Anyone let themselves go?

[Shu]

I know I am close to dying. All I do is eat and sleep. Every time I go to sleep I hope that I don't wake up and when I do it is the most dreadful feeling. I wake up feeling a sense of doom. Its like waking up in hell metaphorically. I have nightmares every single night now. 7 months ago it was never like this at all. I used to wake up happy everyday. Now I don't every time I wake up I'm thinking about dying. All I do is think about dying. I hardly ever shower anymore I can go weeks now without showering. I don't brush my teeth anymore. I don't leave the house anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore except for on here. Anybody else experiencing this?

 

[novem]

yes exactly as you described

 

[GentleJerk]

For the most part, yeah. Constant pain and sickness is having a huge toll on quality of life. I'm sorry your going through it too...

 

[Al Cappella]

Winter was like that for me. Gained a bunch of weight, spent most of my time in bed, doing nothing but watching tv. It's a little better now, but still a struggle…

 

[locked*n*loaded]

That's pretty close to my experience, too. Especially as far as the just eating and just sleeping. I still shower. Honestly, I don't know why. Not every day, though, like I used to, but at least every few days. I have to go out to the grocery stores and get my own groceries. I do brush my teeth at least once a day. How do you eat if you don't go out to the grocery stores and get food? Are you just ordering food from restaurants and having it delivered? I can't afford that. I'm on a special diet anyway, so I need to go get my own food. The brief interaction with cashiers at stores is my entire social life. Sad, isn't it? That's where things are for me. My mind is focused on getting to where I need to be within the next year or so, in order to be able to leave this forsaken life of mine. yeah, I think about dying all the time. As a matter of fact, I've started visualizing, on purpose, myself taking my own life, through various methods, at least the few I have it narrowed down, visualizing being calm, peaceful, and resolute, just to make it easier when the time comes. Hopefully, it will help with the SI when it is time.

 

[Cathy Ames]

Other than the part about waking up happy, you are 100% describing me.

 

[wljourney]

Very similar, yes. Showers about every 3-4 days. Teeth brushing similar. I'm disgusted by myself.
Groceries every 10 days via curb side pickup. Pharmacy & pizza place delivers.

at least the dog makes me go for multiple short walks. Otherwise I'd have open wounds from sitting/ laying down too long.

Hugs

 

[butterfly🦋]

I hate to hear how everyone is feeling so low. I actually live with someone so I am forced to get up and shower and brush my teeth but I go out as least as possible. I have my groceries delivered and hardly ever go to the gym now. I hope everyone feels better soon. If I lived alone it would be a lot worse. I wish you all the best.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Sounds about right for me.

 

[Judy Garland]

I know I am close to dying. All I do is eat and sleep. Every time I go to sleep I hope that I don't wake up and when I do it is the most dreadful feeling. I wake up feeling a sense of doom. Its like waking up in hell metaphorically. I have nightmares every single night now. 7 months ago it was never like this at all. I used to wake up happy everyday. Now I don't every time I wake up I'm thinking about dying. All I do is think about dying. I hardly ever shower anymore I can go weeks now without showering. I don't brush my teeth anymore. I don't leave the house anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore except for on here. Anybody else experiencing this?

Like others, EXACTLY as you describe.

 

[M.i.245541]

I live with family so I can't do that. But I so wish I could

 

[MementoMori81]

I know I am close to dying. All I do is eat and sleep. Every time I go to sleep I hope that I don't wake up and when I do it is the most dreadful feeling. I wake up feeling a sense of doom. Its like waking up in hell metaphorically. I have nightmares every single night now. 7 months ago it was never like this at all. I used to wake up happy everyday. Now I don't every time I wake up I'm thinking about dying. All I do is think about dying. I hardly ever shower anymore I can go weeks now without showering. I don't brush my teeth anymore. I don't leave the house anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore except for on here. Anybody else experiencing this?

