Anyone here trying to live, but keeping CTB as an option?

[leavingsoon99]

I've made up my mind. For me, personally, trying to live and just keeping suicide in my pocket is setting myself up to hope. Hope is a terrible delusion. See, I guess I'd do that if I knew that there was truly something to hope for. I look, not only at my life, but how life is unfolding in the world I live in. I look on the horizon and see race and ethnic wars, economic collapses, diminishing natural resources and the ensuing wars that will be fought for them, the continuing degeneration of the human being... along with my declining health, no one that will help or take care of me, not enough finances to finish life, and limited options for work.

I don't see a future which I look back at this time in my life and say, "I'm glad I didn't pull the trigger." Choosing life is not an option for me.

 

[AresCohere]

As time moves on, I'm getting closer to CTB as a last resort, and not the only option.

My life, while unlikely, has a chance to improve, and maybe it's worth it. Hopefully if I can make it through this year it will get better from then on out. But, if it doesn't, and it only gets worse, then I know what to do.

More likely, if I CTB sooner than I expect, it will be do to a sudden, and possibly delusional act.

 

[nureinFuchs]

I don't know if I fit on your proposal, but in my case, I already accepted the fact that im gonna CTB one day, I just go by my days until I get tired of life itself

 

[Proxycake]

It is a clear option, and it is usually the only thing in my head that helps me get through every passing day, when I awake each morning.

"If things get too insufferable, you have been brave, you can always die. A reasonable option for the weak."

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yeah, I've considered it, not deleting my account just in case but signing out for an extended period of time. Right now though, I still am unsure

There's the recovery section on here as well if you find this part of the forum too dark-it doesn't affect me (for the most part) and actually helps but we're all different and if it makes anyone's MH worse they should definitely take a break from the forum.

I think it's great you've found some meaning-wish I could find that! I'm not really actively trying to sort my life out (think I've kinda ruined it enough at this point) but I'm still here for a while I guess. I feel a bit better than I did this time last year so that's good at least, life isn't horribly unbearable right now and some of that could be thanks to reading up about SN and knowing it's an option and I might not have to die a horrible death when the time comes (natural or otherwise) which is a big anxiety of mine. I really think it can calm people just to know it's there, my only worry is people taking it impulsively after a bad day or something but I don't know how likely that is. I know everyone on here always stresses not to CTB impulsively anyway. It's just a safety net for me and keeps me feeling in control I guess. It always makes me happy when I see people deciding to give life a shot on here though and having hope for the future, wish you all the best!

 

[enditall222]

Honestly, I see my CTB as inevitable. I need to do it, but for some reason I don't want too yet. Maybe its my autistic obsessions keeping me afloat idk. I really don't think I can make it to 30 or even in my mid twenties however

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

There's the recovery section on here as well if you find this part of the forum too dark-it doesn't affect me (for the most part) and actually helps but we're all different and if it makes anyone's MH worse they should definitely take a break from the forum.

I think it's great you've found some meaning-wish I could find that! I'm not really actively trying to sort my life out (think I've kinda ruined it enough at this point) but I'm still here for a while I guess. I feel a bit better than I did this time last year so that's good at least, life isn't horribly unbearable right now and some of that could be thanks to reading up about SN and knowing it's an option and I might not have to die a horrible death when the time comes (natural or otherwise) which is a big anxiety of mine. I really think it can calm people just to know it's there, my only worry is people taking it impulsively after a bad day or something but I don't know how likely that is. I know everyone on here always stresses not to CTB impulsively anyway. It's just a safety net for me and keeps me feeling in control I guess. It always makes me happy when I see people deciding to give life a shot on here though and having hope for the future, wish you all the best!

Thanks, I actually alternate between here and recovery depending on my mood and mental health, it changes a bit. I mostly use this forum to vent, and recovery for my more positive posts. I hope stuff goes better for you!

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm not trying to live any more and CTB is always an option.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Thanks, I actually alternate between here and recovery depending on my mood and mental health, it changes a bit. I mostly use this forum to vent, and recovery for my more positive posts. I hope stuff goes better for you!

That sounds like a good balance for sure. Thank you, I hope stuff goes better for me too-I may check out the recovery section a bit more myself, I don't really have the hope for me but at least I get a bit of joy out of seeing others able to improve their lives.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

That sounds like a good balance for sure. Thank you, I hope stuff goes better for me too-I may check out the recovery section a bit more myself, I don't really have the hope for me but at least I get a bit of joy out of seeing others able to improve their lives.

It's a pleasant sub forum for sure. Also, I don't know how much this means but I didn't have hope months ago and found a purpose for myself, maybe you can do the same, I hope you can :)

 

[brokeandbroken]

I hate virtually everything about my life right now. There is very little that gives me happiness. In fact I am not sure I know happiness anymore. That said I also owe it to myself to see if things get better. So essentially what the title is, is what I am doing.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I hate virtually everything about my life right now. There is very little that gives me happiness. In fact I am not sure I know happiness anymore. That said I also owe it to myself to see if things get better. So essentially what the title is, is what I am doing.

I wish you the best and I hope things get better for you! Hopefully you can find something to bring you joy

 

[NoStanding]

For me, having goals creates purpose. As long as I set myself goals, I feel I have something to live for. I haven't planned for CTB or anything and it would only be an option if I have nothing left. No goals, no motivation. I feel like having a backup plan for CTB would be too distracting for me so currently I don't plan it for that reason. Everyone has different circumstances so I guess it depends on what pushes people past their point of no return.

I am not sure whether having a backup plan makes people feel more at ease, but whatever the reason, I hope you find something you enjoy whilst you are here. Death is inevitable, so either way, it will come eventually. I guess it just depends on circumstance.

