SpencerSees
I want to swim until my arms give out 🍀
- Feb 22, 2023
- 128
It's probably the weather, but I dunno how many "Just make it to March" I have left in me. I don't care for most things in life at this point. I lay in bed and try to force myself to sleep and dream just to feel something, even if they are mostly nightmares.
I can't keep up with friends, I don't really have anything meaningful to say. I try to be there for them, but I can't be assed to comfort them fully. Not like I used to anyways.
My parents, my family sees me as something to pity on better days and a burden on others. I'm tired of wasting my parents' money on medicine and therapy that clearly isn't working. They all wonder why I don't talk to them, but I can't make up actual conversations anymore, not when before I tried to share anything that interested me, it was swiftly ignored.
The only thing I look forward to is getting my hands on a rope or some cornhole sacks. Whichever I have the energy to do first will be my method. If I keep living I'll just keep on making my family pay for my issues, my friends suffer because of me being like this.
It's not even a sadness really, more of a nothingburger and some excitement for it to end. The most emotion I've felt recently was from instagram. I keep getting comics made by artists who lost someone to suicide. They are always portrayed so softly, like yeah they were ill but not they're gone forever. I guess I just realized I'll never have anything like this made of me. It's my own fault, I never could handle being friends with an artist who was significantly better than me. But going past silly Instagram posts, I don't think I'll be remembered in any way other than memories. I haven't created nothing of value as an artist or even as a human being for that matter. It's really pathetic how much this makes my chest ache. But I don't even know what I'd be remembered for. Even as a kid I was pretty annoying, religious to a fault and entitled, despite being idiotic and naive. I can barely listen to my own voice nowadays, and looking in the mirror I want to skin my face. I'm not particularly ugly, but I'm nothing special at one more thing (It's getting hard to count).
Anyone else feeling like this on a Sunday?
I can't keep up with friends, I don't really have anything meaningful to say. I try to be there for them, but I can't be assed to comfort them fully. Not like I used to anyways.
My parents, my family sees me as something to pity on better days and a burden on others. I'm tired of wasting my parents' money on medicine and therapy that clearly isn't working. They all wonder why I don't talk to them, but I can't make up actual conversations anymore, not when before I tried to share anything that interested me, it was swiftly ignored.
The only thing I look forward to is getting my hands on a rope or some cornhole sacks. Whichever I have the energy to do first will be my method. If I keep living I'll just keep on making my family pay for my issues, my friends suffer because of me being like this.
It's not even a sadness really, more of a nothingburger and some excitement for it to end. The most emotion I've felt recently was from instagram. I keep getting comics made by artists who lost someone to suicide. They are always portrayed so softly, like yeah they were ill but not they're gone forever. I guess I just realized I'll never have anything like this made of me. It's my own fault, I never could handle being friends with an artist who was significantly better than me. But going past silly Instagram posts, I don't think I'll be remembered in any way other than memories. I haven't created nothing of value as an artist or even as a human being for that matter. It's really pathetic how much this makes my chest ache. But I don't even know what I'd be remembered for. Even as a kid I was pretty annoying, religious to a fault and entitled, despite being idiotic and naive. I can barely listen to my own voice nowadays, and looking in the mirror I want to skin my face. I'm not particularly ugly, but I'm nothing special at one more thing (It's getting hard to count).
Anyone else feeling like this on a Sunday?