Really, really sorry to hear you're going through that mate. I can relate to most of it, though, for what it's worth. It's like things tend to slowly fall away isn't it? It's as though your world slowly becomes a smaller place, things fall away until you're just a single point of life - existing - just breathing and experiencing, being alive, but that's all.

I used to play rugby, but stopped, I used to box but that stopped. I recently stopped going to the gym to lift heavy, and used to do a tonne of conditioning, although that's all slipped away fairly recently so I'm still pretty big and in shape for the time being - that too will change no doubt.

Also, now, certain things that I used to derive enjoyment from, I can't even face because they remind me of certain things, certain people, times, situations, the past, regrets, things I've lost, all sorts really.
So I haven't only lost enjoyment from them, but even the very thought of doing them, and thinking about it causing me to ruminate on things stops me even attempting them in the first place. If that makes sense?

I used to love reading, but aside from a very few select things, I can't. I can't watch anything apart from bits relating to an ever decreasing pool of subjects I've been interested in over the years. Music? The pool of choice that I can tolerate is getting smaller by the day.

Currently I push myself to do the things I know I must - anything related to hygiene, keeping the place tidy, doing the washing and so on. But I do have to make myself do it, which is nothing more than self discipline now I think. I used to absolutely love cooking good food, but now I eat the basic minimum, sometimes eating one small meal a day. I can't even stand the thought of making something dapper in the kitchen.

I could go on, but as you can see, I definitely empathise with you. Fun it ain't

 

[SentencedToLife]

Yes. It's very difficult to be motivated when nothing has any meaning. I do the bare minimum to keep up the appearance that I'm somewhat functional, but the little that I do certainly couldn't be confused with taking care of myself. Why bother when there's no hope?

 

[TheBroken]

Same here - I only brush teeth because they start to hurt. Showering is about once a week maybe. Nightmares almost every night are horrible and so realistic. Hardly talk to anyone ....... living solitary Hell on earth.

 

[MementoMori81]

Same here - I only brush teeth because they start to hurt. Showering is about once a week maybe. Nightmares almost every night are horrible and so realistic. Hardly talk to anyone ....... living solitary Hell on earth.

Yes, the nightmares and just, shoddy dreams really. You know, the dreams that aren't nightmares per se, but are to do with things or people, situations and so on that trigger you off when you wake up. The kind that starts your day straight off on the wrong foot.
I empathise with you also, and the op.

 

[ShuttleChallenger]

Interesting, OP, and others.... Similar here...After January it was like a switch was flipped. I went from running/hiking 10+miles a week, to maybe per month now. Barely leave the house, which is very abnormal for me. I don't talk to or associate with anyone other than 1 or 2 friends or family members here and there. I'm not having nightmares, but my dreams have shifted gears over the last few months from active/adventure/pretty awesome to somewhat muted/mundane/maybe somewhat cool. Also, my dreams used to stick with me so I could journal them. Now they just vamoosh into the ether. My diet is slipping into high fat/carb status compared to my normal Mediterranean diet. As a former EMT who almost enlisted in CSAR, I'm normally fired up to act when I see the immediate situation, or the world, start to go downhill. But now I'm slipping down that slope, along with many others here. Albeit, I have fucked up much of my life on my own recently. I've been a lone wolf for the last few years, and became quite content with that. But I guess I can only go so far down that road.
I dug a pretty deep hole years ago after a breakup, but that just brought out my 'fuck this noise' instinct and I Kirk Gibsoned my way out of that do-or-die- 9th inning. Meaning I got back into shape and swung for the fences. It paid off. I made a pretty good life after that. I can't speak for anyone else, but sometimes this dark, shitty, hopelessness will push one to that brink. Well, I'm there, again. I've come to know that weight around the neck, that absolute zero desire to get up and go, and isolation. 'Those' thoughts are crossing my mind every day and night. But I owe it to what little friends/family I have left to try one more time. While I was looking up certain pharmaceutical components, I figured I'd also order some supplements to help the neurochemistry stabilize before going through any permanent acts. Omega 3/6, B 12,6,3, D3, and some decent cardio got me out of the sewer once....I hope some of you can get angry enough to wage a counter-offensive on behalf of your existence...
It's kinda weird knowing that you're not alone while sitting here alone typing this, huh:)

