Asperger’s and agoraphobic

[moldyara2002]

Welp it's been a while since I've been on here again. My family hates me, and I don't even know why. Guess they think I'm a disappointment and that's the only thing I am to them. I don't even really have a family anymore. I don't really have friends anymore either. The friends I had, only wanted to date me and couldn't see me any other way than through that lens anyways, so even though I click with people so rarely, it's better off that it ended. A few people, rip your limbs off in the process of trying to control you through their jealousy and selfishness, and they can't even see you. I'm alone now. I have Asperger's, and I've been agoraphobic for a long time, but it's really set in ever since I moved out. Haven't gone anywhere or done anything outside in 5 years. I get panic attacks and/or I shut down. Live alone but my parent's own the apartment building. I work in a restaurant for 8 years, wake up at 2am, and go home at 1pm. I have great work ethic and I'm quick. I throw all my money into the wind because why save it when I'm just going to kill myself. Fall is here. I've missed out on the past 5 years of beautiful autumn because I can't go outside by myself. It's killing my soul. I can't keep living like this. But I don't want to die, I have to die. I'm stuck in this loop, some people can never escape themselves. I will never be able to go anywhere. I feel like I'm left abandoned in the middle of an empty ocean and no one cares. I bought a gun and bullets last year. I was going to shoot myself once I lost my "friends", but I'm still here. It just feels relieving now knowing that I have it there in my dresser. Before I had my method, I was pretty stressed and felt even more trapped than I do now. But I still feel the dread and anxiety every day, of knowing that I'm never going to go anywhere in my life from here. I think about killing myself every day since I was a child.

 

[settling]

i suffer the exact same problems
i hope we both get out of this hell some way or another

 

[flyingwhiteboar]

I know how you feel and it is tough sorry bud. Did you try any meds?

 

[moldyara2002]

i suffer the exact same problems
i hope we both get out of this hell some way or another

Even if we don't both do it by our own hands, I like to tell myself in a funny sort of way, Don't worry- you WILL die! Eventually, some way or another, It will happen

I know how you feel and it is tough sorry bud. Did you try any meds?

I tried Prozac for about a year and a half. It made me pretty grumpy and blunted. But also, EXTREMELY suicidal, as though nothing else mattered except suicide. It was like a glowing red beacon and everything else was faded into the background. Really weird mindset it gave me. Being on Prozac is actually what led me to teaching myself all about guns, helped me save up and go out and buy a gun, and find this website. It was really productive- in all the wrong ways haha! Hopefully I'm writing these replies in the right format here.

 

[red_cardinal]

Fellow aspie here. I do not have agoraphobia, but I have a terrible time outside due to overstimulation, social anxiety, and OCD features, plus some neurological problems (migraines with vertigo and photophobia). All I can say is, I'm truly sorry you're struggling like this, and I wish I had a solution to ease our pain. Other than suicide, I mean. Kudos for managing to keep a job, that's amazing and something I'm unable to right now. I know it doesn't change anything in your suffering, but I think it's great. Whether you choose to live or die, I hope you'll find solace in your choice, and, ultimately, the relief and peace you're looking for