Discussion At what age did you find out about death and suicide?

[Forever Sleep]

I've just been reading a thread where there were a number of members who recall having suicidal thoughts from childhood.

I'm also thinking about the thread on animal suicide yesterday where a lot of people expressed the idea that animals likely don't contemplate their own deaths.

Some people expressed concern as to why a child would even be able to consider suicide- there was a reference to reincarnation- knowledge from a past life type thing.

Still- it got me thinking: I've been suicidal since I was 10. I know I was desperately unhappy at that point. I had come to the conclusion that life wasn't worth living. Still- the thought itself just kind of popped in one day. Like- when you suddenly stumble on a solution to a problem. Honestly- it initially frightened me. That fear (of the thing itself) went away pretty quickly though.

Still- it must have come from somewhere. I was aware of death from a really early age: 3-4 because close family members died. I remember hearing about accidental deaths too- like Elvis Presley. So- I suppose I knew you could do it yourself at that point. There were then a couple of TV programmes I vividly remember that had suicide in them. One was an episode of Bergerac where someone had become paralysed and begged to have help in taking their life. It was really sad. The other was an episode of I Claudius where Antonia chose to take her own life. Interestingly, neither programmes portrayed suicide as a bad thing. In Bergerac, it would have been a mercy killing (I don't think they went ahead with it though) and in I Claudius- it was an act of autonomy.

I'm just curious really- how old were you when you found out about death? Do you remember how you were introduced to the idea of suicide and how it was seen?

 

[Anonymus]

I am 44 years old and I still do not understand death... I guess I will only understand it shortly before the moment of death. During my life many people have died around me (only since September 2019 I have 13 relatives between close and distant... without counting two acquaintances from the neighborhood.... shall we put 15 people at least in three years?).
The thing is, for me, it makes no difference whether someone dies or goes to live somewhere else and I don't hear from that person anymore.
In fact, and I guess this is the problem, sometimes (when I used to leave home, not now) I was afraid of running into people on certain streets that I knew no longer existed... I guess people never cease to exist as long as someone remembers them.

Suicide I do understand, it's intentionally ending your life. But actually, for me, it has nothing to do with death but with ending life, which is not the same thing.

It is often believed, a widespread misconception, that life and death are the two sides of the same coin, but they have no relation to each other. Birth and death are the two sides of the same coin. Life is what exists between birth and death, whether you are aware of it or not.
Birth and death are only the entrance and exit doors of life. But the door of death where does it lead? the exit to where? it is evident that in spite of being dead you cannot stop existing even if you are not conscious.... all the messages that I have written in this web have reached several people that, whether they want or not, will perpetuate what I have written through their own experiences and experiences.

There is one way to really die, in life, and that is to not relate to anyone by any means. You will not be heard or remembered or influence anyone's life or decision making. But does anyone really die?

I guess that's why I don't understand death, because ending life doesn't mean dying, it means putting an end to it... and dying is not enough, at least just dying.

Suicide wants to alleviate (the idea) or eliminate suffering (the execution), it is very easy to understand.. but does it achieve the purpose of eliminating life?. This forum has given me to understand that for most it is not possible, one's life goes on through others whether you want it to or not, whether you have committed suicide or not.

But if there are people who live differently and are able to truly end their life, or feel that way, I am happy for them. But at the moment, I only see suicide as a way to alleviate or eliminate discomfort, not to die.

//

Tinc 44 anys i encara no entenc la mort... suposo que només l'entendré poc abans de l'instant de morir. Durant la meva vida han mort moltes persones al meu voltant (només desde setembre del 2019 porto 13 familiars entre propers i llunyans.. sense comptar dos coneguts del barri... posem 15 persones mínim en tres anys?).
El cas es que, per mi, no hi ha cap diferéncia entre que algú es mori o s'en vagi a viure a un altre lloc i no tingui més notícies d'aquesta persona.
De fet, i suposo que aquest és el problema, de vegades (quan sortía de casa, ara no) tenía por de trobar-me per segons quins carrers amb persones que jo sabía que ja no existíen... suposo que la gent no deixa d'existir mai mentre's algú els recordi.

