Are You 100% Suicidal?

[kilowatt]

I don't know. I feel like that's a strong statement to make. Tho I'm 100% hopeless. My set date is in 2 weeks.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Absolutely 100%. I've run the numbers over and over. I'm fucked on too many levels, including physical, mental, and financial problems. I'm tired and just don't want to be here anymore. Isn't that enough?

It sure is enough. I'm in an almost identical situation.

I yoyo from 60% to 99%. I am trying to cling on for my children - but I have to admit that some days (like right now when I am probably about 80%), I cannot see myself clinging on for too long. Unfortunately I don't have a support structure to turn to (I had a good GP who kept an eye on me, but it didn't work out) and will be surprised if I am here by end of the year. Unfortunately when I do go, it will probably be unplanned - usually when I am at 99%, I always find myself at the top of a cliff/mountain, taking an overdose - but at this point, I would reach out to the GP and as that is no longer there, next time I will be gone. But will try and hang on for as long as possible.

Do you have chronic physical pain or terminal illness?

I yoyo from 60% to 99%. I am trying to cling on for my children - but I have to admit that some days (like right now when I am probably about 80%), I cannot see myself clinging on for too long. Unfortunately I don't have a support structure to turn to (I had a good GP who kept an eye on me, but it didn't work out) and will be surprised if I am here by end of the year. Unfortunately when I do go, it will probably be unplanned - usually when I am at 99%, I always find myself at the top of a cliff/mountain, taking an overdose - but at this point, I would reach out to the GP and as that is no longer there, next time I will be gone. But will try and hang on for as long as possible.

Do you have chronic physical pain or terminal illness?

Something between 43.78% to 99.49%.
It depends on the day, and hour of the day. This wide range drives me crazy.
I can't get motivation to live and fix problems since I want to die, but I can't die since I'm less suicidal at times when I have enough energy to do it.
Aaaaaaahh!

Agreed, it's pure torture. Yoyo all day long. If it could just be 100% all the time, it would make it so much easier.

99%. MatrixPrisoner I don't know your age, but I am 53. I also feel too old to even attempt to turn things around. If life hasn't turned out OK for me by now, it sure as shit isn't going to magically get better from here. I will most likely jump to my death within two months.

I'm 44. I still felt like I had a chance to somewhat control my destiny all the way up to 40. I just feel bblessed that I never had children with my ex-wife.

 

[D1byRam3n]

53% because I haven't tried anything new yet to enjoying my moment to living before trying to take my death

 

[bigfishlittlefish]

If not, what percentage would you say your likelihood is? If you are, do you recall when you became 100%? Please try to make a true and honest assessment before answering.

Yes. The only reason I'm still here is that I want everything squared away before I go but don't have the energy to do a will etc right now.

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

It's strange, I have everything prepared, but I haven't been able to go ahead yet. Instead I started wanting to try all the drugs I ever wanted, do the things I want. I believe I will go to CTB in the new year. soo, i would say 90%

100%, actively practicing for it. I practice for it now more than I talk about it, which means I'm definitely on my way out the door.

whats is your method?

 

[stxrdustprincex]

If not, what percentage would you say your likelihood is? If you are, do you recall when you became 100%? Please try to make a true and honest assessment before answering.

i'd say i'm at about an 85%. everything hurts right now but there's still a part of me that doesn't want to upset the people i love like this. but i know i'm going to do it eventually

 

[Proxycake]

95%, 99% on Sundays probably

 

[mia_qwerty]

I'm 100% and 0% at the same time. I know I have no choice and have to do it. Because everything is fucked up. But I'm going kicking and screaming. I don't actually want to die but I can't do life either. So I'm going to do it. But I'm devastated to be having a lover of life until a few years ago when everything went to shit.

 

[D1byRam3n]

Probably because human instinct to survive to life even if that's means being end up become painful later...

I'm 100% and 0% at the same time. I know I have no choice and have to do it. Because everything is fucked up. But I'm going kicking and screaming. I don't actually want to die but I can't do life either. So I'm going to do it. But I'm devastated to be having a lover of life until a few years ago when everything went to shit.

 

[Mistiie]

Definitely. Before, when I was younger, I wouldn't have felt suicidal, but I would've accepted death there and then at any moment, sort of like a "Yeah, sure, OK" sort of thing. I guess that was passive suicidality. If that's the case, I felt like that since I was maybe 8 or 9.

Active suicidality has set in for about a year or two now, and it's rooted deep. Not even medication or therapy can remove it because it's not instilled in some chemical imbalance in my brain, nor is it a result of deep trauma or whatever. It's based on my personal beliefs and the reasons I have for doing it make absolute logical sense to me. It's a rational decision and one that means that I'll take the plunge whenever possible.

