anyone here who is enby or trans and repressing

[N-methylamphetamine]

Right now im repressing a lil hard and one of the major ways I cope is by living in my own head, kind of like solipsism or whatever it's called. It sucks to not be born in a ideal body and get depressed over it.

 

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

yep, I live in a country where i can't transition safely so all i do is repress
lovee living in my head, atp the only thing that keeps me sane is making shit up and fully immersing myself in it

 

[N-methylamphetamine]

yep, I live in a country where i can't transition safely so all i do is repress
lovee living in my head, atp the only thing that keeps me sane is making shit up and fully immersing myself in it

im in the states, aint nothing going to be alright.

 

[StupiderJuniper]

yeah, was repressing for quite a while here despite being fully aware of being trans for years because i was in a deeply unsafe environment. i eventually got found out anyway. its technically better now (at the cost of a lot) but it really fucking sucks anyway, and i'm sorry you are in that situation, the world is so terribly cruel to queer people.

 

[Dinorun]

Since I was 5 or 6 I fantasized about being the other gender every single day of my life
But I was born in my body and I'll never transition or anything and if anything I did the opposite and leaned into what's expected of me
I'll continue dreaming about it in my head until the day I die

I guess pretending with ai and doing hobbies more aligned with how you feel inside help

 

[walsun]

im trans MTF, i knew since it since i was really young.
I went through male puberty and i did try to come out but again, it was in india so i was just beaten up and they forgot about it.
Now i'm 18 and i've grown too masculine.
I'm 6'2 and i'm repressing.
God how i wish i transitioned sooner

 

[insekurity]

Repressif ftm amd wemt full in denial amd oberdid perfprming femknity amd sll it di de waswke me 3wmmt kmslr4

 

[49Slides]

i dont think ive met a single person in my entire life who's pro-queer people in my country which is genuinely insane. theres less than 10 people who even know im trans and their general reaction is just "good for you!" which is nice but i wish i knew someone who was happy for me finding myself instead of just being like "cool". besides said people i think every single person ive met is homophobic and transphobic. i asked one of my friends last year what he thought of gay people and he just said he'd be their equivalent of hitler which i think puts into perspective how bad it was.. and it hasnt really gotten any better in those few years!
ive been thinking of voice training recently but besides that i mostly repress it. i do have somewhat long hair which is the only thing ive been able to do regarding wanting to be a girl sadly

 

[N-methylamphetamine]

im trans MTF, i knew since it since i was really young.
I went through male puberty and i did try to come out but again, it was in india so i was just beaten up and they forgot about it.
Now i'm 18 and i've grown too masculine.
I'm 6'2 and i'm repressing.
God how i wish i transitioned sooner

you can still transition. it isnt too late

i dont think ive met a single person in my entire life who's pro-queer people in my country which is genuinely insane. theres less than 10 people who even know im trans and their general reaction is just "good for you!" which is nice but i wish i knew someone who was happy for me finding myself instead of just being like "cool". besides said people i think every single person ive met is homophobic and transphobic. i asked one of my friends last year what he thought of gay people and he just said he'd be their equivalent of hitler which i think puts into perspective how bad it was.. and it hasnt really gotten any better in those few years!
ive been thinking of voice training recently but besides that i mostly repress it. i do have somewhat long hair which is the only thing ive been able to do regarding wanting to be a girl sadly

you in australia?

 

[walsun]

you can still transition. it isnt too late

you in australia?

can I rlly do that.. I still feel too tall to transition. God I'm just clinging to that hope maybe

 

[N-methylamphetamine]

can I rlly do that.. I still feel too tall to transition. God I'm just clinging to that hope maybe

how tall are you?

 

[walsun]

how tall are you?

6'2 and I hit 6'3 if I wear any shoes or anything really. you know I didn't ask to be trans. It's terrible stuff. it's horrible.

