KuriGohan&Kamehameha
想死不能 - 想活不能
- Nov 23, 2020
- 1,613
It always feels like a slap in the face when you've worked hard in an attempt to overcome your problems, only to realise that they are permanent, life-long burdens, festering with time.
You can fight for years and years, but when that determination wavers due to an amalgamation of failures, it feels like others only see weakness rather than the steady stream of effort. Perhaps also, a person like me is just doomed to be labeled as defective no matter what I do.
I've talked about these things extensively here and feel like a broken record at this point, but I have nowhere else to turn to. I'm really at my limit, and also fed up with seeing basic advice everywhere I look.
My birthday is coming up, which at this point means that I have now been suicidal for over half of my entire life. You won't hear about people like me in that statistics regarding temporary problems, that's for sure. It's a bit hard to believe, to know that it's been over 12 years since I didn't have frequent urges to die. Especially over the past 4-5 years, the thought of death has crossed my mind almost every single day. What a life.
Though I'm wondering if it was always doomed before it's began. I have struggled since very early on in my childhood. I was not officially diagnosed with autism until I was a teenager, but as early as toddler age I was stimming and hand flapping, had obsessive and rigid interests and could only talk about my interest at the time, couldn't make eye contact, and had a very weird way of speaking.
It was obvious looking back, but I grew up in an extremely small town/village, and when a doctor in a city wanted to start the process of diagnosis one of my grandparents threw a hissy fit and refused for it to happen, because she hated disabled people and wouldn't believe I was one of them. When I did get diagnosed, her husband, my paternal grandfather said I couldn't be autistic because autistic people are violent, crazy, and need to be institutionalized.
I was bullied my entire adolescence, and never knew why people despised for so many years. It was like there was some weird aura about me people could sense, a mark that I was defective. I had no friends until I was 12, and as I got older people also frequently asked me out "as a joke" and would do cruel things to me as a prank to induce a meltdown. I was hit or dragged into a fight many times. Teachers would punish me for not making eye contact or call me lazy, and I was frequently told I shouldn't attempt further education and deserved to be in a trades course when I vehemently didn't want to do that. They thought I was stupid.
My own family would point and laugh at me for stimming and other autistic behaviours. I had to learn to hide my interests because my relatives constantly pointed out how weird I was, and how disappointed they were that I was not athletic and doing the things they wanted me to do. I was dyspraxic and couldn't tie my own shoes till 16, how could I ever be an athlete? Whenever I had a meltdown or got upset, up until about age 10 I'd be beaten with a belt over it until I had welts. If I was afraid, crying, and wouldn't do something, I'd get beaten until I complied. In the culture which I grew up in, it is seen as virtuous to beat or whip your children as punishment.
Whenever I got into cosplay and dressing up, my family would take pictures of me to post online and laugh at me, and I caught them red handed doing it. When I was molested by a doctor when I was around 5 or 6 years old I discovered crude ways of masturbation afterwards, not realising what I was doing initially. My aunt would watch me doing these embarrassing things and laugh, also not realising what it was, then told everyone I was doing weird exercises and how funny it was. My aunt and my paternal grandparents fucked up my life from a very early age.
Despite my sensory issues, the same grandparent who didn't want me to be diagnosed would buy clothing that either didn't fit or was a nightmare to wear, that would make my skin itch and crawl, then have a yelling fit because I "didn't want to be pretty." My family made it loud and clear that I was abnormal and defective. When I was in primary school and my father died, his mother remarked that he never wanted children and that I wasn't supposed to have been born. They all hated my mother and took out their hatred of her on me.
As soon as I started puberty, I wouldn't even be allowed to wear shorts in my own house because I was told that I was, "looking like a whore." I would be told by my family members that I needed to wear makeup to make myself look prettier when I was about 11 or 12, and I hated it. Then whenever I tried to learn how to apply makeup once again I would be told that I was looking like a slut and a whore. I was forced to get cosmetic braces because I was told so many times that my teeth and face didn't look right, and the braces ended up not working after years and causing me issues.