El suïcidi si l'entenc, es posar fi de forma intencionada a la teva vida.. pero en realitat, per mi, no te res a veure amb la mort sinó amb finalitzar la vida, que no és el mateix.

Sovint es creu, un error ben extés, que vida i mort son les dues cares d'una mateixa moneda.. però no tenen cap relació entre si. Naixement i mort si són les dues cares d'una mateixa moneda. La vida és el que hi ha entre el naixement i la mort, siguis conscient d'aquesta o no.
Naixement i mort només són les portes d'entrada i sortida de la vida. Pero la porta de la mort on du? la sortida cap a ón? és evident que tot i ser mort no pots deixar d'existir encara que no siguis conscient.... tots els missatges que he escrit en aquest web han arribat a diverses persones que, vulgui o no, perpetuaràn el que he deixat escrit a través de les seves própies experiéncies i vivéncies.

Hi ha una manera de morir realment, en vida, i és no relacionan-te amb ningú per cap tipus de mitjà. No seràs escoltat ni recordat ni influenciaràs en la vida o presa de decisions de ningú. Però mort realment algú?

Suposo que per això no entenc la mort, perqué finalitzar la vida no vol dir morir, vol dir posar punt i final.. i amb morir no n'hi ha prou, almenys amb simplement morir-se.

El suïcidi vol alleugir (la idea) o eliminar el patiment (l'execució), és molt fàcil d'entendre.. però aconsegueix el propósit d'el·liminar la vida?. Aquest fòrum m'ha donat a entendre que per a la majoría no és possible, la vida d'un continúa a través dels altres vulguis o no, t'hagis suïcidat o no.

Però si hi ha persones que viuen d'una manera diferent i són capaços de finalitzar de debó la seva vida, o així ho senten, me n'alegro per ells. Però de moment, només veig que el suïcidi te com a finalitat alleugir o eliminar el malestar, no morir-se.

 

[spoiledsick]

my grandfather died when i was five, that was my first exposure to death. he was the person i was closest with, and when he died, nobody explained anything to me, just told me i was too young to understand. i just did my best to put things together from the odd bits of adult conversations i heard. that was also the year i was molested (sex being another taboo topic i received no education on from the adults in my life, so i had no way to understand what i had experienced), and i think the two events together really triggered my lifelong depression. of course, i was predisposed to it, since both of my parents have been depressed since their childhoods as well, so it was laying dormant in me, waiting for the right moment to awaken.

that's when i began to self-harm as well, but not with any intention of killing myself, just because it was the only thing that made me feel any better and cope with the psychological pain i was in.

i can't remember when or where i learned about suicide. i mostly just remember starting highschool with that being my only constant comforting thought, so, about 13 (summer between middle and highschool, mostly triggered by my dad getting remarried to my evil stepmother). my life had steadily been going downhill since my birth, so hastening my death just seemed like the logical solution. once the thought got into my head, i have never lived a day in my life without thinking of it.

 

[aforestfire]

when i was a child i used to have nightmares with my parents dying almost every night, i have no idea where this came from, maybe from tv, idk. i only started thinking about my own death when i was 11, i never put a thought in that before, i think what triggered that was puberty, but also the internet; i used to look those cringe instagram accounts, that talked about depression in the most generic and romanticized way possible with a picture in black and white on the background.

the actual suicidal thoughts came after the realization of all of my unsolved traumas, i started overanalyzing all of my childhood memories and i noticed how fucked up things where from the beginning, the more i remembered, the more i wanted to die, this leaded me to start self-harming which, with time, made things worse.

i don't really think none of this could be avoided after a certain age, maybe unlimited access to the internet made things escalate quickly, but it would happen eventually.

 

[Un-]

I don't remember the cause of it, but my mother made me cry when I was 10. While I was crying, I searched up why I shouldn't kill myself.

 

[MidnightDream]

Probably around 12. I remember self harming because I admired the darkness of it.. I was suicidal by the end of 12 for sure.
As for how I became aware of it.. I was into a lot of emo bands by then lol

 

[SamTam33]

I first heard about suicide at age 7.

It was either on the evening news or some news program like 60 Minutes.

I was at my grandmother's house, but I knew when I got home, I was going to take some pills so I could die like the person on the news.