 

[N-methylamphetamine]

6'2 and I hit 6'3 if I wear any shoes or anything really. you know I didn't ask to be trans. It's terrible stuff. it's horrible.

you can still pass

 

[49Slides]

you in australia?

Nah im indian too

 

[Dust&Moonlight]

One million percent. I believe I'm enby, but I might be MTF I don't know. Not that it really matters anyway because...

...I'm noticeably balding. I'm big-as-fuck both in both weight and width. I'm 6'2". I have a deep-ass voice. I'm nearing my 30s. Any support in my country is near non-existent, and I'm too poor for private treatment. There is literally no good avenue for me to in any way express myself without feeling and looking like a complete idiot, so I just don't. Like, a few years back I tried wearing Dr. Martens because so many cool alt people wear them and... holy fuck. I looked ridiculous. So back in the closet they went, alongside any notion of me caring for how I look.

Issue is I just don't know where this ends outside of, you know. Any hopeful messaging just falls flat because of all the reasons mentioned above. Every day I'm losing time I could've spent happy, and with how things are going in the world it doesn't feel like there's much 'time' left anyways. Meanwhile just general day-to-day life is getting harder. I avoid mirrors and pictures. Every outing causes immense anxiety. I don't take care of myself in the same way one wouldn't care to maintain a broken-down wreck of a car. It's fucking rough and I genuinely don't see anything getting better.

 

[paranoias64]

i've been on hormones on and off for a couple years and i dont like my results. i made the dumb mistake of coming out to my family and friends. i wish i never did. it's embarrassing but i want to go back to repressing.

 

[N-methylamphetamine]

Nah im indian too

what state? my parents are from telegana

 

[MyPropellerWontSpin]

can I rlly do that.. I still feel too tall to transition. God I'm just clinging to that hope maybe

ive heard u can shrink a bit on estrogen (around 1 to 3 inches), dont lose hope! u can still transition, its never too late

 

[walsun]

ive heard u can shrink a bit on estrogen (around 1 to 3 inches), dont lose hope! u can still transition, its never too late

that's rlly hopeful but I don't know sometimes. I've been on hrt for 3 months and facially I've had no changes. I mean I know it does take time but I want stuff to stop sometimes. being transgender is my whole identity and something stripped away bare like that and the influence it had as will have on me is rlly big. I don't know tbh.

 

[49Slides]

what state? my parents are from telegana

id rather not say if thats okay

 

[ihateittoo]

im mtf, im out and on hrt but i regret coming out sometimes. i dont really pass that well at all and i get looked at like a freak. being trans is hell, all i can think about is ctb

 

[Flowerpup]

Trans and started hrt after like 8 years of planning and over 17 of wanting . I started around my mid twenties and I dont pass for shit so publicly I am whatever the person talking to me call me.

I only present myself as a transwoman on social media, forums and discord.

Haven't really felt any change regarding my ctb feelings, but at least I flinch less whenever I look at the mirror. It helps that I look like my sister but taller.

 

[dandayooo]

Repressing trans woman here. There's no way I can look like a woman and I don't have feminine mannerisms at all, so oh well, why even bother.

 

[N-methylamphetamine]

Trans and started hrt after like 8 years of planning and over 17 of wanting . I started around my mid twenties and I dont pass for shit so publicly I am whatever the person talking to me call me.

I only present myself as a transwoman on social media, forums and discord.

Haven't really felt any change regarding my ctb feelings, but at least I flinch less whenever I look at the mirror. It helps that I look like my sister but taller.

It helps that I look like my sister but taller

lucky you

id rather not say if thats okay

thats fine

 

[broken serenity]

I think for some it's like uncanny valley w me cuz ive got a weird mix of linebacker/twink femme energy. With certain hairstyles, transmascs ask me how many years i've been on T... I'm like, 25ish /sob

depending on the voice i use i get treated differently, but no matter what i can't stop being so visible at 6'1" it's scary out there in anything other than like gender neutral stuff sometimes. Just let them believe whatever they prefer; avoid forcing them to confront their feelings on gender. Take whatever pronouns im given.

