Discussion Anyone else want to CTB due to a loved one's suicide?

[NoLightRemains]

My partner killed herself back in July 2020 and it's just been a constant thought since then. Two other friends that were also close to my partner CTB since then also. It feels like it's a contagious disease that I caught also, but is killing me slowly.

I am living with major survivor's guilt that I don't believe I can ever recover from. I feel guilty for my inaction and not trying harder to support my partner, even asking for a small break to try to focus on myself as I was really struggling also. She was dead within a month. I know logically it was her decision, but I feel like I could have at least supported her better.

Now after nearly two years of this my life is still in shambles. I have other reasons for wanting to CTB (lifelong trauma, worsening chronic illness), but these suicides of people close to me is what really put the idea in my mind. I know that they all succeeded with SN and I just want to copy them and die also. I feel like before these deaths, I was able to manage my depression and find some internal will to live, but now that the option of suicide is "real" to me, it never wanders far from my mind.

 

[snail_in_a_garden]

I am with you. My friend ctb in 2020 and ever since I have not felt the same. Her last words were on this site, which is how I found it. I have too much at stake right now to ctb, but it's something I wish I could do. I miss her everyday. This feeling of survivors guilt, and the grief that comes with it is so suffocating. The only thing that stops me is knowing that if I did ctb, I would inherently make my partners life a living hell. I fear the day I lose him, because that is my only anchor. I feel I carry my friends pain with me, an extra weight on my shoulders. But, I also know there was nothing I could have done. She knew months in advance that she would ctb. I apologize as I don't have many uplifting words to offer, but your words resonate with me.
Don't go until you are sure, don't make a choice based on impulse. If there are still things you want to do, or places you want to see, don't go yet. The option will always be there to opt out. The last thing you want is regrets in the midst of leaving. Just make sure you're certain.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I am with you. My friend ctb in 2020 and ever since I have not felt the same. Her last words were on this site, which is how I found it. I have too much at stake right now to ctb, but it's something I wish I could do. I miss her everyday. This feeling of survivors guilt, and the grief that comes with it is so suffocating. The only thing that stops me is knowing that if I did ctb, I would inherently make my partners life a living hell. I fear the day I lose him, because that is my only anchor. I feel I carry my friends pain with me, an extra weight on my shoulders. But, I also know there was nothing I could have done. She knew months in advance that she would ctb. I apologize as I don't have many uplifting words to offer, but your words resonate with me.
Don't go until you are sure, don't make a choice based on impulse. If there are still things you want to do, or places you want to see, don't go yet. The option will always be there to opt out. The last thing you want is regrets in the midst of leaving. Just make sure you're certain.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm sorry you have to carry that weight of your friend's loss with you, it is a lot to bear. I'm happy that you have a partner to keep you going and hope he continues to support you.

I also am only kept going by a desire not to hurt my partner. One day, I hope we are able to find meaning and purpose for ourselves.

 

[Red Scare]

Yes, my husband. Like you, it has completely ruined my life and devastated me. I already suffer with depression and other mental problems, but his death puts me over the edge. I do not want to live without him. Having a loving and supporting spouse was the only good thing in my life that made life bearable, without him, everything sucks.

 

[NoLightRemains]

Yes, my husband. Like you, it has completely ruined my life and devastated me. I already suffer with depression and other mental problems, but his death puts me over the edge. I do not want to live without him. Having a loving and supporting spouse was the only good thing in my life that made life bearable, without him, everything sucks.

it's so hard to recover from a trauma like this when dealing with pre-existing mental illnesses we might have been barely managing before.

How long ago was his death if you don't mind my asking? I try to tell myself my grief will lessen over time but it feels like it really hasn't gotten easier.

 

[Red Scare]

it's so hard to recover from a trauma like this when dealing with pre-existing mental illnesses we might have been barely managing before.

How long ago was his death if you don't mind my asking? I try to tell myself my grief will lessen over time but it feels like it really hasn't gotten easier.

Not even a year. People tell me the same thing, it will get better with time, but it hasn't. I just miss him more and more. I really don't want to live without him....

 

[sadpinky]

May 17 2021 I found my partner CTB and held her in my arms as the paramedics arrived. I tried to resuscitate her but I was not able to. I was too late.

