through the lens of autism. Did that magically change everything in my life? No, but it gave me a way forward.

As far as CTB, the harsh truth is that there is no guaranteed, painless method of CTB. Some are more effective and less painful than others. You would need to do research and get comfortable with it. Keep in mind that even if it hurts, it presumably won't last long. Drugs and poisons are my preferred method personally.

 

[guestguest360]

I have autism and brain injury with medical complications. So I know this all too well. Something to keep in mind is that what you are experiencing may not be *totally* inherent to autism. I found out a few months ago that I was a victim of sibling abuse, and that was obviously filtered through the lens of autism. Did that magically change everything in my life? No, but it gave me a way forward.

As far as CTB, the harsh truth is that there is no guaranteed, painless method of CTB. Some are more effective and less painful than others. You would need to do research and get comfortable with it. Keep in mind that even if it hurts, it presumably won't last long. Drugs and poisons are my preferred method personally.

Agreed. There are other factors that have contributed to my poor mental health which I didn't mention. But I would say Autism is probably the reason for a lot of struggles I face. I just didn't realise before I was diagnosed. I'm sorry you relate to this. It's truly so hard.

Thanks for this. I think it is a case of doing more research. I have methods in mind but I want to be sure about my choice

 

[Cauliflour]

I can never escape the feeling of not belonging anywhere and I feel like my whole existence is wrong.

Well, if this helps, the autism gene has stuck around in the gene pool for some kind of reason, otherwise it would've probably died out over the generations.

 

[Hope;ess Fear]

I'm autistic too, and I was ok with it, at least until the guy in charge of my country's health department started talking about autism being worse than deadly diseases and how we should be put in camps.

Now I'm terrified, all the time. The homeless were first in Germany too, then the mentally ill. I almost wish they would just come and kill me. I can't take it any longer.

 

[amerie]

This disorder is incredibly lonely. You need to hide every part of yourself to survive in the world which leaves you with no genuine connections or people to confide in. If your mask ends up slipping even for a second, most people will see you differently. And even then if you do mask successfully you're the last person they consider for work events or promotions. It's hard.

Even worse I feel like a lot of cringe irony content is just mocking the mannerisms of neurodivergent people. Which obviously I mean I'm not going to act like they should quit making content or try to stop them but it shows the truth about how people actually feel about this disorder no matter how many TikTok reposts they have about mental health.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I'm autistic too, and I was ok with it, at least until the guy in charge of my country's health department started talking about autism being worse than deadly diseases and how we should be put in camps.

Now I'm terrified, all the time. The homeless were first in Germany too, then the mentally ill. I almost wish they would just come and kill me. I can't take it any longer.

It's that bad in Germany? Awful.

This disorder is incredibly lonely. You need to hide every part of yourself to survive in the world which leaves you with no genuine connections or people to confide in. If your mask ends up slipping even for a second, most people will see you differently. And even then if you do mask successfully you're the last person they consider for work events or promotions. It's hard.

Even worse I feel like a lot of cringe irony content is just mocking the mannerisms of neurodivergent people. Which obviously I mean I'm not going to act like they should quit making content or try to stop them but it shows the truth about how people actually feel about this disorder no matter how many TikTok reposts they have about mental health.

Neurotypicals seem to have autism/neurodivergent radar installed into them that makes them detect us and bully us as hard as they can.

 

[amerie]

It's that bad in Germany? Awful.



Neurotypicals seem to have autism/neurodivergent radar installed into them that makes them detect us and bully us as hard as they can.

I don't think that it's intentional, I think it's the same logic of those hyper realistic AI videos. They look incredibly similar to humans but something is off, and you feel a little uncomfortable.

I also think that apart of the disorder is having bad social awareness, maybe we're not aware about an odd mannerism or bad joke that we made. But yes it doesn't excuse the bullying or exclusion, well people don't need to like us but I don't know. This sucks and it makes me want to die.