 

[90starve]

I've been on this site for a bit, first I lurked, then I eventually joined, not really dead set on suicide. Now, I've found some sort of meaning but I always know that suicide is an option. It keeps me going somewhat to know that if everything goes to shit, I can always CTB.

Anyone else share this same sentiment, of trying to live but keeping it an option? I am aware this probably isn't a majority of the forum, but I'm sure there's gotta be a few likeminded people here.

yes!
i feel as if i have a lot going for me at the moment - so as much as i don't want to live, there are still things that i don't want to give up on quite yet (i just bought my first home for example).

although, i still research methods and am currently finalising my own partial hanging plan. i don't plan on CTBing soon, and maybe never even will - but it brings me comfort knowing that i can exit this world when things get too tough.

 

[NoStanding]

yes!
i feel as if i have a lot going for me at the moment - so as much as i don't want to live, there are still things that i don't want to give up on quite yet (i just bought my first home for example).

although, i still research methods and am currently finalising my own partial hanging plan. i don't plan on CTBing soon, and maybe never even will - but it brings me comfort knowing that i can exit this world when things get too tough.

Congrats on buying your first new home by the way. It's a nice start to something new, something I wish I had right now :')

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

yes!
i feel as if i have a lot going for me at the moment - so as much as i don't want to live, there are still things that i don't want to give up on quite yet (i just bought my first home for example).

although, i still research methods and am currently finalising my own partial hanging plan. i don't plan on CTBing soon, and maybe never even will - but it brings me comfort knowing that i can exit this world when things get too tough.

That's great, I want to own my own house some day, and be out on my own (as scary as that sounds currently). I also keep a method in the back of my mind, just in case.

 

[90starve]

Congrats on buying your first new home by the way. It's a nice start to something new, something I wish I had right now :')

thankyou so much! i never thought i'd be able to buy a house - but now that i have, there are endless projects to work on. wishing you the best and hoping you find something new that brings you joy <3

That's great, I want to own my own house some day, and be out on my own (as scary as that sounds currently). I also keep a method in the back of my mind, just in case.

being out on your own is definitely terrifying, and i haven't really got a clue what i'm doing! but it's all worth it - having independence and being in control of your own life feels good. i hope you can get there too someday very soon <3

 

[Roses_and_clouds]

suicide makes life very interesting. you get to be this transcendent human for who the cares of this world are beneath you. you are the superman with the secret knowhow to end it all when and how you decide it...., of course, don't believe that shit they sell to you in psychotherapy and such pseudoscience. that stuff is meant to make you believe something is wrong with trying to transcend life ...and simply die!

Meds really work. And killing yourself isn't a simple or interesting action. Trying to improve your life isn't a bad thing, the opposite, it's a thing that everyone should do. We shouldn't prevent someone from getting better, if someone chooses to take psychotherapy, we should support them by our whole heart.

Again, psychotherapy really works, and i say this as a person who experienced it firsthand. So anyone trying to improve their life, go for it. I wish everyone to get a future that they only experience happiness

 

[BllyNoM8s]

Honestly, I see my CTB as inevitable. I need to do it, but for some reason I don't want too yet. Maybe its my autistic obsessions keeping me afloat idk. I really don't think I can make it to 30 or even in my mid twenties however

Same, I don't wanna get old.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

same, I want to buy SN (it's easy here, but I'm looking for a good source) and other stuff

 

[brokeandbroken]

I wish you the best and I hope things get better for you! Hopefully you can find something to bring you joy

Thank you!

 

[ggetout33]

Yup. this is me.

 

[highjumping]

my plan is basically to try and stay alive but when everything gets to much i will ctb
i don't plan on dying of old age or getting even close to becoming 40 years old

 

[thgilrats]

Yes, actually!! The freedom of being able to CTB is soothing and everytime something goes horribly wrong I just calm myself down by thinking that if everything goes to shit, eventually, I'll be able to CTB, I won't have to suffer. It's a hope, somewhat.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

thankyou so much! i never thought i'd be able to buy a house - but now that i have, there are endless projects to work on. wishing you the best and hoping you find something new that brings you joy <3


being out on your own is definitely terrifying, and i haven't really got a clue what i'm doing! but it's all worth it - having independence and being in control of your own life feels good. i hope you can get there too someday very soon <3

Well I definitely won't have it soon, maybe in the grand scheme of life soon, but not really that soon, I'm in college and I will be for around 3-4 years. Precalculus has been kicking my ass today

Meds really work. And killing yourself isn't a simple or interesting action. Trying to improve your life isn't a bad thing, the opposite, it's a thing that everyone should do. We shouldn't prevent someone from getting better, if someone chooses to take psychotherapy, we should support them by our whole heart.

Again, psychotherapy really works, and i say this as a person who experienced it firsthand. So anyone trying to improve their life, go for it. I wish everyone to get a future that they only experience happiness

I'm ngl I'm scared if that stuff. Meds, therapy, all that freaks me out for some odd reason

 

[Deleted User#81194]

Yes, I have a few ideas on how I would like to die, but have been procrastinating on them. Creating an account has made feel slightly better even though I haven't really told anyone my story. I feel a sense of comradeship knowing there's people who understand my pain.

 

[illvoid]

Yeah, that's me. I haven't enjoyed life for a very long time for a multitude of reasons and would rather ctb, but I'm young, still living with my parents, and currently undergoing "treatment" (although I don't think it's helping me, seeing as I'm still posting here). I'm not depressed, I just don't like living in the world around me. Ideally, if I could get myself into a better situation and stay that way, I think I could be content with living life; but I'm afraid to find out what I'd have to do to get there.