Help Attempts

[E_cigarette]

Okay so... I'm 19 and I've had mental health issues my whole entire life with the added fun of being an undiagnosed autistic- currently I have a lot on my plate, I have been cheated on before but my current boyfriend cheated on me throughout the entirety of our relationship and is a sex addict, I just moved out from my boyfriends and my place, my dad who I was forced to move in with is also a sex addict, he has never shown up for me and he's traumatised me for my whole life, recently cut out my mum who's a narcissist and has abused me my whole life emotionally and physically, my cousin who assaulted and raped me when I was 11 to which my family did nothing but villainize me. And I quit my job recently because I've been so unwell. So I've really got nothing, and can't see myself being anything in this world.

I cant stop my survival instincts from kicking in.. I need advice.
I've tried to overdose on my antipsychotic sleep medication so many times, but that seems much too slow. I'm dying just incredibly slowly. I've had my stomach pumped from this method twice. Soon my liver should fail, but not soon enough. I've tried to hang myself.. to no avail- I'll get to the point where everything starts to fade and then I'll scare myself into trying to grab back onto something, I've gotten so close. I've always thought of the effect my death would have on the people in my life, I've been told I'm selfish for even considering it or for the amounts I have attempted, but that's the only reason I'm still alive.
I've tried to slit my ankles and my wrists when I was younger- I got incredibly close but was rushed into emergency, I'm not happy to still be here.. I wish it worked that day.
I've tried to drown myself in a shallow bath but again my survival instinct kicked in.
It feels like slitting my wrists is the only answer because then theres no going back, I can make the choice to slit them and then I cant take it back... or seeing as I cant swim I've wondered if i should just swim out into a rip with a board and let it take me, maybe even just swim into the middle of the ocean and disappear. I've always considered jumping in front of a train, I mean I've seen people jump.. and that option would be a definite success but it feels far too selfish, I don't want to traumatise anyone else and would fear for the train driver. I can't go to train stations without feeling unsafe- of course there's jumping off the balcony, I could get really drunk beforehand and I'm certain that it's a big enough drop to end my suffering. Please help me.

Is there an easier way?

 

[Aries]

So sorry babygirl

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry what you have to endure is awful and failed attemptrs cause even more pain. In my opinion you chose methods that either have a very low success rate or are very cruel. You can have a look in the Suicide Resource Compilation linked in the sticky threads. I hope you can find peace,

 

[soontobedone]

I'm sorry you are going through this. This method has a very low success rate.

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm sorry your life has brought you to this point, you could get really drunk and hang your self, that should do it, or if your really desperate heights could work, I hope your able to find peace

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you've been through, to me it's inhumane how it's so difficult to voluntarily leave this world. I hope that you eventually find the freedom you search for.