I went through so much pain because my own family thought I was ugly and needed a cosmetic procedure to fix it, despite them occasionally flipping the switch and saying I was pretty/beautiful, they'd go right back to criticizing my appearance. My whole life, I have been mocked for how I look and have tried everything to fix it, only to realise I have what people call an "autism face". I have spent half my life trying skincare products, cosmetic enhancers like lash lifts, makeup styles, new clothes, etc only to be left with the reality that I am ugly and visibly weird looking due to bone structure and wide set eyes, stubby lashes, etc.
Childhood was not a carefree and happy time for me, throughout most of it. Because my mother abandoned me when I was a baby and my father was an alcoholic who died young, I was hot potatoed between grandparents and my aunt. My aunt was chronically ill, fed up with life, and an abusive person who would frequently act out and scream at you, get violent, give the silent treatment, and threaten to throw you out. Even as a baby, I would witness so much shouting and arguing in my home, that I would frequently cry from being afraid.
There were several years of my newly teenage life, after I was molested, where my family locked me inside, took me out of school, didn't allow me to socialise or go outside except to appointments once a month, and lied about me doing "home school" because they thought it was my fault I was getting molested by an older guy at my school. During this time I dealt with so much abuse and neglect from my relatives and had no way to escape it. This broke me beyond belief and made me selectively mute which took years to overcome.
Throughout my life, I've witnessed so much abuse, neglect, violence, and hatefulness. Even from age 11/12 I was groomed by older people online into sexual things I didn't understand, I was molested multiple times throughout my life and sexually abused, sometimes in subtle ways, and other times in violent ways. I was groomed by a 25 year old when I was in high school who abused me for several years and ruined my life. Before that, when I was around 15/16 I was in love with a 24 year old woman I met online who had flirted with me, groomed me, then made me feel completely inadequate because being gay was heavily stigmatized in her culture too- I was like a throwaway plaything to her.
My upbringing is a far cry from what most people experience, I think, and I've never been able to relate to others except a select few people. In spite of this, I've always worked hard on my social skills, desperate to improve them and to fit in. Over time I stopped being an anxious person, and gained the confidence to talk to people more and develop socially which had been robbed from me as a child. I forced myself into many uncomfortable situations in order to learn how to socialize, improving enough to where I had the courage to approach strangers.
However, I realized that other people are always going to pick up that something is off about me and judge me, or lose interest. Not only because my disability is so visible (and I also have physical health problems to contend with that make me sluggish, slow, and more akin to a zombie half the time) but because I am just not relatable to the average person who is neurotypical with a normal family life and decent health.
I spent years at university trying to build friendships, only to realize none of those friends even cared about me and only wanted me around for entertainment and convenience, even after I invested years of time into our interactions. It deeply hurt me because I cared about many of my friends and wanted them to care about me too, only to realize that I am on my own in this world and likely to become homeless again in the future because no one actually cares about me.
Whenever my friends learned about things like my lack of family, and my health problems, they would often say something like, "damn it sucks to be you!" then ignore it. Whenever I had major surgery I was completely alone for an entire month, save for my boyfriend yelling at me and complaining that he had to take care of me because I was completely crippled and couldn't do anything for myself for a long time.
That isn't even the worst part about all this though. About 3 and a half years ago I found a disability friendly part time job, and for the first time ever I was not getting yelled at or bullied in the workplace. I really like my job and try my best to be a helpful and friendly person even though I know none of my coworkers would ever be friends with me. I like to think that despite making mistakes that I am good at my job sometimes. One of my managers has always been nice to me because they are a bit eccentric themselves.
There are very few jobs that I physically can do, and I'm well aware of that. Whenever my job opened up some full time roles I was excited, because I want to reduce my dependence on my partner and see if I am able to work more hours if I had flexibility. Also, my employment contract will expire soon which means I can no longer work there part time anyway as it is a temporary role. My workplace is supposed to participate in a scheme where if a disabled person meets the bare minimum requirements for a job posting, then they will automatically be offered an interview.
Yet, I was rejected immediately from one of the roles, with no interview. I did not understand why, especially because I have been working with that particular team for almost 2 years, surely they would want to keep someone with experience? One of my co-workers even told me I should apply, but I think maybe she was just being polite. I did not think much about this and assumed maybe that many people applied for the role. That was until I got an interview for the other position.