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I know I am close to dying. All I do is eat and sleep. Every time I go to sleep I hope that I don't wake up and when I do it is the most dreadful feeling. I wake up feeling a sense of doom. Its like waking up in hell metaphorically. I have nightmares every single night now. 7 months ago it was never like this at all. I used to wake up happy everyday. Now I don't every time I wake up I'm thinking about dying. All I do is think about dying. I hardly ever shower anymore I can go weeks now without showering. I don't brush my teeth anymore. I don't leave the house anymore. I don't talk to anyone anymore except for on here. Anybody else experiencing this?

This is exactly my life right now. I have friends from my old life trying to get me out into the world but it's just too shameful and humiliating given my circumstances… But I'm trying to pretend that things are OK when I'm with other people… The only way I could fix my life is get a Time Machine and go back 30 years to college and do everything over again… I don't like to be pitied… At least when the sun goes down I tend to relax a little bit more and I can justify lying on my couch …

 

[Cathy Ames]

I'm weirdly feeling as though we (or at least parts of us) are all the same person, maybe ever so slightly out of sync.... I'm sorry so many people are experiencing this.

 

[natali4]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Life is unfair. I feel you. I'm trying hard not to give up, but I know I will soon. I am forcing myself to shower, cook and brush my teeth. But I'm only successful like 2 out 7 days a week. This is just not sustainable.
I hope things get better for you. I hope there's a miracle.

 

[Tortured Existence]

That is the epitome of depression. I have had years that I felt that way. I go for weeks now without washing my horribly thick hair. Sometimes I just feel too weak and tired to stand in the shower that long. The worst part is knowing how long it will take just to dry it, standing there for 30+ minutes trying to make the curls and frizz straight, one stroke with the round brush after another. Unable to reach the back. It's endless, at least it seems that way.

So I've gone 3 weeks without washing it. It takes about that long to get so gross I can't stand it.

If it wasn't for COVID, I'd pay to have it washed and dried once a week. I did that after the partially unnecessary foot surgery I had. That was all that was good about it. People wore masks then. Not anymore. I am desperately afraid of Long COVID.

This frickin' comment is as boring as I am. Sorry . I totally get it though. Depression is paralyzing. It has turned me into a waste of space; a useless zombie.

 

[downndone2]

I am about the same. Never leave because of severe agorophobia, get everything delivered, shower every 2-4 days, bad teeth brushing habits, eat like shit, smoke, other than my work from home full time job I just lay around miserable. I have a roommate and my son is home for the summer, so trying to do better

 

[its-about-time]

I'm not sure what letting myself go would look like at this point. Maybe that just means I already have. For years I've struggled with basic daily tasks but the last 6 or 7 months I full-on stopped struggling and just embraced not doing it. I shower every month or so, sometimes more, sometimes less. I wear the same clothes generally for about a week but much longer if I'm in a particularly low spot. I brush my teeth anywhere from a couple times a week if I'm feeling good to a couple times a month if I'm not. I swing between weeks of hermitting and not leaving my trailer, alongside piling weeks of dishes in the sink and throwing trash straight onto the ground, then to more energetic/social times where I push myself hard to be productive and see people before I crash back into hermit mode. I lost about 35 pounds but I contribute that largely to some sucky stomach issues that lasted for quite a few months.

I've been a lighter version of this for years but it's definitely gotten "bad" since the end of last year, maybe I have just let myself go it's hard to care either way.

 

[lobster salad]

I eat a lot of food because it makes me feel better, and sleep several hours a day. I don't get out of bed, someone drags me out and makes me shower and brush my teeth... but I go out everyday because my mom will force me to do things at home if I stay in bed. Also my mental state improves a lot to see trees and be alone at night outside. I may run away from home because unlike most of you who have your own space in your own room I have none cos of her constantly coming to help me.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I used to be about 200 lbs. Now i am over 300 lbs. Why bother care about my body? I hate myself.

