anyone here who is enby or trans and repressing

[trying ungracefully]

Yeah I am gender fluid. I don't understand myself fully with it, I've been struggling for 5 years, but I really wish I could be perceived as something other than my original gender. I'm fine with passing as a man or as "gender non existent" I like to say. I'm also fine with passing as a woman too. I just wish I got the other two being recognized more because the woman part is the only part (with my boyfriend he is the only one who knows). He doesn't want me to get a binder either even though I would wear it safely to not mess up my chest, I still like my boobs sometimes.

It's hard to want to come out with my family because my brother is trans and I feel like they will all think I am copying him. He he's my older brother so when we were kids I would do anything he would do. I also remember being in old navy as a kid with my mom and she said to pick out underwear. I picked out the guys because they were fun looking and more comfortable. She said she isn't doing that with me too. And I mean she is fully on board with my brother's transgender journey now but that was something that stuck with me even though I wasn't really thinking much then.

When I got more scars down my thigh I thought a plus was that my mom would finally let me where guy shorts for the summer. It made me feel more comfortable and idk not happy but positive.

I always loved people seeing me as a tomboy as a kid though. When I would play pretend I would make my name be Alex because it is a gender neutral name that I thought sounded more like a guy which I liked. Then when I was a penguin for halloween only my face was showing and a woman confused me for a boy. It didn't offend me, only made me feel awkward because my friend was there. It didn't stick with me in a bad way.

Idk if I will ever come out to my family because I think it would be hard to view me that way. I look in the mirror and as much as I try I look like a woman and my dad tells me how much I look like my mom. She looks nothing close to what a guy would look like. I don't want the disappointment of only hearing she/her only because it wouldn't be easy to them. I want she/he/they.

Oh how wonderful it would be to be one of those mf with such an androgynous face that you can do whatever with styling to make people see them the way they want.

I also feel like it would be embarrassing having them see a part of me that I want to keep hidden. It feels like a secret that shouldn't be let out and if it does get let out it would just bring shame.

 

[Breadkey]

Heavy repper here. Been doing the same thing for years now, can't say if that's a good thing or not. Built an extremely ideal version of myself in my head and would daydream about it for hours, completely dissociating from the current self. I live in a place where it's possible to transition but heavily looked down upon. Like the get killed and raped kind of level.

I'd still go through with transitioning process even after the irreversible damage (puberty) IF i was financially independent and could afford my own place. Currently that seems like wishful thinking because I fucked my life over. Just made too many retarded mistakes. So the only possible choice left for me is to rope but if I'm willing to die for it then I guess I'll give life another try because truthfully I don't really want to die just yet.

 

[Wlfgrl]

Right now im repressing a lil hard and one of the major ways I cope is by living in my own head, kind of like solipsism or whatever it's called. It sucks to not be born in a ideal body and get depressed over it.

mtf, I'm repressing and boymoding for the most part irl, but on the internet I've been enjoying my transition for the most part. Only thing that makes me anxious is all the posting about diy vs not diy. I'm not really comfortable coming out to anyone, unless it's new people and meeting new people is a bit difficult for me on top of a couple other things. Just got my medication today, but was really hating certain parts of my body. Might not ever socially come out, but if trans people ask me, then imma tell them. I fantasize about the day I've payed off some stuff and figured something out, moved somewhere else and can actually start living my own life.