There was no specific event that led to me wanting to die. I've just never wanted to live.

At age 7, being told what to eat, what to wear, and when to go to bed - every directive I had been given up to that point was the opposite of what I wanted to do.

I realized that there would always be rules to follow and people telling me what to do.

Even the fun things like being able to watch TV before bed didn't matter because I knew I'd have to turn the TV off before I was ready to.

I remember not liking school lunches on most days and being preoccupied with who had planned them and why everyone in the entire school had to eat the same thing.

I hated scrapes and scratches and how ugly the flesh looked underneath the skin. I never cried, but when my mom cleaned them up, I remember knowing it wasn't something I wanted to keep experiencing.

Those are the kinds of things my 7-year old brain wanted to escape.

All the crappy parts of life were apparent to me from a young age, and listening to the adults around me (parents, teachers, tv characters, etc.), I knew they felt the same way about their adult problems as I felt about my kid problems. When was the happy part of life supposed to occur?

Adults do a horrible job at making observant little children want to grow up and be one of them. Always tired, stressed, and complaining about money.

I never wanted that. I never wanted ME. I never wanted any of it.

 

[FuneralCry]

My memory is quite bad and I struggle to remember much from when I was very young but I know that I've been aware of the concept of death for as long as I could remember. When I was very young an old family member died and I remember visiting the cemetery and I really envied those who had passed away, I wanted to be permanently asleep like them. I know that I've never wished to exist at all, and I've never felt content here, just being awake and aware has always been something undesirable and burdensome, so thoughts of wishing to die are the natural response to this and have always been there.

It's just hard to remember when I first learned about suicide, I cannot think but I know that I've thought about suicide for a long time now since before I reached the teen years but sadly I'm still here. In my case to die is simply the only thing that appeals and comforts me. The only relief could ever be in the thought that this will all be gone someday no matter what.

 

[Mr_House]

I remember when I was 9 I had watched shows like AMC's The Walking Dead (Back when it was scary) and Titanic. most of my exposure to death was from media, Though it wasn't until I came here that I could grasp the meaning of Suicide and truly start to develop a conscious awareness of what death is rather than something shocking in a TV show or movie…

I began to think.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Experienced very little death growing up. A relative committed suicide at my age 12. But seemed utterly alien. Now I only wish to disappear.

 

[vultureilse]

it honestly is kinda hard to tell because my memories are very vague. i got diagnosed with depression when i was 10 but i had a lot of mental issues before that, i remember being like 8 or 9 and venting on online forums about hating myself and wanting to dissapear

i think i probably learned about suicide around 10 or 11. but i experienced the feeling of wanting to dissapear, just go to sleep and never wake up again way before that i just didnt really have an understanding of the concept of suicide yet

 

[Unending]

I don't remember too much from my childhood which makes the things that I do remember feel a little more emotionally significant. One memory that comes to mind is crying in my closet around the 4th grade and thinking about how I wish I could "disappear." I guess that this was, in a way, my first suicidal thought, even though it wasn't as explicit as thinking "I want to take sn," or something like that.

Also, I remember several years earlier being around my grandfather while he was dying when I was 7 or so and not really understanding it completely. For example, I knew after his death that he was gone but didn't really understand the gravity of the situation. Maybe it wasn't sad to me because of the deterioration I witnessed him go through for the time leading up to his death? Who knows. Maybe it did deeply impact me but I just didn't have much emotional maturity as a young one so I didn't think much of it.

 

[Wannagonow]

I didn't experience any deaths close to me until my 20s. I think my awareness of it probably showed up by 11 or 12. Regarding the recognition of suicide- around 15-16 I began to think of killing myself. Although there was alot of emotional abuse, I don't think that's why it showed up in my head. I'm bipolar and I think it started to manifest itself mid-late teens. My family just thought (and still thinks, I'm just a "sad person").

 

[NambaSutra]

I had a friend in high school who told me she was suicidal, but this was in the early 1990s. I felt bad for her and wanted to help her. I definitely wasn't suicidal myself way back then. I didn't start feeling suicidal myself until much later when I became an adult and life became hard. As a kid my parents made it all look and feel easy.