Idk why but the thought of my parents grieving horrifies me. Idk how much longer I can stay here for them. They love me so much.
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Same situation. But I don't know if I can stay for possibly 20+ years to wait for them to pass first. I don't know what's going to happen.
LastFlowers
the haru that can read
- Apr 27, 2019
- 2,170
No. I absolutely loathe my "family", and with good reason. They don't genuinely love me at all and are incapable of comprehending the type of torment I go through. (They don't even try.)
No attempts to lessen my misery and otherness, their only concern is themselves and those who are not me.
I'm not even a presence to them.
Although part of the reason I am still here is because of them.. I'm trying to plan around the very real possibility (probability) that they will turn my death into something even more humiliating..or twist the narrative to their own favor.
I have to reduce or eliminate the tools and remnants of my existence that could make that easier for them. And it is proving to be utterly exhausting and tedious..maybe even impossible to accomplish.
I wish I could just go now and leave everything as it is, like so many other people seem to be able to do.
If my problems weren't of a particular sort, in an extended family of people who possess the exact opposite of what I do…then I could have gone a long time ago.
No attempts to lessen my misery and otherness, their only concern is themselves and those who are not me.
I'm not even a presence to them.
Although part of the reason I am still here is because of them.. I'm trying to plan around the very real possibility (probability) that they will turn my death into something even more humiliating..or twist the narrative to their own favor.
I have to reduce or eliminate the tools and remnants of my existence that could make that easier for them. And it is proving to be utterly exhausting and tedious..maybe even impossible to accomplish.
I wish I could just go now and leave everything as it is, like so many other people seem to be able to do.
If my problems weren't of a particular sort, in an extended family of people who possess the exact opposite of what I do…then I could have gone a long time ago.
_Kaira_
This Isn't Fine
- Oct 2, 2020
- 825
No. My family are a good part (not all) of the reason why I am the way I am today. They never cared when I tried talking to them about my issues, and obvious problems adapting to life. They were some of the least helpful people, and always gaslighting me into thinking I was just attention seeking and needed to toughen up. It was really so much more complex than the downplaying they would do. I don't even live around or near them anymore, and got as far away as I possibly could because of how toxic, mentally and emotionally abusive they were. Sometimes I want to die just to spite them.
As far as anyone else? They'd be better off without me around. I am a self-destructive and angry person, but I do regret all the harm and disturbance I have caused.
As far as anyone else? They'd be better off without me around. I am a self-destructive and angry person, but I do regret all the harm and disturbance I have caused.
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ready to go....
exhausted
- Feb 16, 2022
- 80
Yes. My dad.
My parents divorced a few years ago, and aside from his brother, my uncle, I'm the only blood family he has, other than my brother but they don't have a relationship and haven't spoken for years.
He has done so much for me, and I know that when I do ctb, it will absolutely break him, but I'm getting absolutely exhausted of living in this hell just for him.
I've already written my letter to him for when the time comes. He knows I really struggle to live in this world, so I can only hope he'll understand.
My parents divorced a few years ago, and aside from his brother, my uncle, I'm the only blood family he has, other than my brother but they don't have a relationship and haven't spoken for years.
He has done so much for me, and I know that when I do ctb, it will absolutely break him, but I'm getting absolutely exhausted of living in this hell just for him.
I've already written my letter to him for when the time comes. He knows I really struggle to live in this world, so I can only hope he'll understand.
Yes, mostly my mom, a little bit for my grandpa. Also my ex, wouldn't consider her a loved one but we broke up recently and she'd pin the blame on herself (which is partially true but I don't want anyone saddled with guilt).
If I do decide to end it all, I hope they understand and forgive me, and can hopefully move on, no matter how hard that may be. I've already got a will written out via free resources online, don't know how binding they'd be and I'd have to print it out and sign it but I've essentially left my mom everything I own. I had my ex in my will when she wasn't an ex, and I was giving her my car but now that's going to my mom too.
I care about too many people to leave right now, but I don't know how long that will keep me here.
If I do decide to end it all, I hope they understand and forgive me, and can hopefully move on, no matter how hard that may be. I've already got a will written out via free resources online, don't know how binding they'd be and I'd have to print it out and sign it but I've essentially left my mom everything I own. I had my ex in my will when she wasn't an ex, and I was giving her my car but now that's going to my mom too.
I care about too many people to leave right now, but I don't know how long that will keep me here.
My wife and adult kids cut off all contact with me in October. I still manage to keep track of them and send them money to help out. I email them at least two or three times a week. I don't know if the emails are getting through or if they are blocking me. My big concern is that they will struggle and I won't be there to help, but I'm almost at the end of my rope. I can see things going on with my youngest daughter that crushes me. She's definitely struggling. My son has Asperger's but he's highly functioning. My wife has severe health issues and I'm concerned she won't get the care she needs if I'm no longer here paying the bills and insurance. It's complete torture. I don't know that it would hurt them emotionally when I CTB, but I am concerned about their day-to-day.
It's knowing that those people hate you, but you still want the best for them, even if it means pain for you.
