Anyone here trying to live, but keeping CTB as an option?

[ThatStateOfMind]

I've been on this site for a bit, first I lurked, then I eventually joined, not really dead set on suicide. Now, I've found some sort of meaning but I always know that suicide is an option. It keeps me going somewhat to know that if everything goes to shit, I can always CTB.

Anyone else share this same sentiment, of trying to live but keeping it an option? I am aware this probably isn't a majority of the forum, but I'm sure there's gotta be a few likeminded people here.

 

[ForgottenTomb]

Yes. I have a box stored with rope, scissors and a note. At the moment, I am focusing on improving myself and my life, hoping that I will be in a different place years from now. But the box stays here. When it is time for me to leave the earth, I will know what to do.

 

[absolomonisgone]

suicide makes life very interesting. you get to be this transcendent human for who the cares of this world are beneath you. you are the superman with the secret knowhow to end it all when and how you decide it...., of course, don't believe that shit they sell to you in psychotherapy and such pseudoscience. that stuff is meant to make you believe something is wrong with trying to transcend life ...and simply die!

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Yes. I have a box stored with rope, scissors and a note. At the moment, I am focusing on improving myself and my life, hoping that I will be in a different place years from now. But the box stays here. When it is time for me to leave the earth, I will know what to do.

If I may ask, what are the scissors for? If you don't want to answer that, it's fine. And same here, I want to improve myself and build a better life, so I feel our mindset is very similar. The event that pushed me back here broke me, so I'm trying to pick up the pieces again, and rebuild myself.

 

[ForgottenTomb]

The scissors are for cutting the rope shorter in case that's needed.
It may be frustrating to start from zero again, but the fact that you still try to make things work show that you have some strength and perseverance in you. I wish you a lot of success and progress in rebuilding yourself.

 

[uniqueusername39]

this is me on the spectrum of suicidality. im fortunate that i can still derive some joy from this life, so i try to extract as much of that as possible. if all goes to shit well....i have my SN locked in a cute box that looks like a book. i get to ask myself, is it worth killing myself for this bad thing that just happened? the answer is often no. as i said, im lucky. i have a person keeping me tethered to this life.

 

[ncmxm]

Yes that's me too

 

[Ambivalent1]

Yeah.

 

[dreamist]

Yeah, this is also me.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

That describes a lot of people. It makes it hard to stay motivated and invested when you run into challenges though because you think "I could/should just nuke my life and not have to deal with this anymore."

 

[Hexus]

I've been on this site for a bit, first I lurked, then I eventually joined, not really dead set on suicide. Now, I've found some sort of meaning but I always know that suicide is an option. It keeps me going somewhat to know that if everything goes to shit, I can always CTB.

Anyone else share this same sentiment, of trying to live but keeping it an option? I am aware this probably isn't a majority of the forum, but I'm sure there's gotta be a few likeminded people here.

Yes. Thats where I have been for quite a while, I have a note prepared and hidden away but I'm trying to find some purpose and hope in my life. If I can't there is still the back-up, honestly I need to get rid of the note because if someone finds it they'll probably get me thrown in a crazy house.

 

[ringo99]

Ready with SN and willing to live only until I'm fired from work.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Yeee I want to die so much bc I want to live so much?

Like if life was a thing in which my personal efforts towards stability and wellness actually amounted to enough then I wouldn't wanna kill myself so much.

But nope life ain't like that. There so many things outside of my control that contribute to my wellness/lack of.

Like I literally need electrolyte supplements just to be able to breathe ok. Those are not cheap nor do I think there's any covered prescription equivalent medication (they could easily make this I feel but nope)

Sooo I'm on here bc I need CTB to be an option bc living sure as hell isn't always looking possible either.

 

[Shoya]

It's me

 

[hana0]

It's been my plan B for years

 

[Sweet Tart]

I've thought about suicide since I was very young, sometimes with more intention than other times. It's always been something I saw as a way things could realistically go. I don't have a date but I have lots of old (and current) psych meds. I also have a chronic physical health condition that could kill me slowly if I stopped treating it or quickly if I massively overtreated it. The key word of course, is "could", and there would be high stakes if I opted for any of these and then changed my mind or it somehow didn't go as expected.

Over the past few years, it's gotten increasingly hard to keep trying to find a way to keep going. I don't have anything in my future to live for except my cat, who may be much more resilient and able to adapt than I am, lol. This give me hope that she'll be ok with whatever happens to me. I truly want my life to get better but my efforts are not going well at all. For the moment, I have a place to live and my basic needs are met. If/when that changes, there will be no reason to keep trying/hoping for things to change for the better.

