Anyone else struggling with some hope things could change when they won’t? Hope is cruel

[pphelpme]

Some hope is seeping back into my life. Hope is a fucking four letter word. Nothing will change that I'm going blind and can't handle that but some days I believe it could be different and then I'm crushed when something happens that reminds me that life is cruel. And I want out. I tried but failed to cbt a few months ago and now after joining this site I am depressed by how hard it is to successfully cbt!!!!!

Anyone else pissed at how hard it is to cbt (like how hard it is to source SN!) and how fucked up it is to think that shitty things will change?

 

[FuneralCry]

Hope can often just lead to more suffering. Losing hope can be very painful. I am personally glad that I have no hope. It hurts me that it is so difficult to ctb. All I want is to leave this world. It is cruel how the society expects us to suffer for decades and tries to force us to live. We all deserve the option of a peaceful exit at a time of our own choosing. I am still alive because of the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure. I am so tired of living. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[SpaceCadet]

Some hope is seeping back into my life. Hope is a fucking four letter word. Nothing will change that I'm going blind and can't handle that but some days I believe it could be different and then I'm crushed when something happens that reminds me that life is cruel. And I want out. I tried but failed to cbt a few months ago and now after joining this site I am depressed by how hard it is to successfully cbt!!!!!

Anyone else pissed at how hard it is to cbt (like how hard it is to source SN!) and how fucked up it is to think that shitty things will change?

I'm sorry for your eye it must be tough to face that, sometimes hope keeps us fighting for a better life, but when the fighter in us dies then it becomes a hopeless situation.

 

[LoneMisery]

Every day little by little im losing hope. Ive been confined in my room not saying a word to my family. Im hoping it gets nicer out in the next few weeks so i can find a place to ctb.

 

[Crazy4u]

Hope is the worst thing ever especially when you know it is fake. For me, it is a bigger problem than si. If I fail to ctb, it would be the main reason

 

[Of The Universe]

Nope. I'm done. Just trying to accept ctb.

 

[unworthy_]

Yes. Hope it what giving me some reason to live. Trying and hoping
You run out it. You cant live the way as expected

I hav been feeling very lonely even though I have a family. I am 35y now. I wasted my entire life with a low pay job, no savings, botched surgery on my eye leaving me deformed, unattractive my entire live..

I need a lot of money to fix my face. Because of my low paying job, I couldnt even afford a single surgery. I tried applying loan just for this purpose but was rejected due to the nature of my job and being low pay. Even if my loan is approved, i have to spend my entire life living frugally to repay the loan. Even I got the money, the possibility of another botch surgery is high. I have no luck in getting things done successfully ever. I'd be wasting the money and repay it while getting botched. A vicious cycle.

I'd be too old. whats the point of hoping ? What is my expectation ? I find no reason in everything I do now. Everything I do has no reason. It gives me no reason. It is meaningless. Might as well end my life. I have been coming here every now and then to muster my courage to end it. Its my family that is making me to reconsider living for a while. But I truly have enough. I cant live a life like this anymore. Im tired of living for them. Being stuck in this life, this environment, this body. I often feel so frustrated, distress every day especially around this time. I cant even focus on my job.

 

[softfuzzyman]

Yes... the fall is a worse suffering than just being at rock bottom. I've been severely suicidal since about 8/9yo, and have spent the overwhelming majority of my life consistently being suicidal on some level. The periods of not feeling suicidal at all have been extremely few and extremely short. I'm coming off one now, a period of hope, I couldn't believe it was still possible and I seriously took it for granted, god it was so good but I wish I had never had it at all because naturally life has gone to shit again and the last year and a half of progress I'd fought tooth and nail for is hurtling away and I can feel myself plummeting again in real time at terminal velocity and I'm so fucking scared and in so much pain, it's so much worse than just being stationary at rock bottom.