Total Imbecile said:
Im talking about being a virgin at 20+ and spending weeks confined in your room with no human contact apart from the closest family members.
Weeks? Come August, it'll be one year since I last stepped outside. Although, that's just par for the course for me really. I can also count on one hand the other people I've very briefly spoken with outside of my mother, father & brother in over this past decade now. And those people were just complete strangers, anyway. Quick example being me going into the dentist to get my teeth cleaned and he robotically asks me how I am today and I just shortly reply that I'm fine. That's it. And even that was years ago now.
Here's just a brief rundown on my situation (which you can find described in more detail by my first few posts here, assuming you're interested that is). Anyway, personally speaking, I'm a textbook hikikomori. Have been for just about 11 years now. I'm also a kissless/holding hands-less/relationship-less virgin, high school dropout (only lasted 6 months before the stress/anxiety got to me), and I haven't had a single friend, either online or off, since very early grade school (although, to be honest, I've never really had any at all, given how I'd always keep everybody at arm's length throughout my life). My total time spent outside in these last 11 years (including time spent in a vehicle) is almost certainly less than 150-200 hours. Hell, I'm straining to even remember the last time I was outside completely on my own, for instance. What's more, I wouldn't exactly say that socializing online is easy for me. As a result, I usually don't tend to post very often. I seem to be getting "better" at it though, at least it seems that way for now. But, let's see what else. Hmm.....well, I've only had one real job in my entire life (outside of being a paperboy with my brother as a little kid) which lasted about two weeks. I briefly worked part-time at a local video store back around early June 2007 just before I became a total hermit, but quit after I couldn't be bothered to get there anymore. I was a pretty big fuck up at that job, though. Let a customer go without paying, accidentally took the store keys home with me because I forgot that they were still in my back pocket, broke the bathroom sink after I was tasked with cleaning the store's popcorn dispenser (etc.) Sometime afterwards though, once I was starting to regret my decision to quit (it was a pretty laid back job all things considered), my mother ended up telling me that, apparently, the manager himself had actually phoned here at one point, in the brief time while I was still working there, and was genuinely curious to know if I had a learning disability, or not. According to my mother, it would seem that he was literally on the verge of firing my ass for gross incompetence, so basically, unbeknownst to myself at the time, me quitting robbed him of the opportunity to do so. But, oh well. I'm just glad I was able to be such a nuisance to the scumbag on my way out the door. Hope he had fun fixing that sink. Prick.
Fortunately, my family has never had any problems with the way I live since becoming like this, and have never berated me to get a job/sort my life out. They both just accepted it. If anything, it's always been my internal critic giving me the most grief (I'm my own worst enemy, and all that crap). Knock on wood, but barring my parents dying or the world ending, I'll probably be able to stay as a hikki for the rest of my life. It's far from a guarantee, but there's also a possibility that my brother could take up the slack of subsidizing my existence after my parents can no longer do so, for whatever reason or another (including death). I suppose I should count myself "lucky" in that regard, but (*sigh…*) I don't know. You be the judge, I guess.
As far as loneliness is concerned, it's a very sporadic sensation for me. To be perfectly honest, for 9 out of these almost 11 years, I didn't get lonely at all. Ever. It's only been these last couple where that useless feeling has started to pester me like a cloud of gnats on a camping trip. Companionship with other humans is simply a fool's errand. I know this and, more than that, I feel it in every cell of my being. So why then, do I also paradoxically feel lonely? I honestly don't know. At this point, I basically look at loneliness mostly as some nebulously annoying bodily function. Like a recurring hemorrhoid of the mind that one just has no choice, but to put up with. At the end of the day, we're all drowning in a vast sea of shit. You're not going to be able to help anybody else and they're not gonna be able to help you. The only end result in any kind of relationship is more needless pain for both parties. It's really that simple. Besides, just like the nice jazzy tune below me says, people = shit, anyway. To put it more eloquently, my ultimate feelings towards other people can be summed up perfectly by Mr. White from the Sunset Limited.
Mr. White 1:
Mr. White 2:
The truth is that the forms I see have been slowly emptied out. They no longer have any content. They're shapes only...a train, a wall, a world, a man...a thing dangling in senseless articulation in a howling void, no meaning to its life, its words. Why would I seek out the company of such a thing? Why?
Every road ends in death, every friendship, every love. Torment, loss, betrayal, pain, suffering, age, indignity, hideous lingering illness...and all of it with a single conclusion for you and every one and every thing you have ever chosen to care for. That is the true brotherhood, the true fellowship. And everybody is a member for life. You tell me that my brother is my salvation? My salvation? Well, then damn him. Damn him in every shape and guise and form. Do I see myself in him? Yes, I do. And what I see sickens me.
Why are you still alive?
Gee, I don't know. Because I'm a fucking worthless, spineless coward, maybe? Why else would I still be here? You, or anyone else here for that matter, are more than welcome to come round and put me in the ground for good. Hell, I'll even pay for the flight. I know you were asking that question to the other guy, but I guess I just felt like chiming in since our situations are so similar. By the way, sorry for being an asshole.