ASD life sucks but i wanna share my story (ctb but not now!!!)

[-Raven's Night-]

No one wants to talk to me usually that's why I am here, really afraid that the result will be the same. I tried my best to socialize in a way that society wants. But please excuse me if i make any mistakes in socializing, i will appreciate everyone that wanna talk to me, for sure.
I have been diagnosed with ASD in DSM-5, also asperger's disorder in DSM-4.
I wanna share some poems that describe my feelings here, due to reasons of alexithymia i find it hard to explicitly write down my feelings but in poetry.
I kinda don't know what will happen if i post a poetry here, it would be seen as a record for a possible recovery?
But hmm, I'm listening to Lifelover right now, singing, "do life has meaning? Life doesn't have any meaning!"
I do think they are right. But i live for the reason that somebody else want me to be alive. Actually i would like to ctb when i think time is up, but not now. Have been thinking for 5 years i guess. But now i have to live.
That's it. Treat the poem as a story. I will probably post more then (if there are replies...) probably story will follow up as well.

Foxtail or Orris, When We Have a Prairie
My eyes covered and in the black
nightfall blue, black
reflected by the unquiet waves,
ocean's my ink, from the melancholy
My hands tied, with the thread of self doubt
Knees down I fall and feel no more--
and dazzled rain falling the halfway
Subconsciously turning me around within
The black uncovered in my own version
Ocean's your eyes, one day overnight
In its liquid and transparent canvas
It's solitude island, prairie, weighless void
and universe (undoubtedly universe)
summon from the shifting ascending ground

I'm torn in between. this side or the other
It's tearing me apart!

As if foxtail in the garden of orris
that's how they wear me the blinder
with the illusion
Point at the conversation we had
fill me with sound, sounds of thunder and paper in the wind
try to teach me what's a conversation should be like
But, it's not enough, nasty routine
'Apologies and appreciation needless to say'
But I'm in fear of never hearing your whisper
But I can't help telling thank you for every single reply...
every single word you said you wish me okay
And before you typed, I know what I would read
And before you note your counterpoint, I know what the melodies and harmonies
I wanna say to them
Philosophy, the reality, don't drop your blackest ink on
Foxtail in the garden of orris
Orris in the community of foxtail
On the Mar, the moon, the vacancy
But I have the rain in my veins
I have the sun evaporates my nerve
I have a prairie within
I have a prairie within
Barnyard grass, threeawn, community diversity
I have a prairie with in
Occasional species
The only two from another faraway land
I have a prairie within!

So we seated on the rooftop made by
By the grass gone with the wind
Against the wind, we seated
On the grass gone with the wind
Climb upon, with hands tied
Look at the sky, through a blinder
That existing in the outside world
But not mine, never mine.
I growl at the freedom of
the direction of your ray cast upon
I growl at the freedom of
Don't care anymore, it's not me.
So here we are, in the prairie within
I thank for every air atoms that have traveled in me
for every sound that vibrate my cells
and the grand coincidence or the doom
it's the day to look at the sky
follow the track of the moon
I praise for the day the planet coincidentally grabbed your skim over
I praise for the day you coincidentally grabbed by the land
I praise for the day we not find its not a coincidence
I praise for the day that all the poem is true.

I don't need. I don't need'em to tell me
how we suppose to talk
the barnyard grass eagers the water
but it shows no mercy.
like rains in our veins
thunder our my muscles and breath
that flame attracted me
subconsciously, unconditional
bend my will
and lead me to the light
we say thousands of thank you
and I understand you, and you are my best friend
and it's not the time they teach me how to talk
never will be such time
I don't need.
look at the sky
in the day you coincidentally grab by the land


all in all so lonely because i hate the feeling when there's no response. no response. no response. i fucking hate that.

 

[-Raven's Night-]

well this is about my hypnagogic hallucination.
wonder if you guys have same issues about hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucination?
I feel extremely annoyed because once upon winter come many things in me changed... and btw I listen to depressive suicidal black metal, feeling like living their way, craving on sedatives, live life in self harm and insanity, it just feels sometimes i don't want it to get better, but since i can't ctb (so annoying) at this moment for many reasons, let it just go that way. Please feel free to leave a response because that will mean so much to me, i'm in self-doubt.

