I used to be a drug addict and an alcoholic. I've done some super shitty things. I've embarrassed my family, friends, coworkers, anyone who has ever associated with me. Someone recorded a video of me while I was out of my mind on substances and posted it to the internet. I feel better that I'm sober but I still can't erase my past. Especially since it's on the internet. I even tried moving states but once your face is out there, it's out there. I've thought of trying to go to school for IT but no business would hire me if they found out, no business wants to associate themselves with that bullshit. I've been researching a new hobby lately and have been really excited about starting it. I watched a Youtube video of a lot people meeting up on their bikes and hanging out with each other. I thought of how fun it will be to get into and how maybe I'll meet people as well. Then I remembered everything from my past and how it would never actually work. I've ostracized myself and destroyed my reputation. It doesn't matter how much I've put in to change, no one will ever see me for who I am now. My mom and dad talk to me but that's about it. Friends, family they all started deleting me from social media and I just ended up deleting all the accounts I had. I'm not looking for sympathy, I don't deserve nor want it. I guess I'm just venting. Literally the only option left is to hang myself yet I keep putting it off. For what?
i really resonate with the second half of this, about isolating yourself, deleting your social media, destroying your reputation, etc. i did the same thing. i feel like i want to engage with the rest of the world, but i feel too guilty to. my world is still only getting smaller, apart from the partial hospitalization program i'm in.
i don't really consider "mistake" as light as being an accident, more a choice, but it is my biggest regret, and the primary reason i want to ctb. i believe i raped an ex partner via coercion. we both had a lot of sexual trauma from past peer abuse/cocsa before getting together, and i think that because of the way that i talked about mine, i made him feel guilty and obligated to have sex with me. the couple of therapists i've seen about it said that they didn't think the actions i described qualified as rape, but it's been two years and i still feel just as firm in my belief that i raped him.
i feel like overall, i've lived a disgusting life full of abuse in all directions. my highest value since i was a child has always been to avoid making anyone else feel the way those who have abused me made me feel, and i feel like raping someone is probably the biggest violation of that value i can think of. i don't feel like there's any coming back from that. i know it's selfish, but i can't live with the guilt, or the shame of knowing that i essentially became the same kind of person who assaulted me. when i think about how i raped someone else, i feel like i deserved to be assaulted too, since i was just going to rape someone anyway. i know feeling that way still won't undo what i did, though- that it's just a way of feeling like i'm trying to pay for my actions without having to examine my own flaws too closely.
i hope sharing what i did might make you feel a bit less bad about what you did, or at least like you're not alone. if not, that's fine too. also, if it's any consolation, my mother was a multi-substance addict for almost a decade of my childhood. i still have always felt a lot of empathy for her, and i still want to see her continue to change in positive ways. it took her getting sober and apologizing to me for me to really forgive her, but even still, i forgive her. even despite the fact that i can't live with the guilt of my own actions, and despite the fact that i want to ctb because of this, i still have a belief deep down that everyone deserves a chance to change and grow.
