SoulCage
Student
- Dec 28, 2023
- 131
I feel so much anger inside me right now. 1 year ago I knew exactly that this will be the outcome of "seeking professional help".
But you know
...
I tried it anyway, because everyone kept insisting that this is the correct way. It is what everyone is trained to think that it works, maybe because it actually helps in certain cases. I tried it, because I wanted the people in my life to know that I tried the official methods that are studied and practiced. That they can't use the excuse "yea, but she just kept rejecting all the help, so no wonder she is miserable". And most importantly... That they don't blame themselves when I am gone.
So what did the professionals try to "help" me?
I started in September last year, made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
One month I had to wait for the appointment.
She cancelled it, because >she (not me) fell ill, a cold or something. She had to reschedule and I waited another month ... This doctor did not try to make room in her calender to see me earlier, although she knew exactly about my current condition. That I was suffering, that I couldn't sleep, that I couldn't be productive for society (and therefore threatening my income, my existence). In the meantime I had to quit the job that I just got, because I couldn't take it anymore, I was too tired, I felt sick just thinking about this job, I was close to an attempt, but my last sane brain cells, told me to stop this job and to wait for the psychiatrist, because that's what everyone keeps telling me that it will help.
So I waited...
And then I met this doctor...
The whole conversation with her was one of the worst experiences in my life. I told her about my fears and my sleep deprivation, my suicidal ideation, because I can't find a job, a community where I like existence... She just did the good old guilt-tripping, making me "think about the people in my life, I can't do this to them". There were also some other talking points that were completely upsetting. I have told this story in one of my other vents, tl;dr she gave me Venlafaxin and Mirtazapin and after the second appointment I cut her out of my life and moved on to another doctor...
The second doctor I met 5 months after I first started my "get help" journey and she was nice and understanding, she wanted to run more tests, checking if the med dosage is okay. At this point I already talked about my increased drowsiness from the meds and that I started to have other issues like, high heart rate and pressure on my chest...
But she only took notes of it, told me to try some antihistamines and that's it.
The antihistamines didn't work at all, still had the issues.
In the meantime I also managed to get accepted for an outpatient psychiatric program, where I will see a doctor and therapist each week. I told them both that I keep having this issues, even suggesting that the medication might need changing. But they took notes... And didn't change at all.
When the program ended, I received a letter of the summary of my stay. All I said was not included, instead they focused on a few things were I took initiative, basically highlighting my "improvement". The whole letter read like it was meant to make sure that the insurance gets justification for paying this program, that the therapies are worth the money. Disgusting.
The only thing I liked about this program was the interaction with a group of people who were also struggling.
...Anyway it was necessary to tell some details of the story, because I feel like I have to highlight the fact that I kept telling so many "professionals" about my current condition, but they kept ignoring me. And I continued to follow their instructions, because that's what I promised everyone to do.
But lately.. my body is even worse off than usual. Extreme tiredness, extreme chest pain.
And I have 0 motivation to talk to a wall again. So I decided I reduce the amount of Mirtazapin (btw, my doctor wanted to increase it) and guess what... The symptoms are gone.
I am really angry at the fact that I spent so much money on everything and angry at myself for believing in this bullshit (like "why did I fall for this", because already knew that it will go wrong). But at the same time I feel relieved. Because, as I said, nobody is allowed to tell me that I didn't try the "right" way.
It felt good to vent my anger, I don't expect any replies. I kinda just wanted to create a snapshot of my current "recovery Journey". I no longer think that medical assistance can solve my depression/anger that I feel for life and society. I can't and don't want to change how I think about the world. I am disgusted by the reality that we created for ourselves. All the systems that we integrated into society, that solve one problem but create another. Enjoying the cope while creating the reason why we need cope in the first place. exploiting each other just to satisfy each other. I was trained to not lie, but to accept being alive, to fulfill my needs, I have to constantly lie to myself. bit it feels wrong, it's a rule I have to break, it makes me feel like it's not correct, because I was trained the incorrect things bring harm.
what the actual fuck.
Maybe we should teach our kids to lie or to let them know that breaking rules gives benefits, because this way
...
They won't have this rejection within themselves when realizing the true reasons behind our suffering.
I posted this in recovery, because it is all about my recovery attempt, but honestly... I don't know how much longer I want to exist like this.
I am still working as well on my exit plan, lately less so because of the extreme body issues. Today I woke up early and just had to fucking write this all down. Also making sure that I copy it to my private journal that can be read by the people i will hurt. Letting them know that they couldn't have saved me.
Thanks for reading. I am still alive, because my cope is currently very effective. I have all these health issues, but i don't have to fear losing my means to sleep/eat/shit in the near future.
