At what age did you have your first real suicidal thoughts?

[FuneralCry]

When I was around 11. I have never wanted to be alive and I have always found death to be comforting, but that was when I first started thinking about suicide. Since then I have always known that suicide will be the way that I will die. I cannot imagine dying from anything else. It has been a long time now as in less than 2 months I will be 21. I am so tired of being alive. I think in my case life is simply not for me. I want nothing to do with life and I just want to sleep forever. Of course as the years have gone on, I have felt more and more suicidal. I know now that this will never change and there is nothing that could possibly make me want to live. Ctb is inevitable.

 

[LastLoveLetter]

I feel so much pain with your story. I confess that I cried and feel bad for wanting ctb with people with traumas worse than mine...

I am sorry for making you cry, sending you a hug. Please don't feel bad for wanting to ctb. You have also endured a lot of pain in your life, and your suffering matters just as much as mine and everyone else's here.

 

[Fish_astronaut]

20. I remember exactly where I was when I first knew that it would be the way I would die one day. I'm in my 30s now, but I still know it is how I will end.

 

[sanu189]

when I was 19 right after my
Uncle committed suicide by hanging. It's been with me ever since the physical pain started

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

23, the onset of chronic illness. I've had suicidal thoughts at University and before, but chronic pain added fuel to the fire and began my downward spiral. (Lupus) arthritis—even the sinseh thought I was too young for this—destroyed my life. Everything is pain, pain, pain—walking, lifting your arms, using the toilet, bending down to pick up objects—performing even the simplest tasks required considerable effort. I dreaded every waking day and became disinterested in life. This went on until one fine day, I decided I had enough. I began to take a proactive approach to ending my life.

Come four years later, I'm still the same as ever. The thoughts never leave—once you've heard the Call of the Void, there is no turning back. I'm so far down the rabbit-hole that, even if my illness were to be miraculously cured, I'd still want to die.

 

[Simba]

At 12th grade ,2015-16 ,everything felt like is caving in on me in 4 walls.. ex bf would make me feel small and like more out of place.. cursing ,stupid rules n so on.. i couldnt anymore i numerous times would put plastic bags over my head.. or i put a hoodie or something or pajama top or pants on my throat and just tightening my throat as if trying to choke.. tried that with a bike helmet too .. trird first time cut myself with a plastic knife and mammy noticed called me a stupid girl .. i even broke my phone at the time out of all my feelings of frustration and everything.. my phone in that time the screen was gone completely.. while breaking it ex bf was on the line praising how good this is and that now we wont have any way to talk at X time etc.. daddy would get angry too cause he didnt like ex bf at all so was constant.. school got bad too.. the only thing i remember is the whole year out of control.. idk.. bye

 

[corpse_prince]

The ideation started around 11, at 15 I started making serious plans and was convinced that this is how I'm going to go out.

 

[frenchniceguy]

28 this only this year since 1 month because i am sever hyperacusis tinitus and sever bruxism.
Because sound trauma

 

[odradek]

I've experienced suicidal ideation in some form or another for as long as I can remember. When I was very young it manifested in the desire to sink into the earth, to disappear, to cease to exist. Eventually it evolved into imagining shooting myself in the head, hanging myself or jumping from some high point as I aged. But it was a long time before I understood that suicide ideation was a thing and that I was doing it often.

Around the beginning of 2020 this ideation began to coalesce into actually formulating a real plan to kill myself which has lead me to where I am now. So I've kind of alway wanted to die in a sense but I didn't start actively planning it until just under two years ago.

 

[ReallyTired]

During my first depression, I think I was 16 or 17. I remember it felt like wading through treacle with no end in sight, just endless ocean of thick treacle, with no visible landmarks and no place to stop and rest. But it was just passive suicidal ideation. Somehow, I convinced myself that If I leave my family, everything will be fine again. But I was quite naive at that age. No matter where I go, my sick brain will be there with me. The last 10 years have been awful: severe depression, brain fog, cognitive problems, anhedonia, fatigue, emotional pain. Feeling utterly helpless, leaden, dull, unable to move. Feeling like I'm drowning except everyone around me is breathing. I think I've had enough. The peaceful exit is all I want.

 

[stellabelle]

For me personally, it was probably around 10 or 11, I think.

Very early childhood. Kindergarten maybe. The abuse at home escalated every day and I wished I was dead so I wouldn't have to endure it. All these years later.

 

[MeltedJello]

18 years old. I didn't see myself getting anywhere in life after graduating high school. No goals & no dreams, and no motivation to turn my life around. I saw life more realistically, where only the strong can survive.

 

[Keto]

at 27 years old. Till now

 

[Brayu]

To die: 13 years

of ctb: 16 +/-

of CTB trying: 19

23now

 

[Brokensaddle]

For me personally, it was probably around 10 or 11, I think.

At 15 years old, first attempt at 22 when I tried and failed to hang myself. Hopefully I leave this world soon

 

[narval]

Around 8-9 i thought for the first time about ctb. Random memory coming: Even i remember stay at a balcony thinking about jump.

Since then, ideation of ctb came and went from time to time, until ~21. Since then i've gone from bad to worse. Now i'm 30 and i know i'll ctb at some point even if a miracle happens

 

[Secrets1]

12

 

[WFJ74]

I would say 16-17. I made my first attempt at 19.

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

16 or 17 i think

 

[Salvation_]

Passively, 9. Didn't get serious until right before I joined this site. I spent a lot of high school years wishing I was dead, and now, just waiting for the day I die.

 

[bed]

My first serious suicidal thought with consideration of a plan was around 17.

 

[Corpse_in_a_dress]

At age 8 I told my mother I wanted to kill myself for the first time

 

[jc58]

Mine started at 9 years old. I've lived with it every day since.

 

[Hurt]

21 but these last years they became daily and more frequent. I'm in my late 20s. I had a good childhood but my adulthood sucks. Too many things changed.

 

[greyismyfavecolor]

when I was 13

 

[vapauttaa]

In elementary school, sometime around 5th grade.

 

[Laddydragon]

10-12 not sure just thought about taking a knife and using it on my throat however I realized as I was older how much that wouldn't work

 

[Deadly_Intention]

I had my first "I wish I was dead" thought when I was 9. I remember it was on my birthday even. My first attempt was at 11... never really got the hang of it I have my method now planned and calculated to the T. Hoping it works...

 

[αmber]

For me personally, it was probably around 10 or 11, I think.

Same age. It's exhausting not wanting to be alive for more than a decade.

 

[stevieu]

Since I was 16/17 and first attempted at 18.