From a very young age I was given full access to the internet. I became terminally online thereafter; for the entirety of my primary school and highschool education, in fact. I only realized what had gone wrong when I cut that shit out from my life. It was too late. In retrospect, I'm still hesitant to blame my parents. From their perspective, they wanted to shower me with the things they never had growing up. Too bad this entailed consequences which I am still suffering for.
In class I never payed attention, hence never learned anything. While my peers were learning their trigonometric identities, I was in cloudcuckooland, unable to solve an integral. This is why I performed so badly at school. I was always known as an idiot, and evidently my lack of thought on any conversational topic reflected this. I was (and still am) a moron. I am incredibly fucking stupid. Every day I would come home and play videogames/browse the internet until night. Wake up, waste six hours, come home and waste another six, sleep. Repeat.
If reading material had taken precedence over technology, things could have been different. Instead, I was showered with commodities and gifts from the modern era, which lead to a decline in my mental faculties. Now, I'm acutely aware of my own intellectual failings. I can 'feel' the limits of my thought, if that makes sense. Recently, I had wanted to change things by studying something practical, in particular finance. The mathematics behind quant finance is really beautiful, but I fear I lack the intellectual prowess to excel in such a subject, especially due to the onset of brain fog and headaches which occur periodically (as a result of depressive episodes). In any case, I have no motivation to study now. I really wish I had the patience, but unfortunately I am a fatalist.
I recently came in contact with some old highschool friends. They put on airs, indulged in their vanity and accomplishments whilst undermining my own efforts. Of course, their memory of me is likely that of a complete moron, so it was unsurprising that I was treated as some kind of child when trying to add to the conversation. It's fair, I suppose. I am an idiot after all. Hopefully I will be able to CTB some time in the future. I don't like the fact that my mind will continue to degenerate. Even worse, that I may not have enough autonomy to act in a manner I consider rational. I do not want to fail, so planning is key. Of course, I don't think I can do it now. It would hurt my parents too much.
I want to die in a philosophical manner, like Weininger, Mainlander, Michelstaedter did. But compared to them I am an amoeba. For now, I can only contemplate such an act like some idiot Luftmensch.
In class I never payed attention, hence never learned anything. While my peers were learning their trigonometric identities, I was in cloudcuckooland, unable to solve an integral. This is why I performed so badly at school. I was always known as an idiot, and evidently my lack of thought on any conversational topic reflected this. I was (and still am) a moron. I am incredibly fucking stupid. Every day I would come home and play videogames/browse the internet until night. Wake up, waste six hours, come home and waste another six, sleep. Repeat.
If reading material had taken precedence over technology, things could have been different. Instead, I was showered with commodities and gifts from the modern era, which lead to a decline in my mental faculties. Now, I'm acutely aware of my own intellectual failings. I can 'feel' the limits of my thought, if that makes sense. Recently, I had wanted to change things by studying something practical, in particular finance. The mathematics behind quant finance is really beautiful, but I fear I lack the intellectual prowess to excel in such a subject, especially due to the onset of brain fog and headaches which occur periodically (as a result of depressive episodes). In any case, I have no motivation to study now. I really wish I had the patience, but unfortunately I am a fatalist.
I recently came in contact with some old highschool friends. They put on airs, indulged in their vanity and accomplishments whilst undermining my own efforts. Of course, their memory of me is likely that of a complete moron, so it was unsurprising that I was treated as some kind of child when trying to add to the conversation. It's fair, I suppose. I am an idiot after all. Hopefully I will be able to CTB some time in the future. I don't like the fact that my mind will continue to degenerate. Even worse, that I may not have enough autonomy to act in a manner I consider rational. I do not want to fail, so planning is key. Of course, I don't think I can do it now. It would hurt my parents too much.
I want to die in a philosophical manner, like Weininger, Mainlander, Michelstaedter did. But compared to them I am an amoeba. For now, I can only contemplate such an act like some idiot Luftmensch.
