Venting Anyone guilty for wanting to CTB, while having a pet?

[kaitekat23]

The only thing I feel like will keep me from actually doing it, is my dog. He's been my life for so long and I just can't fathom what will happen to him after I die. He's my best friend. I've had him for 6 years, he's been my baby. He's protected me, loved me and in some emotional way understands when I am sad. He's the only reason why I feel guilty for wanting to kill myself. Like i genuinely want to die but I want to die knowing he will be taken care of. I don't want him to be given away or worse killed or euthenised. I don't know, I just wish I had someone I trusted to take him, so I can die peacefully.

 

[Passenger01]

Hi there,
I understand this dilemma well. I have two dogs, two cats and a few other nonhumans in my life. My dogs would be ok, the breeder has undertaken to have them back. The cats would likely be rehomed by the vets so i dont feel theyd be harmed by my passage.
Maybe making some steps towards a guarantee - idk where you are in the world but the Dogs Trust have a scheme where you register your dog and if anything happens they take it to be rehomed.
Given the amount of bonding etc it is one of the things that make it harder to ctb.
Its a tough one. Much love.

 

[kaitekat23]

Hi there,
I understand this dilemma well. I have two dogs, two cats and a few other nonhumans in my life. My dogs would be ok, the breeder has undertaken to have them back. The cats would likely be rehomed by the vets so i dont feel theyd be harmed by my passage.
Maybe making some steps towards a guarantee - idk where you are in the world but the Dogs Trust have a scheme where you register your dog and if anything happens they take it to be rehomed.
Given the amount of bonding etc it is one of the things that make it harder to ctb.
Its a tough one. Much love.

With the type of dog he is, he can't be rehomed. He's been with 1 family HIS entire life. I have had since he was 8 weeks old. He's known no other people ever, if he is rehomed; he'll probably be euthanized. As much as I harbor a great DISLIKE for my family, I'd imagine they wouldn't get rid of him. As much as they don't show him attention, they say they love him very much. But it just worries me is all.

 

[helenhopeless]

This is the hardest part for me, mostly because they are the only souls who've never left me, abandoned me, or done anything but love with me with just innocent purity, and I have a moral obligation to love and look after them and protect them from the hardships of the would. I have am their guardian, and their spokesperson, and I would give my life to ensure their happiness and a good life (a;thpiugh I commonly feel like I fail to achieve even this, but I try and try and I do my best by then (something my parents failed to give me).

They really are the only reason to stop me, to make me think twice. I'm grateful beyond believe they found me and I found them, and grateful I have them in my life. But I struggling to give them the best and what I believe they deserve (especially hard with horse as only on livery).

I've updated my will to a trust so anything in my trust will go 100% to their care until the pass away, and I've nominated people I can can just about trust to do the right thing by them.

I have also set a plan that when I die (I would never be discovered, literally no one cares, I will be undiscovered for weeks/months/years. so I have to plan for the pets well-being and plan to send a first class post to my ex with a front door key and a note so he goes straight to feed then, while I have the whole entirely to take SN and CBT.

But leaving them kills me because they're pefect and I don't feel worthy, or I just them so badly sand the universe doesn't give me any breaks to get back to my horse them, however hard I try. I need her so badly, it breaks my heart.

 

[baabbaabbaab]

The only guilt I feel is towards my mom. She does everything she can to save me but can't understand (and I can't blame her) that I can't be saved. Mental damages, PSSD and all that shit : that can't be shared and from the outside, you can't see shit...

 

[Ash’Girl]

Yes. I love my fur babies, I couldn't put it better than @helenhopeless already has in terms of the bond, love and support.

I could rehome them in advance, but I'm selfish and also not entirely sure if/when I'll actually succeed at ctb, and if I don't, I don't want to be without them. I have written extensive instructions on each of their diets, ailments, personalities and needs should I pass - actually if I do leave a note, it'll probably have more instructions in it on how to look after the animals than anything else.

 

[helenhopeless]

Yes. I love my fur babies, I couldn't put it better than @helenhopeless already has in terms of the bond, love and support.

I could rehome them in advance, but I'm selfish and also not entirely sure if/when I'll actually succeed at ctb, and if I don't, I don't want to be without them. I have written extensive instructions on each of their diets, ailments, personalities and needs should I pass - actually if I do leave a note, it'll probably have more instructions in it on how to look after the animals than anything else.

It's so hard isn't it? Someimtes I think they'd be better without me, and other times I can't imagine leaving them without me fighting their corner and protecting them and giving them my love, they've given so much to me, I owe them so much in return, even if I just live for them, regardless of the suffering. My dad is dead, and I keep dreaming about him, asking him for help, I miss him so much

 

[artax]

Yes. I aborted my first attempt years ago because I couldn't stop thinking about abandoning my dog.

