I'm horrible. I try to atone for it every second of the day - I work as hard as I can to be good, to do good, to appear good at least. I care a lot about the principles that bring me to do such work, but I do believe that the cause I fight for would benefit from me disappearing. 'Cause I've hurt people, 'cause my presence is burdensome, 'cause I've done horrible things. I care about the fight, I do. There's better people who should lead the charge though. It's awful to feel this pressured into doing this work while deep down I know I should just let everything go.
That's why I'm gonna CTB soon. I can't imagine surviving this christmas after all that this life has brought on me. It brings me a lot of peace to think that I'm finally doing what's right for everybody in my life: I'm gonna stop bothering them for good. I love them all so much. I wanna stop bringing them pain. I wanna stop hurting them.