Discussion Anyone in the cycle of perpetual self-destruction brought on by suicidal thoughts

[gameovergirlie]

The sentiment that; "If im going to be dead in a week then 'x'" has sort of been saving my life as well as ruining it. At first it was just "why am i bothering with eating heathy" or "what will ruining my sleep schedule matter". I even moved out of my family home knowing that i dont have the financial stability for it to work because, "well ill just end it then"

But that has quickly became a slipperly slope because well...spoiler im not dead

Even experimented with drugs and slept around a bunch and finally did heroin. I say finally because that was the initial thought process behind this whole thing. If im going to go out i at least want to know what that euphoria feels like, whats the worse that could happen? I get addicted "ill only be around for a week". Well i kinda did get 'addicted' because i want to do it again, dealer even said that we 'could do it at his' and i know what that means but i dont think ill even care soon.

i dont know if this is just some long game to get me to rock bottom so that i dont have a choice but to finally do it or what. Anyone feeling similar that has a good explanation?

 

[tonicer]

I feel like my suicidal thoughts are visible from the outside and when i go to a job interview even though i try my best to smile and be friendly and stuff they see right through my facade and notice how deeply sad i am and that's why i get rejection after rejection. I wish i could rid myself of this sickness and live a normal life.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

The sentiment that; "If im going to be dead in a week then 'x'" has sort of been saving my life as well as ruining it. At first it was just "why am i bothering with eating heathy" or "what will ruining my sleep schedule matter". I even moved out of my family home knowing that i dont have the financial stability for it to work because, "well ill just end it then"

But that has quickly became a slipperly slope because well...spoiler im not dead

Even experimented with drugs and slept around a bunch and finally did heroin. I say finally because that was the initial thought process behind this whole thing. If im going to go out i at least want to know what that euphoria feels like, whats the worse that could happen? I get addicted "ill only be around for a week". Well i kinda did get 'addicted' because i want to do it again, dealer even said that we 'could do it at his' and i know what that means but i dont think ill even care soon.

i dont know if this is just some long game to get me to rock bottom so that i dont have a choice but to finally do it or what. Anyone feeling similar that has a good explanation?

Not as extreme but I constantly go through periods telling myself that this will be the moment and I will CBT.

It's bad because I just feel like such a coward and a faker with dozens of journal entries about how "this will actually be it"…

 

[pvsnp]

Very relatable, even heroin is on my bucketlist too. I mean, if we're gonna die anyway right? (If you don't mind me asking what was it like?) Not giving a shit and doing dumb stuff is kinda like the only thing keeping me going atp. But also with all the weird shit I've been doing I feel like I'm just paving the way for my suicide until there's really no other option left. I don't have a good explanation for it either, maybe it's just part of the process. Or part of feeling like shit. Nonetheless, I'm sorry your life has been like this lately.

 

[failedmind]

me too. started eating whatever I want, gained 60 pounds, spent a lot of money etc because i told myself i'd kill myself and none of it would matter. a horrible cycle. still here, still suffering, i wish it could end

 

[Cepheuss]

Yeah since January ive been doing anything for some fun even though its been hurting the people around me. Ive lost all of my friends ive relapsed ive gotten in an unstable relationship which is so unfair on him cause i met him the day after what was supposed to be my last and just got attatched. I have been pushing everyone away figuring it wont matter soon just to continue failing attempt after attempt