Venting apathetic and only looking forward to my moment

[SpencerSees]

It's probably the weather, but I dunno how many "Just make it to March" I have left in me. I don't care for most things in life at this point. I lay in bed and try to force myself to sleep and dream just to feel something, even if they are mostly nightmares.
I can't keep up with friends, I don't really have anything meaningful to say. I try to be there for them, but I can't be assed to comfort them fully. Not like I used to anyways.
My parents, my family sees me as something to pity on better days and a burden on others. I'm tired of wasting my parents' money on medicine and therapy that clearly isn't working. They all wonder why I don't talk to them, but I can't make up actual conversations anymore, not when before I tried to share anything that interested me, it was swiftly ignored.
The only thing I look forward to is getting my hands on a rope or some cornhole sacks. Whichever I have the energy to do first will be my method. If I keep living I'll just keep on making my family pay for my issues, my friends suffer because of me being like this.
It's not even a sadness really, more of a nothingburger and some excitement for it to end. The most emotion I've felt recently was from instagram. I keep getting comics made by artists who lost someone to suicide. They are always portrayed so softly, like yeah they were ill but not they're gone forever. I guess I just realized I'll never have anything like this made of me. It's my own fault, I never could handle being friends with an artist who was significantly better than me. But going past silly Instagram posts, I don't think I'll be remembered in any way other than memories. I haven't created nothing of value as an artist or even as a human being for that matter. It's really pathetic how much this makes my chest ache. But I don't even know what I'd be remembered for. Even as a kid I was pretty annoying, religious to a fault and entitled, despite being idiotic and naive. I can barely listen to my own voice nowadays, and looking in the mirror I want to skin my face. I'm not particularly ugly, but I'm nothing special at one more thing (It's getting hard to count).


Anyone else feeling like this on a Sunday?

 

[Pale_Rider]

Nothing Burger . nicely articulated . that's what I feel a lot of the time also. it moves in waves though. nothing burger is the usual apex.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely relate to wondering how long I can hold on for. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first so- it's an unknown amount of time for me. Sometimes I panic though. What if it ends up being years? I guess I just have to tackle one day at a time.

I've drifted away from friends too. Sort of consciously. Sometimes from choice- the exhaustion of having to mask so as not to worry them.

I sort of get what you mean- wanting to have made an impression. To be missed. But then, I suppose it depends on whether you believe awareness extends beyond death. Do those deceased people know their friends made comics about them? Did they feel their appreciation when they were alive even?

A cynical take but sometimes, people seem to do more for others after they are dead! Maybe out of trying to allay their guilt. Maybe to process their own loss. I'm sure they were/ are very fond of the person but, what does it do for them now?

 

[SpencerSees]

I definitely relate to wondering how long I can hold on for. I'm waiting for my Dad to go first so- it's an unknown amount of time for me. Sometimes I panic though. What if it ends up being years? I guess I just have to tackle one day at a time.

I've drifted away from friends too. Sort of consciously. Sometimes from choice- the exhaustion of having to mask so as not to worry them.

I sort of get what you mean- wanting to have made an impression. To be missed. But then, I suppose it depends on whether you believe awareness extends beyond death. Do those deceased people know their friends made comics about them? Did they feel their appreciation when they were alive even?

A cynical take but sometimes, people seem to do more for others after they are dead! Maybe out of trying to allay their guilt. Maybe to process their own loss. I'm sure they were/ are very fond of the person but, what does it do for them now?

Yeah honestly, I doubt I'd care much if I was actually dead. It's just something to think about to make myself feel worse.
It is very exhausting to pretend everything is fine, as unfortunately most people get very upset once the usual "it's gonna be okay" crap gets old for you. I'm sure they mean well, but if you're sitting in a jar sunce the day you were born, you kunda stop aiming higher. Reminds me if that experiment with the fleas.

Nothing Burger . nicely articulated . that's what I feel a lot of the time also. it moves in waves though. nothing burger is the usual apex.

Yuuup there are better days and worse once but the usual concensus is well whatever man