Discussion Anyone sad they didn't kill themselves years ago?

[doomdoll]

knowing all the shit that's happened since my first almost successful attempt, yes absolutely. i wish i hadn't been so cowardly and called anyone

 

[VioletNebula]

I simultaneously wish i had died when i was 12 and am glad i lasted this long to meet My Person. Weird feeling, to be sure!

 

[Coffeehead]

I wish I ended it a year ago, or a day ago, or an hour ago.

 

[Boudika]

If I had ctb then when I first planned it, now I would not be a burden to so many new people. I wouldn't have had to suffer and I would have finally rest.

 

[BrknEyes]

Yeah, sad past attempts didn't happen or didn't work, high school was the time for myself were I think I was most mentally prepared.

 

[Professor K]

Yes, you are not alone as you can see.

I would've died 3 years ago. I think about this date every year. I don't think I would've missed anything, I don't regret being alive either.

I'm not sad because I recognize that both options (having died 3y ago or dying now) are exactly the same since everything disappears forever from the moment you die.

 

[PanaxMan]

I wanted to kms when I was a minor. Now I regret it, really bad

 

[BlazingBob]

I came within inches of ctb when I was 25 in the 90s. Back then my problems were solely mental. Now I'm dealing with horrible physical problems as well. I would've saved myself a ton of suffering if I had followed through back then. I did some interesting things in the interim between then and now but nothing enough to offset the suffering.

 

[silence ends]

Yes, everything has got worse rapidly. No when i've destroyed alll wealth i got its really painfull to be alive totally broke. Now i could even think if i would get some money i'd go bit further on life.
But all is gone and i am done

 

[naomewki]

yes unfortunately, i had come very close a few years ago but my own stupidity held me back then,, and i stayed despite things only worsening but now i think with this site i can make sure the same thing doesn't happen again !!

 

[divinemistress36]

I should have killed myself 6 years ago after my stroke/assault . But everyone kept telling me it would get better...

 

[Silent Raindrops]

If I would have known last May what I know now, yea, I'd already be dead.

 

[Bunni'sLullaby]

I agree with other SS members; I was two seconds from purposely overdosing years ago. I had the entire bottle in my hand--and I didn't do it. Now? That I'm older? Knowing what I know now? I feel like an f---ing idiot, hoping things would get better as I got older. Considering no one else will, I wish I had put myself out of my misery then and there. Other than that, my other regret is wishing that I would have used a more lethal and guaranteed method, if I had done something--overdosing is not reliable.

 

[sugar_kitty]

I wish I killed myself when I had the chance/courage 2 years ago at 16. Now, I am alive but I don't feel like I deserve to be here. I would have been finally free but I guess I can't even do this correctly. I f* up my only chance bc there will be too much consequences today. My mood varies from empty/sad/angry, nothing else, it's tiring.

 

[ATort]

God, I wish, it'd be nice to have caught the 80 bus before things got to where they are now... I've become to important to someone. Even if I still think she hates me.

 

[KafkaF]

There is part of me that thinks I should've ended things back in 2011 when my second depression started. Shortly after my first girlfriend broke up with me. My life has just gotten so much worse since then.

But overall... no.

In 2022 I met my previous girlfriend and we were together through most of 2023. I'd never been in a relationship that was so happy, supportive and healthy. And I had so many genuinely happy moments with her. And I'm really glad to have had her in my life and to have experienced those moments. So I'm genuinely glad that I didn't die before I got to experience that.

That being said, I kind of wish I'd killed myself before she broke up with me. I know that's selfish, but I did think about it sometimes at the time. But I never did it because she gave me a reason to stick around. Now though I just wish I'd been able to die while having at least something happy in my life. Someone to mourn me.

I won't deny, it's probably better as it is now. She won't have to suffer if I kill myself at this point and I acknowledge that's good. But like I said, selfishly I do wish I'd killed myself a few months ago when I was still with her. Preferably right after she left after coming over. Because then I would've died feeling loved. Now I just have to die feeling miserable, heartbroken and alone.

 

[The Great Below]

I've wished I was successful or attempted dozens of times at this point. If only life had needed when I tried at 8 and again at 10.. definitely by age 15 would have been best as it would have saved me from hurting my daughter I gave birth to at 16. I feel the kids are the only reason I've heald off on following through for many years, I hate hurting or inconveniencing others.

 

[Leavesfromthevine]

Yes but only because I had easy access to guns back then. I still have easier access to guns compared to most but I couldn't do it now without massive guilt. SN is a saving grace I suppose.

 

[Ariii]

Yes, it would have been easier since a year or two ago my brother wasnt home constantly

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Yep.

 

[BlessedBeTheFlame]

I had my first suicidal thoughts when I was 8 or so, wanting to just hang myself to a doorknob with some stretchy toyrope I had. The first utterly serious attempt I had was at 17, when I had to redo a year of school. I tried to strap a plastic bag over my head and tried to lay there till I died. Sadly it didn't work. I really wish I had gone through back then. I really wish I didn't know all these things I know about myself nowadays. I fucking hate myself to this for allowing myself to live far too long.

 

[TooConscious]

If we could put into place a better world for everyone, imagine a nicer existence, even.
It seems that impossible to have peace that I can't seem to even imagine it. Although I am doped up on a couple of strong sedatives so am willing to accept the world may be getting better? But at this rate I can't imagine people awakening to the extent of ending the petty and frankly sadistic games.

I've made myself somewhat useless I don't contribute but still eat the food of the society this is where I wish I'd have fell to a peaceful death as a small child a time when resentment, confusion about existence at the absurdity, guilt and cynicism hadn't built up so much.

 

[MikUma]

Like, it would've been better to die 2 years ago knowing everything I know now

Oh my gosh I 100% wish I didnt out when my date (Aug. 20, 2021) happened because I got everything ready and I didn't go through because "I was too tired.."

 

[prone2fury]

i remember predicting when i was 11 that i'd turn into a suicidal loser. lo and behold i was right! i should've done it after middle school was cause that's when life stopped being any fun lol.

 

[Doemu]

I really wish i had died with my first attempt when i was 11 years old.

 

[Unattainable666]

Wish I had died at my first attempt age 14. Would have saved me so much pain

 

[touchingthevoid]

Yes, would have saved myself so much trouble

 

[lixt]

I am not sad, I am just disappointed. 2 years ago I was living in a high building with 10 floors. I would frequently go to the balcony and sit there waiting for the wind to pull me down, waiting to miraculously die. I don't know why I didn't jumped. Maybe I was just trying to call for attention, idk. Past aside, I do have methods now, I have a x-acto knife I can use to cut my throat but I am just so afraid of the pain and the failure I wont cut.

 

[Quiet_Cricket]

Yes.

 

[ThymeToLeave]

Yes, if I had died years ago I would have caused less trouble for my family.