 

[OpheliasFlowers]

I'm ashamed to admit how long it's been since I've taken a proper shower or washed (what's left of) my hair. For the last 5 yrs or so I've struggled with oral hygiene but it's gotten progressively worse to the point where I'm lucky if I brush my teeth once a week. When my mouth feels especially disgusting (it always does but I mean REALLY really gross, like furry-teeth feeling) I'll rinse my mouth with mouthwash but that's about it. I try to change my clothes regularly which is silly considering I never shower anymore. I can't even believe it when I compare me now to me 20-30 yrs ago. But I'm just so very weak and tired all the time now, have no motivation, I never go anywhere or see anyone, and I have a couple health problems that have some very disgusting symptoms and that makes me feel even more like "Why bother? You'll still be disgusting and smell horrible and look sickly and horrible no matter what so what's the point?" I keep hoping one day something will change and a few times I've tried to re-establish good hygiene and better habits, but decades of chronic pain and increasing illnesses and deteriorating body and mental health leave me exhausted mentally and physically. I'm literally rotting away but still (technically) alive.

Oh and I also have nightmares and poor sleep. Anxiety dreams. I don't feel human anymore. I'm just a smelly, sickly, decaying, ugly, gross animal now.

 

[Pluto]

It was a long time ago, but my record was 6 months without showering and about 18 months without washing my hair.

 

[Imissyoumydarling]

Sorry to hear everyones experiences.

I've been a mixture of this. I've been keeping up appearances solely because I still have to work... and no one knows this (this is the first time I'm telling anyone this) but I'm going to be forcing my coworkers to take care of my things. They have no idea, which is why I'm hiding everything and pretending everything is normal. I've drafted up a note that I'll post to our work Whatsapp group that will basically tell them that I've killed myself, that I've hidden my location so they can't interfere until the police call my boss (I'll leave a note on the hotel room bathroom door with his number) to confirm my body, and could they please take care of XYZ (I've got very detailed instructions on what to do with my belongings, body arrangements and cat). And that I'm posting it to my work group because I have literally no family or friends to ask this of.

I've stopped showering... as much. Every second or third day, which is still good for depression standards, and but it's mostly so my coworkers don't suspect anything. And I used to be very well dressed and take a lot of pride in my looks but tbh with wearing a face mask constantly I can hide that I don't have the motivation to do that anymore.

I know in the final week of CTB I'll definitely go back to being super clean and presented just because I'm scared I'll spend the afterlife (if it exists) in the same state I died in... I'd rather be a clean and pretty spirit than a stinky one. I'm sure I can muster up the energy for just a week of that.

Tonight I left the house for the first time in weeks, for a non-work/non-food reason so that was a big deal. And the silly thing was it was only to go to the salon to buy a bunch of stupid treatments solely to pass the time. I seriously wasted $150 just to pass a couple hours. But it helped me leave the house. So that was something. And I'm now less hairy and have a very clean back.

 

[Al_stargate]

That's interesting how many people have the same experience. I thought I was the only one that had to muster strength to brush my teeth. My experiences are identical to OP's. Even most rudimentary tasks like showering and brushing teeth are a choir, don't get me started on cleaning and cooking. I haven't done that in months. Before my surgery, my motivation was through the roof. I couldn't get to everything I wanted done in a day. Now I hate waking up and thinking about what my life has become due to a single event. Complete U-turn. I think about ctb most of the day but so far been coward to actually go through even though I have everything sorted out.

 

[JamieJambo]

Ditto

 

[FuneralCry]

I have to force myself to do things, but I do live a very empty existence like I have already died in a way. I just try to pass the time until I fall asleep. I know that there is nothing here for me in this world and each day it feels more and more pointless me being alive. I always wish to never wake again and the thought of non existence brings me a lot of comfort. Life is only suffering after all and that is all that it will ever be.