I was really hopeful, until I realized another part time coworker who has been working there for about 8 months also has an interview. I happened to be working with them and they told me. However, then I also learned that one of the people conducting the interview is someone that they have been bffs with for years, text everyday, and go to each other's houses frequently.
I also learned that my manager who rejected me for the other position, and never responded to multiple attempts from me to ask for further training and skills development, personally approached my coworker (despite them never working in that team) and asked if they wanted to be trained to do their tasks. Coincidentally, I also asked for more training via mail around that time and was ghosted. Additionally, I learned that the hiring manager for the role we are interviewing for has been giving this person exclusive shifts in their particular team, basically priming them to take this job it feels like. I was never offered the opportunity to do this.
Don't get me wrong, they are a very kind and lovely person, and I think very deserving of these opportunities, but the entire situation feels unfair. I found out there are secret group chats at my work and social events that I have never once been invited to. It is very obvious that my coworker will get the job despite working there way less time than me. I have worked in multiple teams throughout my employment and know a whole lot about the organisation as a whole, so on paper I am qualified, but in reality I don't match the vibes or whatever. Life as an autistic person is an experience in permanent exclusion.
It would be different if there were many jobs I could do, but there simply aren't, while able bodied neurotypical people have the pick of the litter. I have very few options, especially because I am slow and dumb as opposed to a savant. I cannot "play the game" and no matter what my failures are seen as my own doing. Every day I have so many traumatic and upsetting memories running through my mind, and am dealing with chronic fatigue, brainfog, and often pain too, but I still have to plaster on a smile and try to be a functional working robot. But then because I am not loud, spontaneous and zany, people don't like me. It's one thing that this happens in my personal life, but it's barring me from employment too.
I am so sick of life, and the grandstanding lip service about how the world cares about disabilities. Multiple people have said cruel and harsh things to me, about how I am unlikeable, or not providing value to others, and it's my obligation to fix this and try to mask the fact that I'm autistic to make myself more presentable. How on earth am I supposed to do that? I already conceal so much information about my life. I have no energy and my cognitive abilities are shot. What could I possibly do to remedy that when my body is permanently on 5% battery?My life is insanely different to the average person's, with a distinct lack of common ground, and I can't fix that.
On one hand, I am being told to keep pushing and that if I just tried harder or had more confidence, life would be better, but my life just sucks because "I don't try." This completely baffles me, because my low self esteem is a direct consequence of how others treat me, if I am being included and valued, my self esteem is far better. My issues with socialising are not due to a lack of confidence, but not having access to the intrinsic manual that neurotypical people have in their brains that autistic people don't. It isn't that I'm afraid to say or do something, it's that I don't have anything to say in the first place. People don't comprehend this.
I don't understand why a person like me is not allowed to die painlessly. If I am going to be excluded my entire life, and forced to struggle, I do not see why I am forced to be alive. CTB is so hard, and I hate thinking about all the risks of failing another attempt. Recently when I accessed therapy again (useless like all the other times) I was in a very, I don't give a fuck mood, and said honestly that I have been suicidal for years and have just grown accustomed to it.
The therapist deadass replied, "Unfortunately, you've had a lot of time to learn how to cope with it. So dealing with it for a long time means you can handle it." Or something like that. I know it was meant to be comforting, but this made me feel worse. I shouldn't have to spend my entire life wanting to die, or making futile attempts to "cope" which no longer work as I've become an adult with more responsibilities and less support.
I've also been told by other people that I should change my expectations of life and I am unhappy because I have high expectations, but I need to learn to make do with small pleasures. This really pisses me off, because I feel like I have been robbed of just about everything in my life. I have almost no living family, I had to watch the few that did love me die, I have no close friends, I have no talents, I'm autistic, I'm ugly, men never wanted to get close with me without the ulterior motive of using me for sex, I have chronic misunderstood health problems, I have rare conditions that effect only a handful of people in the world, soon I will have no money too.
