Every night I hope I die in my sleep and wake up scared at the prospect of another day of suffering. It's the worst kind of emotional pain and anguish.
I think a lot of us will relate to you in this. Within the first few seconds of realising I'm conscious and I'm 'me'- yes, there's always a sense of dread. The whole- God- not this again! Another bloody day to get through. Irony is, my aging parents wake up in a certain amount of pain but are just grateful to still be alive. Shame we can't swap.
There's no way in hell I'll live to old age, whether I ctb or not. But yes, I'd swap any day too.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 38,878
I always feel so much dread at waking up and realising that I still exist, it's beyond dreadful to have the ability to exist and all I wish for is to never wake again. I never would have chosen to exist as a conscious being in this cruel and pointless existence where there is endless potential to suffer, I'm tired of being trapped in this existence, only death can bring me peace, the fact that this could potentially continue for decades on end is terrifying to me.
Dusk till dawn
Student
- Sep 7, 2018
- 197
I once had a nightmare when i was with my friends then we departed and i was having fast heartbeats during that dream just from the thought that i'm no longer with them, then i faced my worst fears during that nightmare, we actually departed and i never saw myself then i scolded myself for departing with them, i wake up in a complete state of panic and my mom was already in my room and i wasn't in the mood for her so i just violently kicked her off my room then locked my room and cried in my room thinking i definitely must kill myself as soon as possible, that nightmare just showed me my worst fears and greatest pains and regrets in life, which is loneliness
Optimu$
Death Is Non Negotiable
- May 10, 2024
- 87
It's one of those things where if you have an exit method prepared (like SN) then it can feel easier but if you're unsure or unable to leave the world then I totally get how the groundhog day cycle can be so depressing and draining.
Even with an exit plan like SN, it doesn't really feel easier. There is no guarantee that SN will be peaceful, so the anxiety and worry of being trapped with no guaranteed peaceful way out is still there.
Optimu$
Death Is Non Negotiable
- May 10, 2024
- 87
@Rubypie41 Perhaps, but you'd be surprised how many users on here have said that they have indeed felt better for knowing that it's there.
This. Unfortunately, I waited four years and I wish I had taken it when I had the chance. Oops.
Optimu$
Death Is Non Negotiable
- May 10, 2024
- 87
I just worry about the quality of the SN and didn't ever open it to test it. Got a few decent memories in these past few years but still always felt like I was on borrowed time. Wish I had the courage to use it when I got it.
Agreed, it feels like a relief at first (I have SN in my possession), but then after a while reality sets in and that relief soon disappears. It's a relief when it arrives as it creates a feeling of I now have control in ending my life, but going through with it is a different matter. I'd say the majority here in possession of SN haven't gone through with it. Why is that? Mainly because it's scary as fuck doing it yourself and not been confident on the outcome and peacefulness.
Yes, the idea of it was comforting. Realizing you have to act on it, not fuck it up, risk survival with internal damage, and end up as a blue-skinned, red-eyed corpse makes it a little too real. And the potential for excruciating pain ofc.
Yep, as you say, the idea of it is comforting initially as it makes you feel like you now have a solution. Going through with it is a completely different matter. Nobody really wants to die on their own taking a poison that could make you dizzy, vomit, feel like shit, breathless, panic etc. It's a scary thought. I've had my SN for a good few months, but haven't acted on it due to these fears. If I had Nembutal on the other hand and I knew it was guaranteed to be peaceful, then I would have done it before now, but that's not necessarily the case with SN.
For me, it's the risk of throwing it up or making my health even worse. I wish I was a vet so I could have access to a more guaranteed peaceful method. It really sucks that I'll have to get into a frenzy of suffering to push me over the edge to do something more painful and violent. Heaven forbid I want to go peacefully and without traumatizing anyone.
