How do you cope with the fact that your loved ones will have to live with your death?
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It's a tug-of-war between wanting to stay alive for the sake of family, vs the anguish of depression/anxiety I have to fight every day.
I want to stay alive for family, but for how much longer can I withstand? I see it like a prison sentence. How much longer? 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
I want to stay alive for family, but for how much longer can I withstand? I see it like a prison sentence. How much longer? 5 years? 10 years? 15 years?
Exactly. Personally, for me, I always ask a question to make sure I'm choosing the best path: Is my reason to ctb more important to me than the resulting distress my family will experience at my death?
Plus I believe that once I'm dead I'll either have an entirely different state of consciousness where things on earth won't matter the same or I WON'T have a consciousness to care about anything anymore.
wait.what
no really, what?
- Aug 14, 2020
- 994
This is my exact problem. When am I allowed to quit? When will these people who "love" me let me go?
stilhavinightmares
Warlock
- Oct 13, 2022
- 753
I relate 100% to all of you. The only reason I haven't left yet is my family. But I won't care when I'm dead because I'll be dead. The guilt keeps me trapped.
I've stayed alive this long because of family. I'm can't do it anymore. Hopefully my family will forgive me.
I'm good with it. I've only got one parent and two siblings. None have EVER been supportive to me and my mental health challenges. It's "Don't ask, don't tell". So...I'm good with it.
justwanasleep
Student
- Nov 8, 2022
- 100
Not very well. If I didn't have family and pets I'd hang myself right now, well maybe not this second my rope still hasn't arrived because the fucking postmen are on strike.
I keep imagining my mum telling people I've killed myself. it's always people we know of rather than family, like why do I care that my mum will tell my hairdresser what I've done??
I massively dread there being some sort of afterlife where you are a all seeing all hearing being and have to watch everyone grieve, that would be more torture than living.
I keep imagining my mum telling people I've killed myself. it's always people we know of rather than family, like why do I care that my mum will tell my hairdresser what I've done??
I massively dread there being some sort of afterlife where you are a all seeing all hearing being and have to watch everyone grieve, that would be more torture than living.
DaatiSimi
Member
- Nov 24, 2022
- 65
I've warned them. And I am trying to make it easier for them.
It breaks my heart to break theirs.
It breaks my heart to break theirs.
I can relate 100%. I am also thinking about my best friend who is like a sister to me. I know it well break her heart and I am afraid that she won't recover from my passing.
Just like I think suicidal people see and perceive things that others won't/don't/can't - I believe we tend to feel things more deeply.
We imagine people being overcome with crippling despair, probably because that's how we'd react.
I have no way of proving it, but I think most of those left behind will grieve and move on. That's what people are programmed to do.
They might share RIP messages on their social media and blurt out what happened unexpectedly while standing in line at the grocery store.
That's how I rationalize it.
It's also worth mentioning that I've never known anyone I'd be willing to suffer existence for.
I'd sacrifice my life for a complete stranger, but I've never met anyone that makes me want to stay alive.
If I knew someone that made me want to keep living, then dying wouldn't even be an option (I don't understand how the two emotions can simultaneously exist).
We imagine people being overcome with crippling despair, probably because that's how we'd react.
I have no way of proving it, but I think most of those left behind will grieve and move on. That's what people are programmed to do.
They might share RIP messages on their social media and blurt out what happened unexpectedly while standing in line at the grocery store.
That's how I rationalize it.
It's also worth mentioning that I've never known anyone I'd be willing to suffer existence for.
I'd sacrifice my life for a complete stranger, but I've never met anyone that makes me want to stay alive.
If I knew someone that made me want to keep living, then dying wouldn't even be an option (I don't understand how the two emotions can simultaneously exist).
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My only hold-up is that I'm the financial support. My wife is disabled but her payout is pretty small. My son works full time, but only makes @ $5 more than minimum wage. My daughter is working part time and going to school. I'm afraid of what will happen to them when they lose my financial support. I don't think they will care that I'm gone otherwise.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 43,938
In my case, I could never exist only for the sake of others, if I had a reliable and desirable method all planned out I would leave as soon as I can with no guilt towards leaving others behind. The way that I see it, I never asked for any of this and the reality is that grief and loss are an inevitable consequence of choosing to bring life here. If I wasn't to ctb then eventually no matter what I will die from something else.
There is simply no escape from losing people and death will happen someday no matter what. I do believe that nobody should feel guilt tripped and forced into staying here only for the sake of others as after all continuing to exist is only delaying our fate to cease to exist, and it's a personal decision when to leave and others should have no say in this, they are not living our lives. I personally see no value to prolonging suffering just to inevitably deteriorate and die.
And also whatever happens in this world after we are gone could never be our concern as we simply won't be there at that point, so if you think about it that way, it's irrational to care about how others would react to our death.
There is simply no escape from losing people and death will happen someday no matter what. I do believe that nobody should feel guilt tripped and forced into staying here only for the sake of others as after all continuing to exist is only delaying our fate to cease to exist, and it's a personal decision when to leave and others should have no say in this, they are not living our lives. I personally see no value to prolonging suffering just to inevitably deteriorate and die.
And also whatever happens in this world after we are gone could never be our concern as we simply won't be there at that point, so if you think about it that way, it's irrational to care about how others would react to our death.
I fully understand and can relate. Every time i think about ctb, i think about my kids and partner. I know she would hate me for it since that is how she lost her dad, but what worries me more and keeps me alive is that my kids could follow as one have similar problems and other is extremly sensitive. Really only thought of them crying and having to go through that is keeping me here - its constant struggle that i breace only for their sake, and i wish i could just fall asleep and not wake up. This way maybe pain for them wouldnt be so horrible. Its constant battle and I feel for OP.