I don't know if I'm officially autistic because the waiting list to get diagnosed sucks ass and is expensive and it would make life harder for me as a black woman and my mom has talked about wanting to put me under a conservatorship to have control over me so I'm just scared. I have to sacrifice getting help in order to move forward in life and it makes me want to die faster, I feel so misunderstood and lost.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

I don't think that it's intentional, I think it's the same logic of those hyper realistic AI videos. They look incredibly similar to humans but something is off, and you feel a little uncomfortable.

I also think that apart of the disorder is having bad social awareness, maybe we're not aware about an odd mannerism or bad joke that we made. But yes it doesn't excuse the bullying or exclusion, well people don't need to like us but I don't know. This sucks and it makes me want to die.

I don't know if I'm officially autistic because the waiting list to get diagnosed sucks ass and is expensive and it would make life harder for me as a black woman and my mom has talked about wanting to put me under a conservatorship to have control over me so I'm just scared. I have to sacrifice getting help in order to move forward in life and it makes me want to die faster, I feel so misunderstood and lost.

Well what you said is correct but most of humanity equates not liking someone/something TO actively disliking them, especially when actively disliking that person can get them social points at school or at work or even in public.

I really want to say that I'm sorry you have such a bad parent but that feels pointless to me. You don't deserve this shit and it's clear that society doesn't care. I don't know what we could do frankly, this world seems like it's made to exploit loopholes and nothing more, people see it as a game and search on how to actively destroy rules and laws and tip toe around them.

Our suffering is not seen, I really don't want to type this and sadden you but I've seen an older person (and there are probably many more) that thought me being the way I am is to get an advantage or skip working, etc. Basically they projected their exploiting loopholes dynamic onto me. These are the people we live with, we are in hell.

 

[amerie]

Well what you said is correct but most of humanity equates not liking someone/something TO actively disliking them, especially when actively disliking that person can get them social points at school or at work or even in public.

I really want to say that I'm sorry you have such a bad parent but that feels pointless to me. You don't deserve this shit and it's clear that society doesn't care. I don't know what we could do frankly, this world seems like it's made to exploit loopholes and nothing more, people see it as a game and search on how to actively destroy rules and laws and tip toe around them.

Our suffering is not seen, I really don't want to type this and sadden you but I've seen an older person (and there are probably many more) that thought me being the way I am is to get an advantage or skip working, etc. Basically they projected their exploiting loopholes dynamic onto me. These are the people we live with, we are in hell.

She's a good mom she's just Asian lol, she tries her best for me but sometimes I want to bang my head into a wall because she doesn't understand me and the reason why I do certain things. Things could be so much worse.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

She's a good mom she's just Asian lol, she tries her best for me but sometimes I want to bang my head into a wall because she doesn't understand me and the reason why I do certain things. Things could be so much worse.

Well it's good if she is trying , that's like half the battle in being a parent. Most 40+/50+ ppl are kind of mentally stuck , they don't understand a lot of things because the times where they developed as young adults didn't ask for it and mental illness/abuse/etc was more hush hush everywhere on the planet. I think we still got a couple of generations until mental health help will actually be servicable

 

[Wolf Girl]

Yeah, I have like four co-morbid diagnoses and if I could cure one it would be the autism, hands down. It has kept me alone, unemployed and hopeless. And, thanks to the conventionally attractive white girl autism influencers, no one takes ASD seriously anymore. It's an "identity" and "just a different neurotype" now.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot and I really understand feeling so tired of suffering in this cruel existence, I also just wish for a painless way to be free from all the suffering, I wish you the best.

 

[guestguest360]

Yeah, I have like four co-morbid diagnoses and if I could cure one it would be the autism, hands down. It has kept me alone, unemployed and hopeless. And, thanks to the conventionally attractive white girl autism influencers, no one takes ASD seriously anymore. It's an "identity" and "just a different neurotype" now.

You're not alone I'm unemployed and very hopeless as well. I agree with you on this point. People now see Autism as a "quirk" or something "trendy" to have and forget that it's disability.

This disorder is incredibly lonely. You need to hide every part of yourself to survive in the world which leaves you with no genuine connections or people to confide in. If your mask ends up slipping even for a second, most people will see you differently. And even then if you do mask successfully you're the last person they consider for work events or promotions. It's hard.

The type of loneliness Autism can create is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.