Anyone else stuck between investing in themselves and ctb?

[henry22]

I've been at a standstill because I'm not sure if I should keep pushing and invest in myself or if it would better to save that money for my parents since I'll be ctb. A small example: I want to buy an expensive skincare product. But what's the point if I'm planning on ctb? I want to make strides on shaping my career to how I want it to be but, again, what is the point if I'm going to ctb? But I haven't fully decided if I'm going to ctb so I feel stuck on what to do and end up doing nothing. Has anyone else been here? I feel frozen, stuck in limbo.

 

[Source Energy]

Me!

Every day struggle. It's a roller coaster...I have the desire to do so many things for myself, but there is something absolutely soul crushing in my every day life that shows me there is no better way than ctb. I feel drawn stronger and stronger and more and more frequently to my bottle of SN...I know I will give in eventually.

 

[henry22]

Me!

Every day struggle. It's a roller coaster...I have the desire to do so many things for myself, but there is something absolutely soul crushing in my every day life that shows me there is no better way than ctb. I feel drawn stronger and stronger and more and more frequently to my bottle of SN...I know I will give in eventually.

So what do you do? Do you commit to steps that would improve life for future you? Do you stall?
I have developed an illness that has given me a taste of what old age will be like and I don't have the mental strength to witness and experience the unraveling of my body. So I keep thinking I'll be ctb eventually which stops me from doing anything to improve my situation.

 

[Source Energy]

So what do you do? Do you commit to steps that would improve life for future you? Do you stall?
I have developed an illness that has given me a taste of what old age will be like and I don't have the mental strength to witness and experience the unraveling of my body. So I keep thinking I'll be ctb eventually which stops me from doing anything to improve my situation.

I take it one day at a time. I commit to doing my best, considering. I take care of my looks, go to the gym, buy clothes and products that help me look my best and feel better. I have days when I think I'll make it. I have days when I'm in tears and wondering what am I still doing here and why don't I just ctb already, coz it is hopeless. The ratio inclines toward the latter. Sooner or later, I'll call it quits, but until then, I'll live. Well, the kind of "living" feasible, considering... I don't go crazy on savings anymore and try to enjoy myself, but keep a reasonable amount just in case.

 

[unnormal9]

I've been investing in myself every day I continue to wake up not being dead.
I'm not stuck, I'm stuck.

 

[kunikuzushi]

yep! every time I'm about to buy something to improve my life in the long run, I stop and think why am I doing this if I'm not even gonna be alive much longer? more difficult things like exercise or eating healthy, sometimes I just give up completely. then the next week, I'll start exercising again and feeling good for a little just to realize how pointless it is. what a pointless and tiring cycle. I prefer doing things that improve my life in the short run. I'm sorry you're feeling stuck like this too. I hope you can figure out how to make your day-to-day life better and also maybe long term goals if you decide to.

 

[CentreMid]

I've been at a standstill because I'm not sure if I should keep pushing and invest in myself or if it would better to save that money for my parents since I'll be ctb. A small example: I want to buy an expensive skincare product. But what's the point if I'm planning on ctb? I want to make strides on shaping my career to how I want it to be but, again, what is the point if I'm going to ctb? But I haven't fully decided if I'm going to ctb so I feel stuck on what to do and end up doing nothing. Has anyone else been here? I feel frozen, stuck in limbo.

It's the absolute worst. Been stuck there for years, only now regaining the courage to attempt suicide again. Hope you get unstuck soon

 

[henry22]

then the next week, I'll start exercising again and feeling good for a little just to realize how pointless it is.

This. What am I improving my health for? So I can extend my lifespan/healthspan? So I have more years for which I'll be financially responsible for? More time to see my family members die? Like, what is the end goal here? I don't buy the "the point of life is to experience life" thing. It's all meaningless to me.

It's the absolute worst. Been stuck there for years, only now regaining the courage to attempt suicide again. Hope you get unstuck soon

Sorry you feel this way too. It is really quite the pickle!

 

[pickajack]

I sometimes wonder why I keep trying so hard.
But I realized that all my health/fitness/saving for retirement bullshit is actually on-brand.
Even if I do manage to off myself in the future, I wouldn't be able to deal in the moment if I weren't behaving this way.

Even though these behaviors are traditionally considered "future prep", I need them to simply exist in the present.
Makes sense to me anyway.

 

[Source Energy]

I sometimes wonder why I keep trying so hard.
But I realized that all my health/fitness/saving for retirement bullshit is actually on-brand.
Even if I do manage to off myself in the future, I wouldn't be able to deal in the moment if I weren't behaving this way.

Even though these behaviors are traditionally considered "future prep", I need them to simply exist in the present.
Makes sense to me anyway.

Health and fitness is not only to prolong your life. It is so you don't suffer even more while you are still here. At least, for me, it is so. While you are in pain, you wish not to be, even if you want to ctb. Taking care of yourself prevents that.

Retirement savings - yeah, ease up on that, but keep a minimum amount just in case. What if an unexpected good thing turns your life around and you stay? You will be sorry you didn't.

 

[stermc]

I guess that if you are still alive and not sure when or if you are ctbing, working on yourself is valid (if you manage to do it). You won't be losing anything either way. If you ctb, then you are dead and nothing really matters; if/while you are still alive, things are "bearable" at least.

Trying to make the most of it while and if you can and till you can.

 

[Goghni]

Dealing with similar problems. I've managed to give up eating healthily and exercising, so I eat less and cheaply which helps with my investment into the tools for kicking the bucket, and hopefully for some spare change if I don't have the courage to follow through right away.