 

[hoppybunny]

Right now im repressing a lil hard and one of the major ways I cope is by living in my own head, kind of like solipsism or whatever it's called. It sucks to not be born in a ideal body and get depressed over it.

I feel you. I have an ideal image of myself in my head and I get physically sick anytime I look in the mirror. So I just have to ignore all the mirrors in my life.

It's gotten so bad that I genuinely don't know what I look like anymore.


I'm agender. I don't like how i'm expected to be or act a certain way just because of my sex. And on top of that I've just never felt compatible with my gender.

When I was a kid, I never liked being called by gender. I hated changing with the others. I didn't think I'd ever need a bra. I cried when I got my first period because I genuinely thought it would never happen to me since I wasn't a girl. It sucks so much.

I hate being trapped in my body.

I don't want to be male or anything. I just want to stop being female. IDK if that makes any sense.

One million percent. I believe I'm enby, but I might be MTF I don't know. Not that it really matters anyway because...

...I'm noticeably balding. I'm big-as-fuck both in both weight and width. I'm 6'2". I have a deep-ass voice. I'm nearing my 30s. Any support in my country is near non-existent, and I'm too poor for private treatment. There is literally no good avenue for me to in any way express myself without feeling and looking like a complete idiot, so I just don't. Like, a few years back I tried wearing Dr. Martens because so many cool alt people wear them and... holy fuck. I looked ridiculous. So back in the closet they went, alongside any notion of me caring for how I look.

Issue is I just don't know where this ends outside of, you know. Any hopeful messaging just falls flat because of all the reasons mentioned above. Every day I'm losing time I could've spent happy, and with how things are going in the world it doesn't feel like there's much 'time' left anyways. Meanwhile just general day-to-day life is getting harder. I avoid mirrors and pictures. Every outing causes immense anxiety. I don't take care of myself in the same way one wouldn't care to maintain a broken-down wreck of a car. It's fucking rough and I genuinely don't see anything getting better.

I feel you so much. Like every single word. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I know what it's like to just give up on yourself because you just look so stupid when you try. It's so draining.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but even if you can't look how you like, I still reccomend taking care of your health at least so you don't cause any health related issues. It just makes you're already miserable life worse.

It's why I don't drink or smoke. Like i'm already fat, so why would i fuck up my lungs too kinda way.

Trans and started hrt after like 8 years of planning and over 17 of wanting . I started around my mid twenties and I dont pass for shit so publicly I am whatever the person talking to me call me.

I only present myself as a transwoman on social media, forums and discord.

Haven't really felt any change regarding my ctb feelings, but at least I flinch less whenever I look at the mirror. It helps that I look like my sister but taller.

I'm hoping you can be happier. I love your pfp btw. One of my favourite webtoons.

 

[Dust&Moonlight]

I feel you so much. Like every single word. I'm so sorry you're going through that. I know what it's like to just give up on yourself because you just look so stupid when you try. It's so draining.

I know this may not be what you want to hear but even if you can't look how you like, I still reccomend taking care of your health at least so you don't cause any health related issues. It just makes you're already miserable life worse.

It's why I don't drink or smoke. Like i'm already fat, so why would i fuck up my lungs too kinda way.

Thank you for the reply :) I know I'm not alone in this, but damn does it feel it sometimes, so it's really welcome to share it with others. Even if ultimately I'd hope neither of us had to feel this way.

And I do try to keep relatively healthy to the extent that I don't drink, smoke or do drugs or anything. Though shitty food, energy drinks, and just generally not exercising at all is sort of what I've fallen into and it's very hard to get out of that when your motivation to do anything good for yourself is non-existent.

It's a fucked-up chicken-and-egg situation. Transitioning at such a ridiculously-shit starting point feels impossible, but so does improving myself without having also transitioned. Similarly, giving up on the short-term dopamine hits and energy boosts when I utterly lack any real sort of dopamine or energy might help me in the long-term, but it'd just make an already-miserable existence even more so.