 

[underscore_nine]

The only thing I feel like will keep me from actually doing it, is my dog. He's been my life for so long and I just can't fathom what will happen to him after I die. He's my best friend. I've had him for 6 years, he's been my baby. He's protected me, loved me and in some emotional way understands when I am sad. He's the only reason why I feel guilty for wanting to kill myself. Like i genuinely want to die but I want to die knowing he will be taken care of. I don't want him to be given away or worse killed or euthenised. I don't know, I just wish I had someone I trusted to take him, so I can die peacefully.

yeah, i love my cat, i got him before covid and love him so much. I was considering using his insulin (he's diabetic) to CTB but besides people discouraging that method i couldn't risk my cats life. He's been there for me when I had not much else, through my transition even at the worst of times I still believed my cat loved me and he did. Having an animal stop you from CTBing perfectly understandable

 

[Yaffle]

Lost my old girl years ago, she was the love of my life.

My reason for being on SaSu is also the reason I've never had another dog. I couldn't have left her nor any other dog I was to have and love.

 

[AtomicWaffles]

I have had this thought very often, but you have to accept they are animals and would probably forget about you eventually or stop thinking about you as they are just animals. I understand the guilt they could probably be super sad at first but they will most definitely get over it, and I suppose if you want to make sure they are taken care of just see if you can find some service or anything that would be willing to take him which I know you don't really trust as you said but that may be your only option and just tell them you can't afford to take care of them as an excuse, than once they are living with them you can ctb with no worry, obviously make sure the service in question doesn't euthanize them. But this is a hard situation to be in.

 

[10000DaysTooMany]

As others have said this is tough. Ultimately suicide is a selfish decision, I'm willing to accept after I'm gone my cats may have a worse life then they do now. I'm sure one of my grieves would take them in.

 

[killmeplz]

Not guilty but my cat is the sole thing keeping me from doing it. She's the love of my life and sole loving thing who'd be worse off without me. Family wouldn't care. Gf would be better off with someone else but won't admit it. My guilt is wishing my cat would die at times so the last straw keeping me from ctb would break. That thought makes me feel bad as she deserves better.

 

[hopeless08]

The only thing I feel like will keep me from actually doing it, is my dog. He's been my life for so long and I just can't fathom what will happen to him after I die. He's my best friend. I've had him for 6 years, he's been my baby. He's protected me, loved me and in some emotional way understands when I am sad. He's the only reason why I feel guilty for wanting to kill myself. Like i genuinely want to die but I want to die knowing he will be taken care of. I don't want him to be given away or worse killed or euthenised. I don't know, I just wish I had someone I trusted to take him, so I can die peacefully.

I was in the exact same situation 9 years ago when i first had a severe depression and wanted to ctb.I lived alone with my dog, who later passed away at the age of 14, for one year and a half all I thought about was suicide, searching for different methods although I did not find any methods so I couldn't have done it but what was the most heartbreaking thing was imagining what would happen to my dog since I knew they wouldn't find my body for days. Even if I had found a method just the idea of leaving him killed me inside. He was my life,my best friend, my son.he loved me so much unconditionally and through my ups and downs was always there. I felt so much guilt because while I was suffering and unable to do much for him except hug him, I know that he felt my pain.He was so amazingly affectionate and always stuck to me, when I would go to the toilet he would follow me into the bathroom and sit there. He worried about me in an unbelievable way. When I couldn't get out of bed he would come and paw at my bed and if I didn't respond he would literally pull the covers or sheets off of me with his mouth. That was pure love, I would look at him and feel so guilty thinking that I didn't deserve him and suffer more because of that but deep inside me I knew that no matter how little I took him out, no matter how I wasn't able to play with him or go on long walks with him because of the unbearable deep pain I was in, I knew that he would never want to be with another owner. I was his life and he was mine.He was not a dog to me he was my son. I'm bawling as I'm writing this.obviously I didn't ctb and after some time I got better and I always said that my dog saved my life . I felt better for a few years and sadly he passed away 3 years ago. I was absolutely devastated I stayed in bed night and day for six months non stop crying, I felt like I lost part of my heart. Eventually I got better and of course with the curse that I have on me, once again I'm in hell completely suicidal as you guys know. Anyway I still feel so much guilt when I think about how little I was able to do for him, he suffered watching me suffer. He's buried in my back yard but back to my point is I 100% understand what you're feeling and it just makes us feel 1000 times worse. Everyday and every night I speak to him and tell him how much I love him and that I'm so sorry I put him through that and that I know that no matter what all he wanted is to be by my side. God I miss him so much.