 

[DonTellMeToStayAlive]

me, hopefully

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I didn't know so many people could relate to me on this, it's both comforting and sad, sad because the world pushed people to this point, where you have it as a plan B.

 

[Unwr!tten]

This is how I function day to day. Knowing I have the option makes me sleep and feel better.

 

[jaxxon_sunn]

Im trying one more time to fix my life, get into college; not dropout. Move to a different place, travel, find a new job. I give myself until next year maybe. If things don't get better, then well…

 

[TapeMachine]

Yes, I will undoubtedly keep my neatly organized box of supplies on hand.

Im going to give life another go. I am not actively suicidal atm. But I will not throw away my backup plan, no way. That shit was hard enough to obtain, and I'll be damned if I have to bother with that hassle again (if I can help it.)

My boyfriend keeps his ctb backup plan on hand too, and I wouldn't dream of ever asking him to throw it away.

*Sometimes* just knowing you have a way out if all else fails is enough to keep surviving for another day or week or whatever. I dunno. Nevertheless, our backup plans remain safe and intact.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Kind of- but I'm not exactly trying to live. I'm reluctantly just trying to hang on because I feel like I can't CTB yet... but yes- I have my method prepared. It's just whether I'll gather the courage together when I feel I can.

 

[Lullaby]

Yeah, this was originally my plan.

Last year, I told myself I'd make an effort; finally got training in a field I love, started taking my medication more consistently for the first time, never missed a day of therapy, started applying to jobs everyday and put in applications for apartments.

Figured I could also CTB in the future, since I always kinda figured it's what I'd end up doing eventually.

All pretty much blew up in my face, and now I'm somehow worse off than I was before I started. Just totally lost all motivation to keep going when it feels like life is actively working against you.

I really commend anyone who tries to fight back at life and attempt recovery; it's hard, but worth trying if you can. I don't really have the strength anymore, myself.

 

[That's Not Me]

I was only able to start giving life another chance when I realized that I could always go back and ctb. Now I am just in that stage of going back, but if you really want to live, it might be a good idea to distance yourself from this forum to succeed.

 

[OceanBlue]

The fact that I delay terrifies me. It's not really "always an option", as you also risk life taking you out unexpectedly or damaging you so severely that you can no longer ctb. It's an unfair risk.

 

[Mortadelo]

Yes, it's me also.

 

[absolomonisgone]

moving into a samll town.... with lots of mountains..in the middle of nowhere. will buy 2 hactares all by myself..., get drunk, drink sn, die.

 

[Qua]

I'm trying to do my best in living everyday since I just can't leave my mom. She wouldn't be able to survive such a thing and I still have a little sister that needs to be taken care of by mentally stable parents. Sometimes I feel like if I even get up from bed I will try to CTB with anything I have around, so I just keep laying untill I'm good enough to take meds. But still, I like to read about all different ways of CTB and write it down so I have an easy access to it if needed. I guess having an option of leaving all this behind is somewhat comforting.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I was only able to start giving life another chance when I realized that I could always go back and ctb. Now I am just in that stage of going back, but if you really want to live, it might be a good idea to distance yourself from this forum to succeed.

Yeah, I've considered it, not deleting my account just in case but signing out for an extended period of time. Right now though, I still am unsure

Yeah, this was originally my plan.

Last year, I told myself I'd make an effort; finally got training in a field I love, started taking my medication more consistently for the first time, never missed a day of therapy, started applying to jobs everyday and put in applications for apartments.

Figured I could also CTB in the future, since I always kinda figured it's what I'd end up doing eventually.

All pretty much blew up in my face, and now I'm somehow worse off than I was before I started. Just totally lost all motivation to keep going when it feels like life is actively working against you.

I really commend anyone who tries to fight back at life and attempt recovery; it's hard, but worth trying if you can. I don't really have the strength anymore, myself.

I'm sorry it didn't work for you, I really wish it did but don't disregard your own strength and endurance. You tried for a long bit and tried hard, that's commendable as well! :)

Im trying one more time to fix my life, get into college; not dropout. Move to a different place, travel, find a new job. I give myself until next year maybe. If things don't get better, then well…

That's pretty much what I'm doing as well, college, moving, then hopefully landing a job in the field I'm going to college for, and hope things get better.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Death is unavoidable, but has suicide ever been an option?

Suicide is a psychiatric disorder. Mental illness selects us; we don't choose them.

You're talking about suicide as if "my life goes to shit" it's OK since I'll ctb. By then, it may be too late, and you will be unable to execute suicide.