Almost a year later and the flashbacks / intrusive thoughts are worse than ever and I feel as though she's ashamed of me for not following suit. My SN is prepared with one dose already mixed ( to determine how long sn lasts mixed) and one dose ready to be mixed. I'm aiming for the same day she did, only because it's so close to my birthday and I don't want to live another day without her let alone another year. I'll be her age in may, I don't want to be older than her.
I'm just tired.

 

[Red Scare]

May 17 2021 I found my partner CTB and held her in my arms as the paramedics arrived. I tried to resuscitate her but I was not able to. I was too late.

Almost a year later and the flashbacks / intrusive thoughts are worse than ever and I feel as though she's ashamed of me for not following suit. My SN is prepared with one dose already mixed ( to determine how long sn lasts mixed) and one dose ready to be mixed. I'm aiming for the same day she did, only because it's so close to my birthday and I don't want to live another day without her let alone another year. I'll be her age in may, I don't want to be older than her.
I'm just tired.

I know what you mean about the flashbacks and intrusive thoughts... it really fucks with me, especially the nightmares. I feel like I don't deserve to be alive, since he died. I guess some would call that survivors guilt. All I know is I can't live without him.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Not even a year. People tell me the same thing, it will get better with time, but it hasn't. I just miss him more and more. I really don't want to live without him....

I know they mean well, but the people telling you this are wrong.

It doesn't get better - it gets different.

The grief you will always have, but you will learn in time to exist along with it. Some days you will drown in it and other days you will barely feel it. But it will always be there.

I think people setting up an expectation that it will go away unintentionally create a burden for us. We blame ourselves when we cannot "get over" something, when such a thing is not very realistic.

Imagine a large puddle of paint on the ground. Your grief might be something like that. In the beginning, you cannot imagine that you have walked into the paint and have no idea what to do. You get overwhelmed and stuck there. In time, you begin to drag your feet but this moves the paint more than it moves you. One day you will lift your foot up and start to walk out of the paint. It will not be a straight line and you may wander about for a while, trying to reach the edge of the puddle. When you finally arrive there, you will step out. But the paint is on your shoes and leaves marks wherever you go. The more you walk away, the less paint you will carry with you. But as anyone who has ever got paint in the grooves of their athletic shoes knows, you never really get it all out. If you change your shoes, you will find that sometimes you still go back and put those old painted shoes back on. Sometimes for a moment, sometimes for a while. They will always be in the back of the closet, waiting for you.

 

[Lost Magic]

A friend took his life with pills, mother died, uncle died, another childhood friend died a few months ago. This has all happened within 4 years. I'm done! Sorry to hear of your losses as well. None of us deserve this pain. Time has made it more unbearable. It heals fuck all, at least that's the way I feel about it.

 

[NoLightRemains]

May 17 2021 I found my partner CTB and held her in my arms as the paramedics arrived. I tried to resuscitate her but I was not able to. I was too late.

Almost a year later and the flashbacks / intrusive thoughts are worse than ever and I feel as though she's ashamed of me for not following suit. My SN is prepared with one dose already mixed ( to determine how long sn lasts mixed) and one dose ready to be mixed. I'm aiming for the same day she did, only because it's so close to my birthday and I don't want to live another day without her let alone another year. I'll be her age in may, I don't want to be older than her.
I'm just tired.

I'm so sorry you had to find your partner like that. I can relate to feeling like your partner is ashamed of you for not CTB. I feel guilty over my actions to the point I feel like I need to atone with my life. Then some days I feel like I need to endure misery because it's what I deserve. My birthday is coming up soon and I will likely order my SN then. I don't think I can last another year either.

 

[Sherri]

5 years ago because of my nasty breakup with my ex. I tried it around 8-11 over 5 years. Don't even know the exact number. have rockstar deep stiched scars to remember me everyday, can't wait to have a tattoo to hide those. If you ask me now was he worth every drop of blood I bleed for him. Not a chance

 

[sadpinky]

I'm so sorry you had to find your partner like that. I can relate to feeling like your partner is ashamed of you for not CTB. I feel guilty over my actions to the point I feel like I need to atone with my life. Then some days I feel like I need to endure misery because it's what I deserve. My birthday is coming up soon and I will likely order my SN then. I don't think I can last another year either.

I feel the same. most likely won't be here by June