Yes. I wish I had done so in fourth grade instead of letting the fears, anxiety, anger, and despair compound and turn the dreaded possibility of becoming a useless person into a reality. Having Peter Pan Syndrome and my not so nice worldview cloud my sight so early on just killed off any potential in me to change or believe that I could change.
I knew I had to go and yet I let each year pass by me hoping that an older me would finally have the means/courage to CTB.
I never prepared myself for the future since I lived like I was already going to die. Instead I tried so hard to pretend that I was doing my best at every superficial milestone or aspect of my life with certain expectations, and I have nothing to show for it because all my effort and mental energy went into faking it until I just couldn't.
And I'm still here, way past every deadline I set for myself. Just a mutant child stuck in an adult body who felt like they never had the chance to grow up. My future was my nightmare and my nightmare is now my reality.