My family nor any therapists have been able to pick up on the reasoning behind it, and I couldn't either until very, very recently. I just sort of figured out that I wanted to commit suicide because it was the right thing to do in my given scenario. There wasn't any abnormal feelings or any 'trigger', it was quite literally just a personal, set belief that I had that meant I needed/need to do it. I'm decently sure that that means that I will pretty much permanently be suicidal for as long as I live, no matter how long that is, because it's not some disorder I have. It's a human belief, born out of reason, making it untouchable unless I lie to myself.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It's strange, I have everything prepared, but I haven't been able to go ahead yet. Instead I started wanting to try all the drugs I ever wanted, do the things I want. I believe I will go to CTB in the new year. soo, i would say 90%

whats is your method?

Might as well go out in style and hae some fun. Maybe it could all culminate with a fentanyl OD if you can find some. If I could get my hands on a lethal dose, I would go out that way,

Definitely. Before, when I was younger, I wouldn't have felt suicidal, but I would've accepted death there and then at any moment, sort of like a "Yeah, sure, OK" sort of thing. I guess that was passive suicidality. If that's the case, I felt like that since I was maybe 8 or 9.

Active suicidality has set in for about a year or two now, and it's rooted deep. Not even medication or therapy can remove it because it's not instilled in some chemical imbalance in my brain, nor is it a result of deep trauma or whatever. It's based on my personal beliefs and the reasons I have for doing it make absolute logical sense to me. It's a rational decision and one that means that I'll take the plunge whenever possible.

My family nor any therapists have been able to pick up on the reasoning behind it, and I couldn't either until very, very recently. I just sort of figured out that I wanted to commit suicide because it was the right thing to do in my given scenario. There wasn't any abnormal feelings or any 'trigger', it was quite literally just a personal, set belief that I had that meant I needed/need to do it. I'm decently sure that that means that I will pretty much permanently be suicidal for as long as I live, no matter how long that is, because it's not some disorder I have. It's a human belief, born out of reason, making it untouchable unless I lie to myself.

Is it based in religion?

I'm 100% and 0% at the same time. I know I have no choice and have to do it. Because everything is fucked up. But I'm going kicking and screaming. I don't actually want to die but I can't do life either. So I'm going to do it. But I'm devastated to be having a lover of life until a few years ago when everything went to shit.

Same with me. My life was decent until 2018, then my divorce set off an avalanche of pain.

 

[Teleftaía Anapnoí]

Might as well go out in style and hae some fun. Maybe it could all culminate with a fentanyl OD if you can find some. If I could get my hands on a lethal dose, I would go out that way,

Ive been searching for, but in brazil we dont have easy acess to opioids. I am using kratom these days, its good and can bring somre relieve.

 

[Bad-luck]

I feel as if I am around 50 to 60 percent suicidal. However, I feel as if it is rising everyday.

 

[WeDontKnowTheFuture]

Definitely. Before, when I was younger, I wouldn't have felt suicidal, but I would've accepted death there and then at any moment, sort of like a "Yeah, sure, OK" sort of thing. I guess that was passive suicidality. If that's the case, I felt like that since I was maybe 8 or 9.

Active suicidality has set in for about a year or two now, and it's rooted deep. Not even medication or therapy can remove it because it's not instilled in some chemical imbalance in my brain, nor is it a result of deep trauma or whatever. It's based on my personal beliefs and the reasons I have for doing it make absolute logical sense to me. It's a rational decision and one that means that I'll take the plunge whenever possible.

My family nor any therapists have been able to pick up on the reasoning behind it, and I couldn't either until very, very recently. I just sort of figured out that I wanted to commit suicide because it was the right thing to do in my given scenario. There wasn't any abnormal feelings or any 'trigger', it was quite literally just a personal, set belief that I had that meant I needed/need to do it. I'm decently sure that that means that I will pretty much permanently be suicidal for as long as I live, no matter how long that is, because it's not some disorder I have. It's a human belief, born out of reason, making it untouchable unless I lie to myself.

Can you explain it ? How your personal set of beliefs make you suicidal in a logical point ?
Is it because you're familiar with nihilism or Schopenhauer's work ?

 

[Anónimo]

Like 50% which is a big problem

 

[Mistiie]

Can you explain it ? How your personal set of beliefs make you suicidal in a logical point ?
Is it because you're familiar with nihilism or Schopenhauer's work ?

It's less an ideology, more a belief about myself.

Whatever I have that's wrong with me, it has made me into (and I may possibly always have been) a defective person. A defective person cannot experience life in the same way a normal person would. Far less joy and a whole lot more sadness. Therefore, if you are defective, it inherently makes sense that you should CTB, as a neutral, potentially even comforting finish is better than a lifetime of torment and pain. That's the extent of my beliefs.

 

[Lost Magic]

I would say it depends on each day. Sometimes 100% and sometimes about 75 to 80%.

 

[irregularreconcile]

If not, what percentage would you say your likelihood is? If you are, do you recall when you became 100%? Please try to make a true and honest assessment before answering.

Honestly, I really like this question. For me personally, I believe I'm close to 100%. I was able to note a "shift" in my health issues/realization that took my unsureness and 50%ish past of suicidal ideation to around 80-90%. It's sad it has to be this way, but ever since I decided my CTB date and being more comfortable with death, I find more peace the more sure I am.

 

[passivethought121]

80%. That 20% is a combination of responsibility, fear, and laziness. I do really wish I was dead, but I dont act like it.

