Venting attitude towards suicide making me feel ashamed

[pancakelover20]

its kinda weird, in my mind im so unemotional at this point about my own death, until i actually say it out loud and see someones face react. im so matter-a-fact about the fact im going to die soon that sometimes i get freaked out over my own callousness to it. i research my method and add to my plan and write my notes as if its just a homework assignment. 3 weeks ago after getting intoxicated with 2 of my friends i said "im going to kill myself" abruptly and started to cry after i genuinely heard the words come out of my mouth. its weird when your truth, the thing you think about nearly constantly that you hold so close to you just comes out and manifests itself for others to see. they obviously tried to talk me down from what i was speaking about, but of course im not a case of feeling so bad suddenly and talking about suicide as an impulsion like they think. im very certain over my decision, im setting my plan up very carefully and being as prepared as i can be. i feel sort of inhuman because of it. obviously i know planning and executing ones death is not "natural" for a human being, but it makes me feel so void. like i can sit here watching someone who cares for me cry over the fact im saying this and yet still be so certain and firm in my decision and go on this week planning and researching and writing away. i feel like a part of my warmth and humanity is cut from me. my callousness to death and self violence may be boarder-line disgusting. if i were completely honest about this and told anyone in my personal life this information, id be looked down upon. its unsettling. i feel bad about it, but in the end it only adds to my motivation to go through with all of this in the end i guess.

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

I think no other animal plans to kill itself in the ways humans do it, so I have to say it's a really human thing to do.
Society has this big taboo about death and try to forget about it, also, people try helping suicidal people as if saving them from suicide will give them eternal life, it won't.
Even if you "save" a suicidal person, they die, just maybe a lil later.
Then, I think, due to this issue, some people "look down" on suicidal or depressed people, and make them suffer in life.
I wish people were kinder. And I wish you the best Pancake <3

 

[Droso]

This is very, very relatable. For me it manifests from dissociation and alienation which then cycles back onto itself.

 

[mlb]

3 weeks ago after getting intoxicated with 2 of my friends i said "im going to kill myself" abruptly and started to cry after i genuinely heard the words come out of my mouth.

sooo relatable. the first time i said it i was SOBBING. i was so sad it's crazy. i thought "no way it's actually coming to that". it's funny how with time i switched that view completely. the last time was "i don't want to wake up, there you go, yay".

it's not as inhuman as you think. i think having the courage to ctb is some of the strongest power of a human because that breaks all the boundaries. you're taking your life in your hands and you don't want to endure this regime that so many others do.

my callousness to death and self violence may be boarder-line disgusting. if i were completely honest about this and told anyone in my personal life this information, id be looked down upon. its unsettling.

is it disgusting to you? or is it disgusting to the people that you would tell it to? i also wouldn't share it with anyone but i would share it with sasu because we all mutually understand each other. would you be okay with reframing your thoughts? for example - i absolutely love thinking about ctb and i've had a failed attempt and it was one of the best timelines in my life, only after realizing that i'm trans. i love a lot of things that the usual society would consider manic or crazy, but nothing illegal. i love having the mental power to even manifest these thoughts and put my ideas into the world.