I want help. I'm getting help. I have a beautiful life on paper. I'm a professional and so is my husband, we own a nice home, live comfortably, etc. My husband loves me and is supportive. I have friends. I have some family that aren't toxic and my husband's family adores me. We have dogs we adore and have been planning on getting pregnant. I have resources. I have an incredible therapist who is literally the reason I haven't attempted yet. I take medications that do help take the edge off things.
And yet, this past year has just been pain. I mean, as I realize I suffer from complex trauma, it is clear that my whole life has been pain. This past year has put it all in stark relief. I don't want to be here. My life I've built, the help I'm getting, none of it matters in the face of this agony. It's like trying to empty an ocean one spoonful at a time.