Any which way, yesterday I sort of had a 'flash' to how my life could be if I were comfortable with my body and, god, it made me want to just break down in tears. Except, of course, I couldn't because I don't feel as if I can, or really deserve to if it's not going to lead to anything concrete.

 

[hoppybunny]

Thank you for the reply :) I know I'm not alone in this, but damn does it feel it sometimes, so it's really welcome to share it with others. Even if ultimately I'd hope neither of us had to feel this way.

And I do try to keep relatively healthy to the extent that I don't drink, smoke or do drugs or anything. Though shitty food, energy drinks, and just generally not exercising at all is sort of what I've fallen into and it's very hard to get out of that when your motivation to do anything good for yourself is non-existent.

It's a fucked-up chicken-and-egg situation. Transitioning at such a ridiculously-shit starting point feels impossible, but so does improving myself without having also transitioned. Similarly, giving up on the short-term dopamine hits and energy boosts when I utterly lack any real sort of dopamine or energy might help me in the long-term, but it'd just make an already-miserable existence even more so.

Any which way, yesterday I sort of had a 'flash' to how my life could be if I were comfortable with my body and, god, it made me want to just break down in tears. Except, of course, I couldn't because I don't feel as if I can, or really deserve to if it's not going to lead to anything concrete.

Shitty Food is my vice omg. I can't stop eating vending machine crap and fast food. And because of my job I've started craving soda when usually i don't drink anything other than water.

It definitely feels impossible to take care of myself when I hate my life so much. I spend all the time I'm not at work in bed even though I know it's bad. It sucks so much.

Personally for me, I know once i become independent, my depression will go down and I'll be able to exercise and work towards looking how i want.

I hope you can find the happiness to do the same. I don't believe it's too late to try and change. Except if tryong causes u more distress ofc.

One thing that I personally want to try is pavloving myself. Basically everytime i do something good for myself, i need to find something that gives me a dopamine boost for before an after the activity, without being too high in calories like fasftood or soda.

But also something that doesn't go bad or melt.

So maybe I'll buy like a 100 bag of caramel candies or something to train myself lol.

 

[bl3e]

Sadly yeah. I've been struggling with my concept of gender for quite a while now (ftm) and in an ideal world I would love to fully medically and socially transition. But as things are currently, I feel like transitioning and living my life as a guy would make my life worse than it is now. I don't think I would ever fully be happy with my body even post transition because it isn't the "real" thing. Not to mention I'm too short and have too many feminine features to ever truly pass as a cis guy.

On top of that, the way trans people are treated in my area is… not exceptionally great, and I would struggle even more then I do now with socializing and being able to make and keep relationships. I can see some out of the few connections I have abandoning me if I come out. Hell I'm pretty sure I'd get blacklisted out of my family since it seems like everyone but my mom hates trans people to their very core. I think even fellow trans people would hate me because of how many of the things I enjoy (cute clothes, collecting Sanrio plushies, fictional idols, editing and posting oshikatsu, making pretty pastries, drawing cute girls, ect.) would be "too feminine". Maybe I'm just on twitter too much, but I've seen trans men get harassed by other trans people to death over being a "theyfab" and I don't want to get excluded from probably the only group that would remotely accept me but it's not like I can give up the few things that make me happy so easily either.

Overall, I just feel the costs far outweigh the benefits I would get from transitioning. So I'd rather be uncomfortable in this body for the rest of my life than get treated like pure shit. At least there is always day dreaming I can resort to when I'm really trying to cope with this disgusting feeling.

 

[MoralApathy]

I think I might have dysphoria too but I think mine is caused by phallocentrism and male favoritism in every space I go. I don't even know if what I'm feeling is valid, I just can't get rid of it and the best I can do is convince myself that it's a societal problem. I can't get diagnosed for shit tho. We weren't taught any of this in my school.