Hallucination is my band.
Gravity refuses to provide centripetal force
Hallucinations are rampaging, lost GABA receptors
Neurotransmitters are the drummer's trembling pedal
When I couldn't move and I saw the pulsating darkness,
You were rehearsing that new song
The cold leaden wind over the fields, and the treading rain
Riffs. Synapses are my effectors
The exam paper caught fire with excessive distortion,
To be extinguished with the remains of the Inner world.
Like sodium and sand, water and kerosene


Hallucinations are extracellular fluid flowing backwards
Neurotransmitters are fast-moving nebulas
As the Life After Life
It's a routine plunge into the earth at noon every day
But it's too real to be considered a dream
At the center of the earth we lose the grip of gravity
The train's turning back was never so direct
As the bell rang, handing the exam paper without turning back
The footprints of your aluminothermic steel
Without wear and tear, where will your centripetal force point?
The students all said, the orbital pressure perpendicular to the inclination
But this train is going underneath the earth!
In fact it's perpendicular to gravity, floating in wheat fields and blue waves
Gravity refuses to provide centripetal force.


I wake up just before I fall
Held up by a thick wall of guitar sound
Found still the same bed with the same eyes
floating trigonometric functions
Never the life after life
Fall through a wall cast by a fractal function
My station rotates to deflect the centripetal force
Depressed people often say that they are empty inside
If our bodies were the earth
Gravity reverses slightly above their void.
But I think my brain wants to feel everything
Spinning like a supernova, tightening the core
When the moon passes over my carbon-black South Pole
The uneven density always makes it helpless to fly closer
Running were that wall towards the head (Motion is mutual, only relative stillness.)
Hallucinations are The Writing on The Wall
Gravity has no choice but to provide centripetal force.


My band always borrows my brain
The neurotransmitter remix is played only once on vinyl
Most of my music only exists once
Now I'm about to cross the stratosphere and the aurora
Say goodbye to the white brick buildings that bring nostalgia and vision
With slow-flowing cobalt blue glass windows
I watched the horizon melt into a shimmering arc
The moon sinks and rises and breathe (like a whale, a mammal)
The milk of the moon fed my sensitive nerves latent latent
It is the tendrils of soybean stems in the garden searching for branches in the air
Finally, the earth appears in its entirety
The earth's axis and longitude and latitude lines
as clear as brick seams
Layered color topographic map, I see the depth of the ocean
Continents melt like clouds in the sky
I'm still trying to find your realm.

Hallucinations are four hours of sleep,
I wake up before I fell asleep

 

[duskrainfall]

I also have Asperger's. It really does suck. I relate to you so much. *offers hug*

 

[-Raven's Night-]

I also have Asperger's. It really does suck. I relate to you so much. *offers hug*

So glad to meet people who have the same feelings here! Yes... ASD makes small things in life so annoying, like hypersensitivity always been seen as, idk, but I was bullied then. Also, literal meaning to understand things cause me trouble even today in university...even lead me to mental breakdown. so sorry if I vent so much! *hug*

 

[duskrainfall]

So glad to meet people who have the same feelings here! Yes... ASD makes small things in life so annoying, like hypersensitivity always been seen as, idk, but I was bullied then. Also, literal meaning to understand things cause me trouble even today in university...even lead me to mental breakdown. so sorry if I vent so much! *hug*

That's ok, I can relate. Studying in school or university while having sensory processing issues is really difficult. I'm always telling people to be quiet... and they get annoyed with me for it. But I can't understand the professor if someone is talking in the background. The words all blend together and turn into a word salad.

What are you studying in University?

 

[-Raven's Night-]

That's ok, I can relate. Studying in school or university while having sensory processing issues is really difficult. I'm always telling people to be quiet... and they get annoyed with me for it. But I can't understand the professor if someone is talking in the background. The words all blend together and turn into a word salad.

What are you studying in University?