I will see you again in another post soon.
But you know
...
I tried it anyway, because everyone kept insisting that this is the correct way. It is what everyone is trained to think that it works, maybe because it actually helps in certain cases. I tried it, because I wanted the people in my life to know that I tried the official methods that are studied and practiced. That they can't use the excuse "yea, but she just kept rejecting all the help, so no wonder she is miserable". And most importantly... That they don't blame themselves when I am gone.
So what did the professionals try to "help" me?
I started in September last year, made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
One month I had to wait for the appointment.
She cancelled it, because >she (not me) fell ill, a cold or something. She had to reschedule and I waited another month ... This doctor did not try to make room in her calender to see me earlier, although she knew exactly about my current condition. That I was suffering, that I couldn't sleep, that I couldn't be productive for society (and therefore threatening my income, my existence). In the meantime I had to quit the job that I just got, because I couldn't take it anymore, I was too tired, I felt sick just thinking about this job, I was close to an attempt, but my last sane brain cells, told me to stop this job and to wait for the psychiatrist, because that's what everyone keeps telling me that it will help.
So I waited...
And then I met this doctor...
The whole conversation with her was one of the worst experiences in my life. I told her about my fears and my sleep deprivation, my suicidal ideation, because I can't find a job, a community where I like existence... She just did the good old guilt-tripping, making me "think about the people in my life, I can't do this to them". There were also some other talking points that were completely upsetting. I have told this story in one of my other vents, tl;dr she gave me Venlafaxin and Mirtazapin and after the second appointment I cut her out of my life and moved on to another doctor...
The second doctor I met 5 months after I first started my "get help" journey and she was nice and understanding, she wanted to run more tests, checking if the med dosage is okay. At this point I already talked about my increased drowsiness from the meds and that I started to have other issues like, high heart rate and pressure on my chest...
But she only took notes of it, told me to try some antihistamines and that's it.
The antihistamines didn't work at all, still had the issues.
In the meantime I also managed to get accepted for an outpatient psychiatric program, where I will see a doctor and therapist each week. I told them both that I keep having this issues, even suggesting that the medication might need changing. But they took notes... And didn't change at all.
When the program ended, I received a letter of the summary of my stay. All I said was not included, instead they focused on a few things were I took initiative, basically highlighting my "improvement". The whole letter read like it was meant to make sure that the insurance gets justification for paying this program, that the therapies are worth the money. Disgusting.
The only thing I liked about this program was the interaction with a group of people who were also struggling.
...Anyway it was necessary to tell some details of the story, because I feel like I have to highlight the fact that I kept telling so many "professionals" about my current condition, but they kept ignoring me. And I continued to follow their instructions, because that's what I promised everyone to do.
But lately.. my body is even worse off than usual. Extreme tiredness, extreme chest pain.
And I have 0 motivation to talk to a wall again. So I decided I reduce the amount of Mirtazapin (btw, my doctor wanted to increase it) and guess what... The symptoms are gone.
I am really angry at the fact that I spent so much money on everything and angry at myself for believing in this bullshit (like "why did I fall for this", because already knew that it will go wrong). But at the same time I feel relieved. Because, as I said, nobody is allowed to tell me that I didn't try the "right" way.
It felt good to vent my anger, I don't expect any replies. I kinda just wanted to create a snapshot of my current "recovery Journey". I no longer think that medical assistance can solve my depression/anger that I feel for life and society. I can't and don't want to change how I think about the world. I am disgusted by the reality that we created for ourselves. All the systems that we integrated into society, that solve one problem but create another. Enjoying the cope while creating the reason why we need cope in the first place. exploiting each other just to satisfy each other. I was trained to not lie, but to accept being alive, to fulfill my needs, I have to constantly lie to myself. bit it feels wrong, it's a rule I have to break, it makes me feel like it's not correct, because I was trained the incorrect things bring harm.
what the actual fuck.
Maybe we should teach our kids to lie or to let them know that breaking rules gives benefits, because this way
...
They won't have this rejection within themselves when realizing the true reasons behind our suffering.
I posted this in recovery, because it is all about my recovery attempt, but honestly... I don't know how much longer I want to exist like this.
I am still working as well on my exit plan, lately less so because of the extreme body issues. Today I woke up early and just had to fucking write this all down. Also making sure that I copy it to my private journal that can be read by the people i will hurt. Letting them know that they couldn't have saved me.
Thanks for reading. I am still alive, because my cope is currently very effective. I have all these health issues, but i don't have to fear losing my means to sleep/eat/shit in the near future.
I will see you again in another post soon.
