Are you actually suicidal?

[emmiile]

trying to figure out. it is a constant thought i have had for quite some time it started as "i don't want to die i just wish i didn't exist in the first place" then ig it eventually started evolving into being suicidal or something close to that because to an extent i see it as some sort of punishment. i haven't been diagnosed so i feel like a fraud for even thinking that i am but deserving nothing but death is a feeling i can't shake and it even comes to me randomly even without having a meltdown

 

[사람이 없어]

I don't want to die, but I am tired of fighting and being reliant on other people because I am so messed up and cannot adapt to society it seems.

 

[unnaturalmovement]

All my life.

But i've been resisting this whole time.
As i grow older i see that my faculties are more able to push me to the final act of suicide.
Suffering stacking with time.
As if its overflowing some time already, and i'm just trying to hold my pace.

It's weird to even see this cat in my profile, like its looking back to me. Something alive.

 

[honestmind]

It's complicated. When I first joined, I 100% was suicidal. Now, I can no longer tell if I'm truly suicidal or if my OCD has just latched onto it. Either way, I'm too scared to live. I'd say 60% no 40% yes but it's so close between the two that I'm just watching the days go by and thinking about it all the time. I try convincing myself to buy a gun almost everyday but I'm too scared to take an Uber there lol. Maybe tomorrow...

 

[NoMoreSanity]

Im suicidal for the same reasons darkover and funeral cry are. Life is inherently awful, and coping is beginning to fail. Emotionally, I don't wnat to die but I also do. And rationally, it's the only thing that makes sense. I fear death because I'm to use to or addicted to life. This constant back and forth is torture.

 

[Malfunction]

I'd have to say no.

But I'd rather go out on my own terms than suffer.

 

[goneangels]

It's complicated.

I don't actually want to die, but I have OCD and lately have been really stuck on the idea of poisoning myself and not had a lot of willpower to not do it. Actually tested it out in a sublethal way a bit. I think given how much I've listened to my intrusive thoughts in the past and how I am now, the likelihood I will end up accidentally CTB is pretty high. And I'm okay if that happens. I know it'll ruin things for my loved ones but. I guess some part of me really wants to be free from this OCD nightmare and it feels like at least if I died then it'd be someone else suffering and not me for once. Selfish I guess but, oh well.

 

[unworthy_]

The thought is back again. I have been trying to heal for the past few weeks. I did quite well I must say but starting last week onwards, all my progress went out of the window. I exercise, but it seems like my body is not making any significant changes. I have been trying to be positive, complain less but these bad habits are back again. I feel dejected, exhausted and defeated. My dog's illness is progressing. Not getting any better. I am here because I have to take care of her. Once she is gone, I have nothing to live for.. srsly. All my life (I am 39y this year) after college, I take care of my pets. When my first pet died, my parents got me another. She lives until now but she was diagnosed with terminal illness last year. I live paycheck to paycheck (most of the time finished by 2nd week) to buy supplements for her. She is not undergoing any conventional treatment as none of us could afford it. I am also tired of my life. I dont have anything else to look forward to. I lost the person I love a few months ago. I thought my life would turn around after this but it didnt happen. I screwed his and my life due to fear. Its all gone now. All hope is gone. Yesterday I emailed him to wish him happy birthday but he did not response. It is all gone now. I cant seem to find the purpose anymore except for my pet now. I am seeing therapist but I cant make any improving. I seem to fake it.

 

[BeijaFlor]

suicidal...

no, im not suicidal

im a victim

and FUCK ALL OF YOU

YES, I AM I GODAM VICTIM

I AM NOT FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, I AM A VICTIM YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!!

theres a difference... between suicidal, and victims of society

suicidals, are those who WANT to die

for whatever reasons

but, i dont WANT to die

am i being PUSHED to it

by this FUCKED UP, DISGUSTING, HYPOCRITICAL SOCIETY

and dont you look at me with those eyes, i see you

youre just another piece of shit

well, FUCK YOU!!!

FUCK YOU!!!

FUCK YOU!!!

FUCK YOU!!!

you dont know SHIT of what ive been through

you ....

*sighs*

whatever...

am i suicidal? are YOU suicidal?

who da fuck are you?

are you just here for data collecting?! tell us abit about YOURSELF, why wont you...

 

[banger12]

Define "actually".

I didnt want it to come to this but I think it's the only logical path forward.

 

[binkie]

Yes and no. I think about ctb'ing every day, at least once a day. Even when I'm having a good day. I want my life to be better, but I have none of the tools or resources I need to get there. I've been diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder and I've been struggling with it since I was 10 years old. There was a point when I was 21-22 that I was happy, genuinely happy but I went through some traumatic shit that destroyed my mental health. I've lost a lot of the agency I had in my life and I'm so unhappy all the time. The rope feels like the only way out, but there are so many things I don't want to leave behind. I miss the person I used to be. I don't feel like I'll ever get to be that person again.

 

[strawberrydiequiri]

As a hyper independent person, I just like to have my options. It brings me peace to know that I can leave whenever I am ready. I have a couple of things still to complete, got my will done, will prepay for funeral so fam won't have to worry about it, transfer of deed, and other things on my list. I know I have a lot to live for, I'll live in the moment and hopefully leave graciously. It's kinda fucked given I'm getting married next year.

 

[sadsoni]

bipolar disorder, MDD, constant anxiety. Been evicted a million places. Life sucks!

Yeah I really want to die.

