Venting Autism is really shitty

[ww21o.o]

No hate to anyone tho, just for myself

But with this is really horrible because im not even autistic enough to be considered one and i am not normal enough neither.

I always had problems to adapt and to fit in with other students. And my mother always cries for me even though I tell her I am okay.
I want to die soon so I can stop watching her every morning or every time I come visit her.
She is not old and my father is not neither. They can be okay without me. They have my brother who is of course better than me in every other aspect.
And I know is cruel too. But I really can't fit in with a single human, and is my problem, if others cry is unstoppable no matter what.

Autism was even the main reason I started self harm. The inability of understanding and fitting in like the others is really fucked up.
I really want to die soon. My mother doesn't have to cry everytime she sees me.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

It really is horrible...

 

[Marco77]

It must be terrible for a person who wants to integrate. I don't care about others and I've never felt the need to fit in. Even when my classmates played football at school I took the stereo into the courtyard and listened to it at full volume. They got angry, but I didn't care what they said or did.

 

[dash_]

It is.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I have autism too and it sucks because it makes me more sensitive to suffering and pain. I suffer way more because of my autism and it feels so unbearable. I hate being autistic but I guess it did show me that life is simply shitty and not worth living.

It must be terrible for a person who wants to integrate. I don't care about others and I've never felt the need to fit in. Even when my classmates played football at school I took the stereo into the courtyard and listened to it at full volume. They got angry, but I didn't care what they said or did.

Autism is also terrible for somebody who doesn't want to integrate yet is being forced to against their consent. An example of somebody like that is me. I have never wanted to integrate with society yet I'm being forced to which is just so unfair. The only way I can avoid this is by killing myself but I'm too scared to kill myself

 

[Marco77]

There is no need to commit suicide and it is not mandatory to integrate. The world is full of hermits who have lived isolated for up to 60 years. They are happy and have never thought of committing suicide.

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is so cruel to me how there's all this suffering, I hope you find peace.

 

[Unspoken7612]

I don't want to invalidate your experience, but I do think it's also important to say it's a bit more complicated than that.

Autism is perhaps better understood as a "risk factor" for having a life that makes you suicidal, rather than a blanket cause. I know lots of autistic people who live lives that they are happy with, where they feel fulfilled, satisfied, and happy to continue. That's not intended to be a comfort to those of us who are suffering, of course.

I think I could very easily have ended up enjoying life. Being autistic hurt my chances, but it didn't remove them entirely. Unfortunately I do think I'm basically incompatible with the world. For me, the big thing is my desire for stability (I think Kanner called it an "insistence upon sameness") which is incompatible with a world that is constantly changing, but my struggles to form meaningful lasting relationships are also a contributory factor. If certain events had gone slightly differently, I would be happy to be alive.

 

[coolgal82]

i have both autism and adhd and yeah. it sucks. im sorry.

 

[penguinl0v3s]

Neurotypicals will never understand how a childhood of exclusion and bullying affects your psyche. People really will hate you for no valid reason.

 

[Wolf Girl]

Autism is my reason for ctb.

 

[Davey36000]

Have you ever heard of Chris Chan?

 

[TAW122]

I too have some mild form of autism, namely Aspergers and while I am functional, lucid, and can make independent decisions and generally get around in life, it really is a different perspective and experience than the regular NT. Yes there are some things that NT have that I would not miss nor wish to have, but as with things, yeah life does suck to be cursed with such a disorder and I'm also a sentient example of such. Any reasons for CTB is valid imho and no one should gatekeep or determine that for anyone what is or isn't valid. That said, yes, having this 'curse' definitely plays a factor into my wanting to CTB.

 

[ww21o.o]

Neurotypicals will never understand how a childhood of exclusion and bullying affects your psyche. People really will hate you for no valid reason.

So real, and even more now that everyone gets a random diagnosis on internet and try to normalize something they dont fully understand, And yeah, being excluded for no reason makes you think something is REALLY wrong with only yourself, and when you finally know why, It only gets worse.

 

[aubrey is not here]

it really is. i have difficulty understanding social cues, and emotions. so i spend my days in my room, and going to work :)

 

[fm3a]

yup, especially combined with adhd... im so sick of my own sensitivity & difficulty reading tones/situations as a result of it. i'm really upset at my inability to modulate my own tone/understand how i come off to others as a result of it as well. i make my partner so incredibly angry and exhausted without ever meaning to. so many sleepless nights and spiraling bevause i say something in the wrong tone and am accused of being argumentative, or disrespectful for not making eye contact etc etc and just being so fucking confused lol. in so many conversations i have realized how badly it affects me and how clear it is that my intention in anything i say or do doesn't really matter if it's not "read" properly by others, it's such a pervasive and unconscious issue with me, i can't make anyone understand and it's clear there is little sympathy. i have tried so hard to change and cope and it's not really working, the desire and necessity to CTB is just reinforced in every "argument" that has happened as a result of my symptoms

 

[twolegs]

I hope things get easier for you

 

[ijustwishtodie]

There is no need to commit suicide and it is not mandatory to integrate. The world is full of hermits who have lived isolated for up to 60 years. They are happy and have never thought of committing suicide.

What do you mean when you say that it isn't mandatory to integrate? For 99% of humanity, it is due to how strict society is. For me, the only options that I have are to integrate or be homeless or to kill myself. There isn't any other option presented to me. I can't be a neet because I can't afford it and because my mum would probably just kick me out if I were to be a neet. If there are any options for me, please tell me because I genuinely don't know any. I'm too scared to be homeless or to kill myself so, please, give me some other alternatives. I don't want to integrate to society and I'm scared to