 

[hanz]

I'd say 70%. I have moments of hope so I haven't made any concrete plans yet, and I'm still researching methods.

 

[Undertow Mermaid]

Maybe "one best friend" should become boyfriend and "boyfriend" should get kicked to the curb

My best friend has been such since I was 12 and he was 11 (so like a brother). He's also not into women, so I wouldn't feel comfortable coming onto him, that's just kinda creepy. My boyfriend has been in my life for 10 years now so it's more like I'm trapped in the cycle with him. I have other men interested in me but to be frank I don't have much desire to restart with new people, it's exhausting due to my mental illness.

Boys sure do love crazy girls though. Most other people who come onto me turn me into a fetish since I am goth and I have big tits. Plus the abused by daddy past = "You must be amazing in the sack!" When in reality my sex drive is lower than the temperatures at the North Pole. My current guy doesn't hit me or anything like past men in my life, he just gets angry whenever my BPD acts up, so I can't blame him. It's a toxic gas of a relationship but as I said, the cycle is one we've locked into with one another. A never ending waltz of misery.

I'm pretty much a fucked up adult living selfishly like many people do. My boyfriend is also a mess of a person, dealing with depression. So we naturally lash out at one another. Still he shows up when I need him, and I'm greatful to have loved and been loved. Even if that love was two broken people looking to fill a hole.

 

[Rhizomorph1]

If not, what percentage would you say your likelihood is? If you are, do you recall when you became 100%? Please try to make a true and honest assessment before answering.

Probably about 50%

Once my SN arrives that number might drop closer to 30% once I can stop constantly worrying about my SN arriving...

I really just want an accessible out in case things keep going downhill. It's bearable for now but it might not be sustainable long term.

 

[skaro]

99%, really my only chance is a war breaking out and living under martial law, I thought about it long and hard and I would really only be able to function under apocalyptic circumstances, and even then probably not for too long. Tbh I'm fundamentally screwed in a way I'm certain almost nobody else is, I even think that if a really wise and logical person got to know me 10 years ago they would've said "yep, he's gonna ctb for sure", the way my mind works is the stuff of nightmares lol

 

[sad_rock]

100%. i want to escape from my failing mind and body. death will prevent me from going downhill further.

 

[WonderingSoul]

The past 3 years ive been 90% suicidal

 

[hi-okbye]

yes. i was varying percentages through my depressive years, but since my partner died, i remember the moment truly deciding i was ready to die. nothing has changed my mind since then. sometimes i get small glimmers of hope that maybe i can live on, but as i extend the plan it quickly fails and finds it's faults.

 

[Heartaches]

70% I'd say, it was the past couple of days. I hate how volatile my emotions are when it comes to suicide because I can never just lose hope and do it, there's always something holding me back. I hate flip-flopping and saying I'll do it but never do; I feel fake. I wanna hurt myself badly and/or end my suffering once and for all, I don't know why my brain wants to prolongue my stay here when I know I'll have it very rough for the rest of my life.​

 

[abl2023]

I'd say I'm about 50%. Ctb is always on my mind now. I should be at 100% soon. Just browsing through methods that might work for me. Then I'll do research and I'll go peacefully.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Probably about 50%

Once my SN arrives that number might drop closer to 30% once I can stop constantly worrying about my SN arriving...

I really just want an accessible out in case things keep going downhill. It's bearable for now but it might not be sustainable long term.

Pressing on with nothing to lose, but having an emergency kill switch just in case. I like your strategy.

yes. i was varying percentages through my depressive years, but since my partner died, i remember the moment truly deciding i was ready to die. nothing has changed my mind since then. sometimes i get small glimmers of hope that maybe i can live on, but as i extend the plan it quickly fails and finds it's faults.

I am so sorry. At 44 years old and 8 people in my family, I have surprisiungly yet to experience the death of a family member. So I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. Even though my father is 83 years old, I might be the first to pass.

Honestly, I really like this question. For me personally, I believe I'm close to 100%. I was able to note a "shift" in my health issues/realization that took my unsureness and 50%ish past of suicidal ideation to around 80-90%. It's sad it has to be this way, but ever since I decided my CTB date and being more comfortable with death, I find more peace the more sure I am.

Those like you with chonic pain deserve the most sympathy from the pro-lifer/anti-suicidals and society in general. Constant physical agony is torture and more should be done to make it easier for people that want out.

99%, really my only chance is a war breaking out and living under martial law, I thought about it long and hard and I would really only be able to function under apocalyptic circumstances, and even then probably not for too long. Tbh I'm fundamentally screwed in a way I'm certain almost nobody else is, I even think that if a really wise and logical person got to know me 10 years ago they would've said "yep, he's gonna ctb for sure", the way my mind works is the stuff of nightmares lol

I fantasize about the same thing. About China and Russia teaming up to nuke this sorry assed country. I would love to be at ground zero of a hydrogen bomb detonation. Instant vaporization. Preferably while I'm asleep.

 

[Meditation guide]

90%. If I had the perfect setup it would be 100%.