 

[snwcolt]

I'm 37 now, I've considered myself suicidal since my early 20s but back then I really had no idea what that word meant. I think once you REALLY cross that threshold of wanting to be gone, that's only when you can comprehend what it's like. It completely overshadows everything else in your life, and nothing really has a chance of even coming close to the need to be gone and escape the horrors of life

 

[Zaphkiel]

Not actively suicidal anymore.
I have SN from multiple source, and with luck i think i could make an inert as setup.

The fact that i have those exit available strangely makes me able to focus more on other things than suicide. It's thanks to this site.

On the other hand, it's not getting any better since i've registered.
Or any worse.

But at least i have a relative peace of minde.

 

[grungy自殺]

Yes

And i've been that way since i've joined the forum

And if anything there wouldn't be any other reason to join it if i didn't have reasons that are beyond what any normal person would (like them being: OH MY GOD WHY ARE YOU ON THAT SITE, PLEASE GET HELP)

There's like moods or states that would define my mindset that is currently on (as because i have condition or suspected condition like bdp, my moods change very significantly because of a response to a certain event or occurrence that happened to me).

When i'm in my normal state it would usually be me going on with my day and with little regard with me wanting to kill myself (which i'll touch on that in a moment) and when there's alot that is processing in my mind because of whatever there is going on, there would be no indication in my head that is triggering a response for me to feel upset or more specifically very upset (depression in the clinical sense) and i would just go on and on with my mundae day with myself or when i'm with friends as it would be for me to kinda have folks i could speak as always (though parts of me deep down wish i would not want to live here because of "others" here if that makes any sense).

However in the state where i would feel incredibly so low that i would not do my usual routine and would stare out while feeling a huge dip in my mood (or play sad music through my phone or instrument with my hands), the thoughts of ctb would come in and this is where i would say that in the mood where i would feel at my absolute worse is my true self in that i would seriously defy any reason to not give me a reason to not feel better or have a different perspective because i highly believe that life is a meaningless existence.

I just think that for many that are suicidal they don't really want to die but rather want the pain to end and just move on, which is the case for many that are having such thoughts since they're branching out for hope and want to continue on.

But in my case, my own reason to die is for various reasons, and literally i would want to die and seriously end this fucking bastardized part that is existence. And i've have so many thoughts on this that i didn't do this on impulse and i've had moments where i wasn't under huge distress, and i would rather want to go through with my plan. And i would leave behind so much (like notes and videos) to why i did it. And i wouldn't care if it would cause a huge change in many aspects if i'm not here, because it would be a huge inconvenience for my original oath that i've kept to myself that i would have to make up my last shitty years of my life (which were me being a teenager) by ending it all. And not be forcfully faced to grow up because it's a requirement by socitety to do so and the emotional scars that were inflicted upon me is the mere reason why i don't think i could be "fixed" or get better...

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yes i will always be suicidal . I will never see life / existence , consciousness, sentience, nor this world as something good or necessary. meaningless imposed extreme torture is what this is , a scam portrayed as something necessary sacred good important .
Why is something meaningful or important or that has to be done?

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Usually. Unless I'm busy working or something. Once I realized death kills everything - the ability to care about family left behind, principles, morals, etc.... then I realized I have nothing to stop me and nothing to hold on to. It became to me a beautiful and seductive thought.

 

[Natty*]

Yes, I'm truly suicidal. Panic attacks that last 12 hours a day, treatment resistant depression, etc... My great grandmother, grandmother, and mother all committed suicide and all were successful the first time. I plan on doing it right the first time as well as soon as I can get some SN. Unfortunately the site I was going to order it from shut down.

 

[snwcolt]

Yes, I'm truly suicidal. Panic attacks that last 12 hours a day, treatment resistant depression, etc... My great grandmother, grandmother, and mother all committed suicide and all were successful the first time. I plan on doing it right the first time as well as soon as I can get some SN. Unfortunately the site I was going to order it from shut down.

I've had panic attacks that last 12-36 hours... absolute fucking torture

 

[Natty*]

I've had panic attacks that last 12-36 hours... absolute fucking torture

Yep, it truly is. Sorry you had to experience that.

 

[snwcolt]

Yep, it truly is. Sorry you had to experience that.

Same here bro but drugs and alcohol help in the short term anyway.... other stuff too but don't wanna offend the more innocent minded people here so you know....

 

[deathisapanacea]

100% Suicidal. Post divorce depression. Wife got the sole custody and guardianship of both the kids. Am really ashamed to be alive. Will pay good money for anyone who helps me in CTB.

 

[grungy自殺]

Yes. There are some things that I want to experience before I die that I'd like to get out of the way, but I will commit suicide someday. Aiming for on or before my 24th birthday.

That's crazy though, cause i'm also plan on doing it by the age of 24.

Not exactly in the same time frame of say the 24th birthday

But rather for me it's in the 24 age period after it

My ctb would happen weeks before my 25th birthday as i don't plan or want to reach that age lol

 

[Namelesa]

I don't want to live at all for myself as I see continuing life as risky as things can continue to be bad or even get worse. A good life could even become suddenly bad and be hard to recover from. I am tired of having to put effort in to continue this suffering to see if things get better and be anxious about these getting worse somehow. I just don't want to suffer and in death I will forever not suffer when with life I will at least to some degree. I don't see any point in continuing this life or having a different one when in death I am not disadvantaged as I can't desire in non-existence. Only reason I find to live is for others that are still alive as to lessen the suffering of this world and provide to others, never to live for myself.