Venting I'm sorry to anyone that ever knew me

[livefastdieyoung]

I don't know if anyone else will relate to this, but if you do please tell me because I genuinely feel like I am the only one.

I am so guilty for being alive.

I know I am going to kill myself one day, I just feel it in my fucking bones. Yet, I still go out and make friends and talk to people and make them care about me. I am so selfish. Even my own parents and family, I feel guilty that they wanted to have a child who they had great aspirations for, and they will have to deal with me killing myself one day. They never really showed me love and hurt me so so much, but I am probably going to hurt them so much by dying. Especially from suicide.

And to my friends and everyone that has ever cared about me, my therapists, I'm so fucking sorry. I should refrain from talking to anyone or being kind and making people like me. I'm just so selfish, I'd rather have moments of happiness and comfort with them than not force them to one day grieve me. I really hope they don't.

I have always wished that when I die I could erase everyone's memory of ever knowing me, even my own parents. It's the least I could do.

My pain is my own pain to carry, and I can't get better or change. I'm going to let everyone down one day, and I feel so fucking guilty. I wish I could have been the daughter or friend they all wanted. I wish I wasn't so selfish that I let them get close to me, all because I'm fucking lonely too. Sometimes I think I should just turn into a monster and make everyone hate me, so when I die they can feel relief and joy. I don't deserve this life, sometimes I feel like the person I am in my mind is not the same as this body. I've possessed some poor girl with a future and corrupted her. I'm stealing a person from their life. I must be a parasite.

Has anyone ever felt this way, or am I just insane?

Thank you for reading this far.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I clicked on this because I could relate to the title. I'm what most people would call "old" with adult kids. So my situation is a lot different than yours and my wish is slightly different, because if I could totally erase myself, it would erase my kids too, and they're good people so I wouldn't want that. But I wish I could disappear from time and be replaced with a good normal husband and father instead. Then my wife would be happy, my kids would be better off, and no one tortured by my hideously toxic self. I hate my self for hating myself, and I hate that about myself, and this infinite vortex of self hatred makes my existence a problem to everyone.

 

[.koocain]

ur not insane, its a human thing to want to make friends and to have ppl care for u and its also another sane thing to feel how u feel and to live with the issues ur dealing with, ur not alone

 

[jjnsjso44458]

No you're not insane, I completely relate to this. I know I'm going to end my life one day and it might be soon, but knowing how my family would react just keeps getting to me. I always feel selfish and guilty, but sometimes these feelings are masked by the persistent torment I feel.