All alone, everywhere all the time. Like Job Joad I go to movies and concerts alone. I'm of an age where I won't make any new friends.
God, that's me. Gifted front row seats to a very popular show and I went alone, feeling like such an ass.
I'd like to have friends but I have too many secrets. People freak when they hear suicide attempt. Or sex worker. I refuse to lie more than I have to just to get through any given day, so unless I can be completely open, it would not be friendship to me.
I once felt totally humiliated at a grocery store chit chatting with a girl who worked there and was always so friendly. I missed my children so much, so so so much, so I often asked about her baby. One day, completely innocent on her part, she said, "You're always here by yourself! Where's your family?" I felt like a freak. So awful. What? I'm going to tell her my family has designated me as the scapegoat? That they laugh about my suicide attempt? That I earn my living with sex work because I made horrible choices for husbands?
I can't. So I go to concerts alone (not that I could right now, anyway, can't get out of bed). Shop alone. Have Xmas dinner alone. (If I even bother) Always always alone. Unless men want to try to use me, and I'm not going there. I don't give away what I sell for a living. Alone. Always.
Its one of the biggest triggers for suicide: isolation, no support network. Yet I can't make myself step out there. I did try, this past summer, after an outdoor womens exercise group ended. There was another woman there who had been friendly all summer, so I got brave and asked if she would want to get together and exercise togetyerk like we had been for three months. The look on her face. My god, knew it easnt me, because it was such a strong reaction and she had been almost too friendly all smjer. But wow, I felt like such a pariah. I want try that again, no thanks.