Related to this so much. I spend three years didn't attend to school so now i'm freshman and learn neuroscience, but now just learn something basic like biology and chemistry. What about you?

 

[-Raven's Night-]

This is about the restricted/repetitive behavior of asd, my hobby is to collect package inserts of meds. I wrote an article about myself and was posted by a famous public account which is supposed to make me feel so happy, and the comments were full of great people who have similar hobbies which move me a lot. Now i do feel better!

Sedate Me (Might as well we escape tonight)
If rain landed on my windowsill tonight
Then, the explosive thunder is just a drummer drunk into oblivion
I'm not gonna be frightened, but
accompanied by the beat like a psychonaut
I would be headbanging as well as my synaptics.

Please don't let the rain fall
However, from the never-sober sky
head low, tongue lolling, and dripping
Punching my naked (but it shouldn't be) trachea with the gather momentum
But its chloroplast stretching, water photolysis, life breathing hard
as the seed drill from underground
only to find the eternal night above soil
Its plump, fertile cotyledons
failed the immortality of water and moon (it's a allusion from Su Shi's Chi Bi , an ancient Chinese poet)

Nevertheless
Water's eventually will evaporate, moon's ultimately will disintegrate
As the Valium pill we swallowed.
I walk on the road, close my eyes at where I fell
Please don't let the corner of my eye reflected those neons
Regardless of the water on the ground of tar
soaking my socks and shoes, I close my eyes
never walk into the abyss twice

Please let me be someone
who will never set fire to the everything and all
let me pack up every dispensable chopstick
let me preserve every empty pill bottle
let me bow and pick up the crumble, abandoned package inserts by the road
let me walk down the soil beneath the city's spectacular overpass
let me raise my head and see through the crack of concrete at those stars concealed by the deafening light
let us escape this place tonight
with a whole backpack of treasure,
broken ping-pong balls as the carbon atom, chopsticks as the covalent bond
let me embrace my huge placebo of Lorazepam
Sleep like peace promised by the grave.

 

[-Raven's Night-]

Nitrite Ion

Wherever I stepped my feet
The withered leaves in grey, cladding my skin
Falling from my hairs, all over my body
Upon the soil or the classroom seat
Wherever I announce my existence
The withered leaves in grey, cladding my skin
Howling in the commitment of a forever peace
The wind blowing out from me, unconscious

After all the adventures of imperfections
something magnetically summon my soul

Sanction for sailing departure a no turn journey, they wish me safe travel, no reincarnation on this planet please, finale to everything and nothingness
A lost cause or the kid live a wrong earth, your face's blue and you fall asleep, I would pretend drinking my last cocktail and running in the wilderness with you
You face's blue in peace, they locked me in this room
called choice; a lost cause's cell and home
and the livor mortis, your screams are silent

Fluttering, not meant to be here, life of you, raven bird
That day I know I'll seat myself on that train
Hear the oceans of rage and wrath in my head,
something's so wrong, since I land on this earth
My vision's the midnight blue blaze, no void to fill cause entropy's exploding
Exhausted from being on flame every breathe
Terrified of the heat death of the universe in me
I'm chao, I'm mess, my life's a novel with a wrenching narrative
While they say life's a plan a career a thing to maintain

Sanction for sailing departure a no turn journey, they wish me safe travel, no reincarnation on this planet please, finale to everything and nothingness
A lost cause or the kid lived a wrong earth, your face's blue and you fall asleep, I would pretend drinking my last cocktail and running in the wilderness with you
But no, but no, but somethings so fucking wrong
In life or in glass beaker, our thoughts are thousands of chemical reactions
In reverse and with remorse, nitrite won't be the finale
In the vale, way back chaos
I'll delay every plan after all the adventures of imperfections
When two flames merged into one, the midnight blue blaze
We signed a no-harm contract, planned a different 'suicide pact'
After all those adventures of perfect imperfections
After all those existence of a sand or a grey sun burning in my black eyes and your blues and the atom, a big star's fusion lay no reluctance
Just to bring all these elements for every cell of us, a single electrons's transport chain
After all those fucking perfect imperfections
Beginning of the finale
Finale of the beginning