Personally, I don't feel I could do it to my Dad. I'm sure it would devastate him. For now- I think I can hold on till he passes.
After he's gone, there are still one or two people I would worry about. Still, I feel like they are so distant now, hopefully it wouldn't be as bad.
Like everyone else has said though- I see it like a balance- when the pain of us staying outweighs the pain we think we'll leave behind, that makes up our decision.
After he's gone, there are still one or two people I would worry about. Still, I feel like they are so distant now, hopefully it wouldn't be as bad.
Like everyone else has said though- I see it like a balance- when the pain of us staying outweighs the pain we think we'll leave behind, that makes up our decision.
I used to think that I would just wait until they both passed to ctb but it is probably more realistic to just not set a rule on it for myself. When my time is here, I will know it. Well, either that or I am just going to continue to suffer endlessly but hopefully it is the former. Either way, this is all temporary and my prison sentence will come to an end no matter what. No one can prevent that.
I don't really have any loved ones. My parents claim to love me but they are the main reason my life is in shambles. If my death hurts my parents, that's a good thing, because they deserve to suffer because of what they've done to me. Although I'm afraid me CTBing wouldn't affect my parents that much.
The only "loved one" I have left is a friend in Turkey who has been loyal and supportive of me. I feel guilty saying this, but I don't enjoy our relationship, and talking to him is boring for the most part. He would be sad if I died. I can live (die? Haha) with that.
The only "loved one" I have left is a friend in Turkey who has been loyal and supportive of me. I feel guilty saying this, but I don't enjoy our relationship, and talking to him is boring for the most part. He would be sad if I died. I can live (die? Haha) with that.
☆AwaitingEntropy☆
Snuffing the Light Out
- Nov 6, 2021
- 208
The only reason I've lived this long is because of my loved ones. Sometimes, it's ....fine, it's a reason to keep going I guess. But sometimes I feel angry, almost resentful. It's awful. I shouldn't feel so angry because I'm here when I don't want to be just for the sake of others.
And yet, when it gets really bad, when I'm living by the minute, I get bitter. Not outwardly, of course, but the difference between my pleasant and kind exterior and internal frustration at living just widens the disconnect between myself and them. Sometimes I just want to look at my loved ones and tell them that the "me" they loved has been dead for years, won't they let this tired corpse rest?
Being trapped here is so exhausting.
And yet, when it gets really bad, when I'm living by the minute, I get bitter. Not outwardly, of course, but the difference between my pleasant and kind exterior and internal frustration at living just widens the disconnect between myself and them. Sometimes I just want to look at my loved ones and tell them that the "me" they loved has been dead for years, won't they let this tired corpse rest?
Being trapped here is so exhausting.
stilhavinightmares
Warlock
- Oct 13, 2022
- 753
I relate to every single word of this. It's so painful and so exhausting. Thanks for sharing.
theboy
Illuminated
- Jul 15, 2022
- 3,282
I deal with it by thinking about it from time to time and telling myself to accept it. You just gotta face your problems sometimes. I could accept that life is just not for me, I can accept that they will be devestated by my departure, and they can probably accept my death. They might have gone through worse, or maybe this will be their worst. Either way, most of my family don't see me much anymore. So I'm hoping they will hold onto the family and people that are living instead of me.
Himalayan
"Wake up to reality, nothing ever goes as planned"
- Sep 30, 2022
- 422
Honestly. What bound is that even.
My relationship whit my family is weird, i do not feel any sense of belonging.
My relationship whit my family is weird, i do not feel any sense of belonging.
Tbh, that's the only fucking reason I am alive/ or stopping me from ctb, at least mom and dad, rest don't matter tbh
Self-sacrifice is also not a very good option. Exist for someone. Too hypocritical, in my opinion. But everyone's circumstances are different. In my post, I'm only responsible for myself.
Raven2
Arcanist
- Dec 1, 2022
- 466
I did once have a conversation with a family member when I was suicidal and when I said it the response was 'go and do it then if that's what you want to do'.
I do believe it was said out of frustration for the situation and not meant in a mean way.
Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to CTB but I do think life moves on and eventually the grieving gets easier i believe anyway.
I do believe it was said out of frustration for the situation and not meant in a mean way.
Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to CTB but I do think life moves on and eventually the grieving gets easier i believe anyway.
Yeah it's like a prison sentence.it's awful I'm just at the stage I want to go it's just getting the guts as I'm so depressed and unhappy and lonely . Why would I want to go through this for 5,10,15 years
GlassAlwaysEmpty
Red Grapes only
- Jun 22, 2020
- 111
It's even worse when there's already been a suicide in the family so I've experienced first hand how a suicide can destroy a family.
Seiko
"Nothing's gonna hurt you, baby."
- Jul 9, 2021
- 167
The thought of my father visiting my grave or my mother spreading my ashes is what gets me. I try to remind myself that I can't control the emotions of other people, but at the same time, it'll ultimately be their cross to bear. I don't know, currently. I'll take each day for what it is until I decide on CTB.
Yeah its one of the only things thats stopping me. My mom already is very mentally unstable and very much tries to live through me, which also caused a lot of my issues in the first place lol. I know she would never recover from it. It feels very selfish to die, eventho i'm fucking done with living and just do almost nothing in life but laying in bed letting my parents pay everything for me and not taking care of myself because i don't want to anymore.