 

[murmur]

this kind of thought comes up for me often in my daily humdrum, my end is up in the air but im ready to go in as short of a week once I'm set on a method. Even before i was at all confident in my decision to ctb, in a weird way ive always entertained the possibility that i could meet my end sooner than i could ever expect, haha i even drew up my will in middle school. now that i have my sights on dying, i guess that sentiment shows in my actions now more than ever.
i prefer the bare minimum when it comes to recreational things and i try not to neglect my basic needs, this would be the parts of health i can control (sustenance, hygiene, physical activity), giving up on basic stuff like that just make me feel like shit and i feel more than enough of that from things out of my control. everything else i do is in accordance with an assumption that i wont be needing/enjoying it for more than week, even if its not even close to the case. honestly i find more comfort thinking like that then i ever did being prepared to live another year or something. sometimes i still want to finish a few projects or even start some that i know is gonna take a long time to complete, im learning to accept that ill never be satisfied in that sector for as long as i live so really it doesn't matter where i put the metaphorical pen down for good.

 

[Little_Suzy]

The same here! Anhedonia is the most serious consequence of depression.

It's like trying to keep your footing in quicksand

Everything is now accumulating dust, including my healthy bank account, my aspirations, and my drive to continue.

If you ever want to talk, PM me. I'm relieved to see that not everyone on this site is a doomsayer!

 

[numbnesshuman]

Same. I think this is one of the challenging times to us. I'm struggling everyday - should I continue my master degree or save that tuition money for my parents??? Should I just ctb ASAP and let people around me accept the truth that I have depression???? Should I just leave and go travel instead of doing my research before ctb?????

 

[enigma97]

I've been at a standstill because I'm not sure if I should keep pushing and invest in myself or if it would better to save that money for my parents since I'll be ctb. A small example: I want to buy an expensive skincare product. But what's the point if I'm planning on ctb? I want to make strides on shaping my career to how I want it to be but, again, what is the point if I'm going to ctb? But I haven't fully decided if I'm going to ctb so I feel stuck on what to do and end up doing nothing. Has anyone else been here? I feel frozen, stuck in limbo.

Hi, first time posting. I understand this feeling. It's like, what's the point? It's to the point where I do t want to try and better my life. I'm only prolonging my suffering. I could get up, workout, eat right, do all the things I'm supposed to do to "make me feel better", but why? Everyone always says, life sucks and it will always be like this… then why bother?

 

[greenwitch]

Me too. Every time I buy a piece of clothing I'm wondering "Am I not suicidal anymore? Why bother?". And there's almost...guilt? Like I'm wasting resources for no reason

 

[woh6]

Ahh yeah. Not investing money-wise but for me investing in my school and responsibilities. If I'm having a bad day where my suicide ideations are very strong, I won't care to do things like studying for a test or doing an assignment. What would it matter if I die anyways? I end up not doing anything, so then I feel fear and regret for not having done my work. It makes me fall behind, which leads to anxiousness and sadness regarding school (which leads to missing more of it..) and it goes on into a sad endless cycle. Sorry for little rant. I wish you well though.

 

[zeldalover]

I feel this too. I keep trying to get myself to exercise but like what's the goddamn point if I'm going ctb at some point? Maybe not immediately, but I'm not planning on living much past my 30s if at all. And yet I still struggle with this decision. My point is I completely feel you. It's hard.

 

[OceanBlue]

So what do you do? Do you commit to steps that would improve life for future you? Do you stall?

I decided not to invest: not to start big projects, not to buy too many things. Some purchases are alright, but not the ones I'd keep for a long time. However, I have this lack of motivation bc life is finite and death can come at any moment, so your question is valid even if you weren't planning on ctb.

I think you should decide how many more years you'd like to spend here and then make decisions based on that. Let's say.. you decide you want to live another 10-20 years, then you make plans that will take you that far, that's enough time for a degree, but then you don't have to worry about pension. You can always update the span according to current circumstances, but live as if you can reach it, I think it's called 'going concern' in finance. (pro-living option is not a guarantee, even if you don't plan to ctb, you can still die any time - living always has this element of hope/luck)

 

[RedHotRage]

It's a dilemma sometimes, yeah. Especially when suicidal thoughts get in the way of working towards my goals, which then only worsens them...

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Yes I feel the same-I could get some minor cosmetic procedures, lose a bit of weight, get a make-over and then go be social and have a semblance of a life but I feel like that ship has sailed and can I even be bothered, is there any point at my age with barely any family left to watch me succeed in anything anyway?

You're probably A LOT younger than me though and only you know your reasons for wanting to CTB in the first place and if those reasons are fixable. You sound like you've got lots of ideas on how to possibly improve your life though so you might as well go for it. Why not put CTB out of your mind and tell yourself you can revisit that option in 6 months or a year? Then just do all you can to focus on improving your life. If it doesn't work at least you gave it your best shot, getting stuck in limbo will likely make you feel worse and you can't get the time back. Wish you luck!

 

[leftdreaming]

I'm investing in myself (not by choice) and going to ctb.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I alternate back and forth.

 

[animetal]

Same here , it's such a push and pull for me . I had recently bought a skateboard to try as a new hobby but then I think to myself why am I doing this if I'm going to be ctb soon, but then I think there's still a little bit of hope and. I want to do things still , but then I'm also deep down I know things most likely won't get better in my case atleast