My parents were horrible when I was a child. But I would probably way worse. I would not abuse my children like beating them up all day every single day. But I am overburdened by my life totally. I could never provide care for a child. The woman I date really wants kids and she is 26...I told her I don't want kids because of my genes. But I have not rejected the idea completely. Adopting might be okay. Whatever.
I think I am a pretty different person compared to my mom. I think the is the care type person. She really cares about and for me. But please why did you beat the shit out of me as a child? I was already autistic. Bipolar is just another layer of torture. I think I cannot postpone suicide until her death. I think my death will hit her extremely hard. She will probably get another stroke. I don't want to have witness the aftermath. I need to be dead. She was a helicopter mom. I would probably neglect my children and disdain myself for it. I think I am way too messed up to raise children. I think if your own education was that fucked up its likely you will repeat similar mistakes. Because you just don't know how a good education looks like. I would probably repeat the mistake of my mom. Projecting my own hopes and wishes on my own children. My mom always wanted to go to college so she emphasized how important education and school is. When I was a hypomanic teenager I wanted to start a political dynasty. Lmao. This is so immature. I knew I was not smart enough to become a high politician so I had a find a smart woman to procreate to create another solider (politician) to fulfil my dreams. Honestlly, this thought is so selfish and fucked up. But at least I am now self-aware about it. There are people who think in a similar way sub-consciously and act on it. I think the thing you long for and never received this is actually very difficult to provide for. I read this in a borderline book. (I don't have borderline). And in my case this would be fully unconditional love. I would probably demand intelligence and dread if I noticed my kid would not be smart. And if I realized it was smarter than me I would probably envy it. And when it would not use its capacities/talents I would probably be unhappy.
My dad was the negligence type in my childhood. I would probably be similar. My mom called him lazy he was depressed though. I am scared to become like my dad when I am old. I think I will kill myself before that happens. He scapegoats all the time refugees for the misery our family is in. He never acknowledges how he has failed his children in our childhood.
I have have a borderline friend. Who has a narcisisstic mom (I suspect with borderline). She says her mom fucked her up as a child and this caused most of her problems as an adult. And she really wants to have kids. And it once sounded that she actually wants to treat her children like she was treated. But I think this was a Freudian slip. Lol.
I think I am a pretty different person compared to my mom. I think the is the care type person. She really cares about and for me. But please why did you beat the shit out of me as a child? I was already autistic. Bipolar is just another layer of torture. I think I cannot postpone suicide until her death. I think my death will hit her extremely hard. She will probably get another stroke. I don't want to have witness the aftermath. I need to be dead. She was a helicopter mom. I would probably neglect my children and disdain myself for it. I think I am way too messed up to raise children. I think if your own education was that fucked up its likely you will repeat similar mistakes. Because you just don't know how a good education looks like. I would probably repeat the mistake of my mom. Projecting my own hopes and wishes on my own children. My mom always wanted to go to college so she emphasized how important education and school is. When I was a hypomanic teenager I wanted to start a political dynasty. Lmao. This is so immature. I knew I was not smart enough to become a high politician so I had a find a smart woman to procreate to create another solider (politician) to fulfil my dreams. Honestlly, this thought is so selfish and fucked up. But at least I am now self-aware about it. There are people who think in a similar way sub-consciously and act on it. I think the thing you long for and never received this is actually very difficult to provide for. I read this in a borderline book. (I don't have borderline). And in my case this would be fully unconditional love. I would probably demand intelligence and dread if I noticed my kid would not be smart. And if I realized it was smarter than me I would probably envy it. And when it would not use its capacities/talents I would probably be unhappy.
My dad was the negligence type in my childhood. I would probably be similar. My mom called him lazy he was depressed though. I am scared to become like my dad when I am old. I think I will kill myself before that happens. He scapegoats all the time refugees for the misery our family is in. He never acknowledges how he has failed his children in our childhood.
I have have a borderline friend. Who has a narcisisstic mom (I suspect with borderline). She says her mom fucked her up as a child and this caused most of her problems as an adult. And she really wants to have kids. And it once sounded that she actually wants to treat her children like she was treated. But I think this was a Freudian slip. Lol.