The only pleasure I have is the pleasure in knowing that someday I will finally die and this nightmare will be over. I have been doomed from the very beginning, and yet no one would ever voice this.
You can fight for years and years, but when that determination wavers due to an amalgamation of failures, it feels like others only see weakness rather than the steady stream of effort. Perhaps also, a person like me is just doomed to be labeled as defective no matter what I do.
I've talked about these things extensively here and feel like a broken record at this point, but I have nowhere else to turn to. I'm really at my limit, and also fed up with seeing basic advice everywhere I look.
My birthday is coming up, which at this point means that I have now been suicidal for over half of my entire life. You won't hear about people like me in that statistics regarding temporary problems, that's for sure. It's a bit hard to believe, to know that it's been over 12 years since I didn't have frequent urges to die. Especially over the past 4-5 years, the thought of death has crossed my mind almost every single day. What a life.
Though I'm wondering if it was always doomed before it's began. I have struggled since very early on in my childhood. I was not officially diagnosed with autism until I was a teenager, but as early as toddler age I was stimming and hand flapping, had obsessive and rigid interests and could only talk about my interest at the time, couldn't make eye contact, and had a very weird way of speaking.
It was obvious looking back, but I grew up in an extremely small town/village, and when a doctor in a city wanted to start the process of diagnosis one of my grandparents threw a hissy fit and refused for it to happen, because she hated disabled people and wouldn't believe I was one of them. When I did get diagnosed, her husband, my paternal grandfather said I couldn't be autistic because autistic people are violent, crazy, and need to be institutionalized.
I was bullied my entire adolescence, and never knew why people despised for so many years. It was like there was some weird aura about me people could sense, a mark that I was defective. I had no friends until I was 12, and as I got older people also frequently asked me out "as a joke" and would do cruel things to me as a prank to induce a meltdown. I was hit or dragged into a fight many times. Teachers would punish me for not making eye contact or call me lazy, and I was frequently told I shouldn't attempt further education and deserved to be in a trades course when I vehemently didn't want to do that. They thought I was stupid.
My own family would point and laugh at me for stimming and other autistic behaviours. I had to learn to hide my interests because my relatives constantly pointed out how weird I was, and how disappointed they were that I was not athletic and doing the things they wanted me to do. I was dyspraxic and couldn't tie my own shoes till 16, how could I ever be an athlete? Whenever I had a meltdown or got upset, up until about age 10 I'd be beaten with a belt over it until I had welts. If I was afraid, crying, and wouldn't do something, I'd get beaten until I complied. In the culture which I grew up in, it is seen as virtuous to beat or whip your children as punishment.
Whenever I got into cosplay and dressing up, my family would take pictures of me to post online and laugh at me, and I caught them red handed doing it. When I was molested by a doctor when I was around 5 or 6 years old I discovered crude ways of masturbation afterwards, not realising what I was doing initially. My aunt would watch me doing these embarrassing things and laugh, also not realising what it was, then told everyone I was doing weird exercises and how funny it was. My aunt and my paternal grandparents fucked up my life from a very early age.
Despite my sensory issues, the same grandparent who didn't want me to be diagnosed would buy clothing that either didn't fit or was a nightmare to wear, that would make my skin itch and crawl, then have a yelling fit because I "didn't want to be pretty." My family made it loud and clear that I was abnormal and defective. When I was in primary school and my father died, his mother remarked that he never wanted children and that I wasn't supposed to have been born. They all hated my mother and took out their hatred of her on me.
As soon as I started puberty, I wouldn't even be allowed to wear shorts in my own house because I was told that I was, "looking like a whore." I would be told by my family members that I needed to wear makeup to make myself look prettier when I was about 11 or 12, and I hated it. Then whenever I tried to learn how to apply makeup once again I would be told that I was looking like a slut and a whore. I was forced to get cosmetic braces because I was told so many times that my teeth and face didn't look right, and the braces ended up not working after years and causing me issues.
