Help Are there any other recovery focused peer support suicide forums like this one?

[Maormer]

I'm really trying to get better, I really am but it's so isolating. I spent the last decade of my life as a suicidal wreck moving from one attempt to the next and I really want to fix that. Going to this site has helped me but it also can very easily make me worse if I stray from the recovery posts of if I look back at my old posts.
If there was a better alternative I'd be using it but I've yet to find one. Most sites tend to be for those in immediate crisis but I can never find any for those of us who have been in this place for a long time and want to get out. I just want to fix this and I fear this site isn't the best place for me to be trying to do that

 

[NZkiwi]

I'm really trying to get better, I really am but it's so isolating. I spent the last decade of my life as a suicidal wreck moving from one attempt to the next and I really want to fix that. Going to this site has helped me but it also can very easily make me worse if I stray from the recovery posts of if I look back at my old posts.
If there was a better alternative I'd be using it but I've yet to find one. Most sites tend to be for those in immediate crisis but I can never find any for those of us who have been in this place for a long time and want to get out. I just want to fix this and I fear this site isn't the best place for me to be trying to do that

If you do find another site, consider posting what you found

I can imagine this site isnt always healthy for those recovering, I was explaining the website to my friends and they found it personally disturbing, but they were happy with me engaging with the recovery side of this website as its somewhere I can be honest

Where along the recovery journey are you?

 

[Maormer]

Where along the recovery journey are you?

Im not sure how to map it. Near the beginning I guess. Idk, I spent the last decade suicidal, I had my last attempt about a year ago, and in January I had some really important experiences that lead to me deciding that I would never attempt again. And to be honest that decision has ruined me.
I don't know how to function without suicide looming over me and I'm falling apart. I can't remember what it was like before I was this way. My memory honestly barely goes back 5 years, let alone 10. For all of my life that I can pull from memory I was either recovering from an attempt or planning my next. I cant get it out of my head. I get flashbacks to those nights where I attempted and they're so vivid I feel like I'm there again. I don't know how to cope with that. I hate that I keep reliving it.
Spending that long planning on dying is (unsurprisingly) really bad for you. I'm 25 and have wasted the past 10 years. I don't know what I'm doing, I only ever learned how to die not how to live. Im so behind my peers because I never wanted to live this long. I'm terrified constantly and I don't even really want to live but I'm going to force myself to.
That's not to say I haven't made progress. As bad as I probably sound I'm the least suicidal I've been in all the years I can remember (I even have the data in my journal to prove it lol).
I'm the most unstable Ive ever been I think is the most accurate way to say it. I'm struggling more in some ways but in regards to suicide I've made rapid progress. I'm a tad afraid that rapidity is part of why I'm so unwell. Suicide was a core component of my daily life and sense of self and now it's been greatly diminished. I think it makes sense for this to leave me lacking grounding

 

[NZkiwi]

Near the beginning I

It's always an ongoing journey

Im so behind my peers because I never wanted to live this long.

I relate to this lol, I'm 27

(I even have the data in my journal to prove it lol).

You use dailio?

Suicide was a core component of my daily life

It can almost become a identity. I remeber when I was first in crisis like 10 years ago also, and the notes from the doctors said I was attaching myself to the label of my illness too much


If you feel comfortable sharing, are you taking medication? Are you engaging with professional mental health care in your country?

 

[Maormer]

You use dailio?

I keep my data on paper in my journals. Mostly in charts and graphs but sometimes I'd calculate means and standard deviations and correlation coefficients too. I attached a really old page from my 2018 journal (high school me did not journal very cleanly lol)

It can almost become a identity. I remeber when I was first in crisis like 10 years ago also, and the notes from the doctors said I was attaching myself to the label of my illness too much

This is part of my problem. Suicide was totalizing in some ways. It colored everything I saw and did. Every breath I took was done so with the knowledge that soon, very soon, I would do that for the last time. I refused to plan for my future (choosing instead on planning my death) for so long that the muscle has atrophied to such an extent I cannot imagine a future beyond the next day. I spent so much time talking myself into suicide that it's now just my default internal monologue. There is no part of my life that isn't drenched in it. It's part of why I'm moving. Everything in this house reeks of suicide and I can't take the reminders

are you taking medication? Are you engaging with professional mental health care

I'm on mirtazapine for depression, appetite, and sleep. I used to be in therapy but I never had any good experiences with any of my therapist so I kinda gave up

 

[NZkiwi]

I keep my data on paper in my journals. Mostly in charts and graphs but sometimes I'd calculate means and standard deviations and correlation coefficients too. I attached a really old page from my 2018 journal (high school me did not journal very cleanly lol)

that's low key pretty cool

Everything in this house reeks of suicide and I can't take the reminders

hmm I wonder if changing your circumstances might help with changing your mindset
I moved countries for a bit and it really helped heal some of the old wounds I had causing day to day suffering

Is changing your circumstances/enviornment something you could meaningfully do? Get a fresh new start?

'm on mirtazapine for depression, appetite, and sleep.

I'm on lithium for mood, and quetiapine for sleep, works for me. Was on several meds before I found the right combo

Would it be worth speaking with your doctor if another medication combo may be more suitable?
Might need to find the right combo of magic pills, bit of whack a mole

good experiences with any of my therapist so I kinda gave up

I'm sorry to hear that
Can take time finding the right therapist

Are you open to trying again, or is that door currently closed?