Hi, new here.
I'm 27. I desperately need and want to exit. I can't take this anymore. The problem is I'm too much of a chicken for literally anything, and I've got unreal levels of SI. It's always been like this. I can't even approach the railing on a balcony without feeling the impulse to pull away. I can't even attempt to swim, as the moment water gets up to my neck or in my face, I feel I'll drown.
I just wasted money on a helium tank and mask setup, but as expected, I don't even have the courage for that. I tried a short test and can't even bring myself to lose consciousness. I know that there's not any oxygen in what I'm breathing. As soon as I start sensing something wrong or a few seconds pass, I panic and pull the mask away. Also, knowing how clumsy I am with this DIY stuff, I'm pretty sure there'd be several issues in my setup no matter what. That's how the only peaceful method goes down the drain, after waiting so impatiently for it.
The truth is I don't really want to hurt myself or die, for that matter. I never wanted to and while I feel like I deserve it, I also feel like I don't. But I can't keep living like this either. Somehow I managed to fail at literally everything in life, and I lost literally everyone and everything. I'm tired of keeping at this misery, I'm worn out of fighting and sacrificing everything just to be betrayed by some fucking whores. I'm tired of seeing dumbasses and hoes live and run and fuck and have fun outside, while I'm relegated to watching from the sides and succumbing to my excruciating misery.
But I just can't do it. I keep thinking of what my mom would say to me if she was here and saw me doing this, and how she always cared for me, and I feel a fucking failure and guilty for even trying.
The only way I could do this is a gun. I know. I need it to be instant. Besides, I've always liked firearms and I actually like the idea of using one to do it. Of course, they had to be illegal here. Same goes for N, SN probably impossible to get and I couldn't bring myself to do it, anyway. Just watching what happens after losing consciousness, I feel like I can't do that to me.
I've thought of using a blank gun, possibly on the Adam's apple area directly or in my mouth, as I've heard that the pressure from the blow could cause serious and potentially lethal damage, but I'm guessing this is just stupid and unreliable, isn't it?
I was determined on ODing on OTC drugs, or the whole 200g valerian pills if needed, but after reading on here, guess that's not it.
I'd like to try yew needles, but from the information I could gather here, I'd probably need thousands of them?
Now I'm thinking of just locking myself in the bathroom and mixing 2l sulfuric with 1l formic in a glass bowl and leave it at that, without even caring for washing the fumes. Surely I'll pussy out of the room in no time.
I don't know, I guess there are not many alternatives, but still wanted to ask, maybe there's some very obscure method I haven't heard yet. I've read a thousand discussions on here...
I'm 27. I desperately need and want to exit. I can't take this anymore. The problem is I'm too much of a chicken for literally anything, and I've got unreal levels of SI. It's always been like this. I can't even approach the railing on a balcony without feeling the impulse to pull away. I can't even attempt to swim, as the moment water gets up to my neck or in my face, I feel I'll drown.
I just wasted money on a helium tank and mask setup, but as expected, I don't even have the courage for that. I tried a short test and can't even bring myself to lose consciousness. I know that there's not any oxygen in what I'm breathing. As soon as I start sensing something wrong or a few seconds pass, I panic and pull the mask away. Also, knowing how clumsy I am with this DIY stuff, I'm pretty sure there'd be several issues in my setup no matter what. That's how the only peaceful method goes down the drain, after waiting so impatiently for it.
The truth is I don't really want to hurt myself or die, for that matter. I never wanted to and while I feel like I deserve it, I also feel like I don't. But I can't keep living like this either. Somehow I managed to fail at literally everything in life, and I lost literally everyone and everything. I'm tired of keeping at this misery, I'm worn out of fighting and sacrificing everything just to be betrayed by some fucking whores. I'm tired of seeing dumbasses and hoes live and run and fuck and have fun outside, while I'm relegated to watching from the sides and succumbing to my excruciating misery.
But I just can't do it. I keep thinking of what my mom would say to me if she was here and saw me doing this, and how she always cared for me, and I feel a fucking failure and guilty for even trying.
The only way I could do this is a gun. I know. I need it to be instant. Besides, I've always liked firearms and I actually like the idea of using one to do it. Of course, they had to be illegal here. Same goes for N, SN probably impossible to get and I couldn't bring myself to do it, anyway. Just watching what happens after losing consciousness, I feel like I can't do that to me.
I've thought of using a blank gun, possibly on the Adam's apple area directly or in my mouth, as I've heard that the pressure from the blow could cause serious and potentially lethal damage, but I'm guessing this is just stupid and unreliable, isn't it?
I was determined on ODing on OTC drugs, or the whole 200g valerian pills if needed, but after reading on here, guess that's not it.
I'd like to try yew needles, but from the information I could gather here, I'd probably need thousands of them?
Now I'm thinking of just locking myself in the bathroom and mixing 2l sulfuric with 1l formic in a glass bowl and leave it at that, without even caring for washing the fumes. Surely I'll pussy out of the room in no time.
I don't know, I guess there are not many alternatives, but still wanted to ask, maybe there's some very obscure method I haven't heard yet. I've read a thousand discussions on here...
Sounds to me like you aren't really ready though? 