I went through so much pain because my own family thought I was ugly and needed a cosmetic procedure to fix it, despite them occasionally flipping the switch and saying I was pretty/beautiful, they'd go right back to criticizing my appearance. My whole life, I have been mocked for how I look and have tried everything to fix it, only to realise I have what people call an "autism face". I have spent half my life trying skincare products, cosmetic enhancers like lash lifts, makeup styles, new clothes, etc only to be left with the reality that I am ugly and visibly weird looking due to bone structure and wide set eyes, stubby lashes, etc.
Childhood was not a carefree and happy time for me, throughout most of it. Because my mother abandoned me when I was a baby and my father was an alcoholic who died young, I was hot potatoed between grandparents and my aunt. My aunt was chronically ill, fed up with life, and an abusive person who would frequently act out and scream at you, get violent, give the silent treatment, and threaten to throw you out. Even as a baby, I would witness so much shouting and arguing in my home, that I would frequently cry from being afraid.
There were several years of my newly teenage life, after I was molested, where my family locked me inside, took me out of school, didn't allow me to socialise or go outside except to appointments once a month, and lied about me doing "home school" because they thought it was my fault I was getting molested by an older guy at my school. During this time I dealt with so much abuse and neglect from my relatives and had no way to escape it. This broke me beyond belief and made me selectively mute which took years to overcome.
Throughout my life, I've witnessed so much abuse, neglect, violence, and hatefulness. Even from age 11/12 I was groomed by older people online into sexual things I didn't understand, I was molested multiple times throughout my life and sexually abused, sometimes in subtle ways, and other times in violent ways. I was groomed by a 25 year old when I was in high school who abused me for several years and ruined my life. Before that, when I was around 15/16 I was in love with a 24 year old woman I met online who had flirted with me, groomed me, then made me feel completely inadequate because being gay was heavily stigmatized in her culture too- I was like a throwaway plaything to her.
My upbringing is a far cry from what most people experience, I think, and I've never been able to relate to others except a select few people. In spite of this, I've always worked hard on my social skills, desperate to improve them and to fit in. Over time I stopped being an anxious person, and gained the confidence to talk to people more and develop socially which had been robbed from me as a child. I forced myself into many uncomfortable situations in order to learn how to socialize, improving enough to where I had the courage to approach strangers.
However, I realized that other people are always going to pick up that something is off about me and judge me, or lose interest. Not only because my disability is so visible (and I also have physical health problems to contend with that make me sluggish, slow, and more akin to a zombie half the time) but because I am just not relatable to the average person who is neurotypical with a normal family life and decent health.
I spent years at university trying to build friendships, only to realize none of those friends even cared about me and only wanted me around for entertainment and convenience, even after I invested years of time into our interactions. It deeply hurt me because I cared about many of my friends and wanted them to care about me too, only to realize that I am on my own in this world and likely to become homeless again in the future because no one actually cares about me.
Whenever my friends learned about things like my lack of family, and my health problems, they would often say something like, "damn it sucks to be you!" then ignore it. Whenever I had major surgery I was completely alone for an entire month, save for my boyfriend yelling at me and complaining that he had to take care of me because I was completely crippled and couldn't do anything for myself for a long time.
That isn't even the worst part about all this though. About 3 and a half years ago I found a disability friendly part time job, and for the first time ever I was not getting yelled at or bullied in the workplace. I really like my job and try my best to be a helpful and friendly person even though I know none of my coworkers would ever be friends with me. I like to think that despite making mistakes that I am good at my job sometimes. One of my managers has always been nice to me because they are a bit eccentric themselves.
There are very few jobs that I physically can do, and I'm well aware of that. Whenever my job opened up some full time roles I was excited, because I want to reduce my dependence on my partner and see if I am able to work more hours if I had flexibility. Also, my employment contract will expire soon which means I can no longer work there part time anyway as it is a temporary role. My workplace is supposed to participate in a scheme where if a disabled person meets the bare minimum requirements for a job posting, then they will automatically be offered an interview.
Yet, I was rejected immediately from one of the roles, with no interview. I did not understand why, especially because I have been working with that particular team for almost 2 years, surely they would want to keep someone with experience? One of my co-workers even told me I should apply, but I think maybe she was just being polite. I did not think much about this and assumed maybe that many people applied for the role. That was until I got an interview for the other position.