It's knowing that those people hate you, but you still want the best for them, even if it means pain for you.
Yes. My partner was crushed by my last attempt and was recently diagnosed with cancer in December. My life insurance doesn't pay out following suicide until the policy is two years old, so I still have a few months to wait it out, and knowing that money could help pay for his medical bills is keeping me from making firm plans.
I am, certainly. My Mum would fall apart if I were no longer here. She had her flaws when I was growing up, but she's a thoroughly good woman these days and I don't want to do anything to hurt her.
ephemerality
slipping into a dream
- Jan 24, 2023
- 15
i'm conflicted in a way that i can attribute some of my struggling to the actions of my parents, but because i know that none of it has been malicious i find it hard to harbour any ill-will towards them. i know it would break them if i were to leave and i don't feel like they deserve to go through that. i'd much rather just simply stop existing than have to burden them with grief, but this is a cruel world that you can't just disconnect from.
I feel the same way. I wish there was some way of explaining my decision well enough to spare the people close to me this pain but i.am afraid that will never happen
Yeah, I'm definitely still here for my family primarily. It's paradoxical because at this point, I wouldn't have a house or the money to ctb via any acceptable methods that I'd prefer if they weren't around and supporting me. In that sense, I would almost be even more trapped if they weren't here, only in that way it would be by real world circumstances rather than mental blocks.
Still though, as I've stated on many other threads, I'm just trying to wait it out until at least one of them passes as the alternative of waiting for them both to pass would be far too long (one is older).
And yes, the guilt is horrible. My mom is the type who had kids to give her life meaning and being a mother is her whole identity. This and other factors that I won't be going into lead me to think that the rest of her days would be lived out in agony if I ctb'd while she was still around.
My dad on the other hand is a bit more well-adjusted, as far as I understand. Hopefully it isn't just an act to make me feel better because it is very likely I will be leaving at some point before his passing. Long term plans are usually subject to change but I've been wanting this for some years now and have only deteriorated so I don't plan on desperately seeking hope just to be crushed again and again.
Sorry, I think I just rambled a little bit.
Still though, as I've stated on many other threads, I'm just trying to wait it out until at least one of them passes as the alternative of waiting for them both to pass would be far too long (one is older).
And yes, the guilt is horrible. My mom is the type who had kids to give her life meaning and being a mother is her whole identity. This and other factors that I won't be going into lead me to think that the rest of her days would be lived out in agony if I ctb'd while she was still around.
My dad on the other hand is a bit more well-adjusted, as far as I understand. Hopefully it isn't just an act to make me feel better because it is very likely I will be leaving at some point before his passing. Long term plans are usually subject to change but I've been wanting this for some years now and have only deteriorated so I don't plan on desperately seeking hope just to be crushed again and again.
Sorry, I think I just rambled a little bit.
Same situation here. My mom was far from great when I was growing up but she's changed and bettered herself, and I, too, don't want to crush my mom.
I relate fully. I'd be lost without her, these days.
Sparr0w
please feed my pfp crumbs they are begging u
- Jan 24, 2023
- 300
my parents are great, i know my death would crush them. at the same time, i wouldn't live just for them. that being said, i def dont/wouldnt want a family member to find my body or otherwise be traumatised by my death... so while im still at home theyre keeping me alive that way .x.
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,431
bennydiazapine
Member
- Dec 4, 2022
- 87
Yup, waiting for until they go on holiday in February for them to return so I don't ruin they're holiday. Plan to CTB March 13th, have already booked the hotel. Have SN, AE and Benzos ready.
avoid_slow_death
Ready to embrace the peaceful bliss of the void.
- Feb 4, 2020
- 1,358
Kinda....my Dad is definitely worried about me seeing as I have no place to live after this month. Likely try and stay in the area for a couple years, save more money for one final big world hopping trip before I come back to ctb, but, he is also likely to not last much longer either. A few years, at the very best.
Funny thing is, I can say for certain he is the event that set me on a path to self destruction, yet, when my Mom passed, most of the anger and resentment died. It's what she wouldhave wanted anyways. So be it.
That said, I guess my Dad in a remote sense, but other than, well, yeah, but that's something I am keeping to myself. It's also something fragile and on a short time span. So basically, yes, but no. Only thing compelling me to even consider going fir a couple years is one big travel itinerary and then the final journey to my true home to rest eternally. But that's not even certain. Still deciding....
Funny thing is, I can say for certain he is the event that set me on a path to self destruction, yet, when my Mom passed, most of the anger and resentment died. It's what she wouldhave wanted anyways. So be it.
That said, I guess my Dad in a remote sense, but other than, well, yeah, but that's something I am keeping to myself. It's also something fragile and on a short time span. So basically, yes, but no. Only thing compelling me to even consider going fir a couple years is one big travel itinerary and then the final journey to my true home to rest eternally. But that's not even certain. Still deciding....
I was really close to CTB in the first week of January, but my best friend had explained how he was lonely and feeling down, which is really unusual for him. I wanted to CTB badly but I wanted to make sure that he was okey before I did it and look after him, but I was struggling to get a hold of him. I stayed alive that week for that.