I was really hopeful, until I realized another part time coworker who has been working there for about 8 months also has an interview. I happened to be working with them and they told me. However, then I also learned that one of the people conducting the interview is someone that they have been bffs with for years, text everyday, and go to each other's houses frequently.
I also learned that my manager who rejected me for the other position, and never responded to multiple attempts from me to ask for further training and skills development, personally approached my coworker (despite them never working in that team) and asked if they wanted to be trained to do their tasks. Coincidentally, I also asked for more training via mail around that time and was ghosted. Additionally, I learned that the hiring manager for the role we are interviewing for has been giving this person exclusive shifts in their particular team, basically priming them to take this job it feels like. I was never offered the opportunity to do this.
Don't get me wrong, they are a very kind and lovely person, and I think very deserving of these opportunities, but the entire situation feels unfair. I found out there are secret group chats at my work and social events that I have never once been invited to. It is very obvious that my coworker will get the job despite working there way less time than me. I have worked in multiple teams throughout my employment and know a whole lot about the organisation as a whole, so on paper I am qualified, but in reality I don't match the vibes or whatever. Life as an autistic person is an experience in permanent exclusion.
It would be different if there were many jobs I could do, but there simply aren't, while able bodied neurotypical people have the pick of the litter. I have very few options, especially because I am slow and dumb as opposed to a savant. I cannot "play the game" and no matter what my failures are seen as my own doing. Every day I have so many traumatic and upsetting memories running through my mind, and am dealing with chronic fatigue, brainfog, and often pain too, but I still have to plaster on a smile and try to be a functional working robot. But then because I am not loud, spontaneous and zany, people don't like me. It's one thing that this happens in my personal life, but it's barring me from employment too.
I am so sick of life, and the grandstanding lip service about how the world cares about disabilities. Multiple people have said cruel and harsh things to me, about how I am unlikeable, or not providing value to others, and it's my obligation to fix this and try to mask the fact that I'm autistic to make myself more presentable. How on earth am I supposed to do that? I already conceal so much information about my life. I have no energy and my cognitive abilities are shot. What could I possibly do to remedy that when my body is permanently on 5% battery?My life is insanely different to the average person's, with a distinct lack of common ground, and I can't fix that.
On one hand, I am being told to keep pushing and that if I just tried harder or had more confidence, life would be better, but my life just sucks because "I don't try." This completely baffles me, because my low self esteem is a direct consequence of how others treat me, if I am being included and valued, my self esteem is far better. My issues with socialising are not due to a lack of confidence, but not having access to the intrinsic manual that neurotypical people have in their brains that autistic people don't. It isn't that I'm afraid to say or do something, it's that I don't have anything to say in the first place. People don't comprehend this.
I don't understand why a person like me is not allowed to die painlessly. If I am going to be excluded my entire life, and forced to struggle, I do not see why I am forced to be alive. CTB is so hard, and I hate thinking about all the risks of failing another attempt. Recently when I accessed therapy again (useless like all the other times) I was in a very, I don't give a fuck mood, and said honestly that I have been suicidal for years and have just grown accustomed to it.
The therapist deadass replied, "Unfortunately, you've had a lot of time to learn how to cope with it. So dealing with it for a long time means you can handle it." Or something like that. I know it was meant to be comforting, but this made me feel worse. I shouldn't have to spend my entire life wanting to die, or making futile attempts to "cope" which no longer work as I've become an adult with more responsibilities and less support.
I've also been told by other people that I should change my expectations of life and I am unhappy because I have high expectations, but I need to learn to make do with small pleasures. This really pisses me off, because I feel like I have been robbed of just about everything in my life. I have almost no living family, I had to watch the few that did love me die, I have no close friends, I have no talents, I'm autistic, I'm ugly, men never wanted to get close with me without the ulterior motive of using me for sex, I have chronic misunderstood health problems, I have rare conditions that effect only a handful of people in the world, soon I will have no money too.
The only pleasure I have is the pleasure in knowing that someday I will finally die and this nightmare will be over. I have been doomed from the very beginning, and yet no one would ever voice this.
