Anyone else pretty much always wanted to ctb?

[sweetbraid]

Definitely. If I'm being honest, I can't remember much of my life before the age of 12. I'm assuming my deteriorating memory is depression/anxiety related, at least that's what my psychiatrist thinks. But from what I can remember, I've never been a happy child. I've been pessimistic and angry my whole life. As others on this thread have said, I played the "I'll never make it past __ years old," game. And then I always end up making it lmao.

not remembering much of your life before age 12 is a very common symptom of trauma, i didnt remember much of anything before age 12 until a year ago, when i did a bunch of weird memory-recovery therapy (sort of hypnosis, but sort of). I relate to this so hard

 

[Aeathelina]

Since the age of 10 I always felt that I was gonna die by my own hands. Life dealt me a shitty hand with birth defects and a family who was too selfish to care about mental health.
Used to tell myself I would die at 18...then 21 and now at 26 and homeless this will probably be my last year.
I have tried three times but I didn't stick .
I can relate to that too much. My family claims I smiled a lot as a child but I don't remember . My only memories are painful ones so I block them out.

Definitely. If I'm being honest, I can't remember much of my life before the age of 12. I'm assuming my deteriorating memory is depression/anxiety related, at least that's what my psychiatrist thinks. But from what I can remember, I've never been a happy child. I've been pessimistic and angry my whole life. As others on this thread have said, I played the "I'll never make it past __ years old," game. And then I always end up making it lmao.

 

[Makko]

As far back as I can remember, but the reason was always that I was (am?) curious about the afterlife. When I was a kid I thought that when I die, I'll become an immortal spirit who could go to outer space and explore the stars.

Still alive because I've learned to delay gratification.

 

[CatabolicSeed]

Since I started middle school, so over 10 years.

 

[Wrennie]

I was hospitalized for expressing suicidal thoughts as early on as 10 years old. I used to bash my head against the wall in the naive hope that it would trigger a blood vessel to burst inside my brain and kill me.

 

[mlmc045]

Yeah, the earliest I can remember is age 11, but sometimes I think it might have been earlier. I don't really remember my childhood except a few kinda traumatic memories from when I was really small. I didn't expect to make it past 15 max, but here I am at 23. The thoughts were generally passive over the years, and I kept busy. Always thought I'd stick around to not make my family and friends sad. Every birthday makes me feel like a failure, except the one time I was 'glad to be alive' and survive all the things since the one before, but then things got much worse that year. I have achieved many things over the years, but things have been going downhill over the past few year years and I've been exponentially more suicidal. I have a beautiful life, so much to be grateful for but I still wish I was dead. I wish I could see a future for myself, and sometimes I get glimmers of hope, but they never last long. Sending love your way, sorry life's been so tough on you

 

[Shades of Grey]

I can remember being four or five, opening the bottle of knock-off Flintstones vitamins stashed on top of the fridge, and wondering whether or not one would get sick enough to die if they took enough of them. Sometimes I would pop a couple of extras in secrecy. The actual ideation started a few days before my eighth birthday. It was intermittent then. I've been chronically suicidal since I was seventeen. Most days, I think seriously about ending my life. Some days it's a whisper, others it's a scream. Sometimes the screaming lasts for months before it relents somewhat, but it never goes away. I'm in my late thirties now.

Dysthymic kid here, too... among other things. I wasn't formally diagnosed until I was much older, but I've never been wired right. Something was clearly "off" even in infancy. I can remember the day when things suddenly changed. I was four. It was March. I can still tell you what I was wearing that day.

 

[L951788]

On and off since 15 years old. At 15 one night before school I took a very large amount of acetaminophen. Still got up, skipped a relative's funeral, and went to school. Threw up at school then came home and threw up 13 more times until I was dry heaving. With the amount I took and how long it was in my system before puking, doctors have said I was lucky to make it. I view it as unlucky to make it but oh well. God I hate this life. I don't wanna be here. Wish that attempt would've worked.

 

[wanttodie]

yes for the last 20 years or more

 

[WornOutLife]

As long as I can remember, I've wanted to ctb since I'm 12. (I'm 33 now, damn, it's been 21 years!)

 

[BandAddict]

I remember wishing I was dead around age 7. I remember locking myself in the bathroom one time and staring at the floor for maybe 20 minutes, thinking "I wish there was someone I could talk to for when I feel like this." I didn't realize the weight of my thoughts until later on, but that was around the time I started hurting myself, too. Around age 8 I had this idea that I wouldn't live past 16. 16 for sure, I thought. I kept hoping that I'd die in some freak accident before then because I never had the guts to do anything especially dangerous. I turned 16 five years ago and it's just felt like everything is so wrong. I didn't plan for this shit.

 

[LittleBabyNothing]

As long as I can remember, I've wanted to ctb since I'm 12. (I'm 33 now, damn, it's been 21 years!)

i'm the same age, 34 next month, just too tired to fight it anymore.

 

[alpacasuitcase]

As soon as I learned how to write I was writing goodbye notes lmao

I know that cause I found a bunch in my first diary. My earliest memories of it are when i was ~7

 

[mattymate]

It started 25 years ago, when I was 15, and it's been on anf off ever since.

 

[_Kaira_]

Since 7th grade. Roughly at 13 years old.

 

[Avyn]

It started when I was around 11-12 for me

 

[ashedout]

My first memory of being suicidal is my 10th birthday. I thought making it a decade was pretty good all things considered! Now I'll be 30 this year and I don't know how I've survived this long...

 

[Trans Magus]

My mother tells me I've been suicidal since I was four. Four. I've been severely mentally ill for a very long time and poverty certainly didn't help matters. My parents have made incredibly shitty decisions throughout my life - my father would pay tithing rather than buy basic necessities, for instance. It's just an incredibly awful cocktail of both terrible circumstances and terrible genetics.

I hate my parents for putting me through this.

 

[Fthis]

I remember wishing I was dead at around 7 years old. First attempt at age 8.

 

[lofticries]

Since 6 I've wanted to disappear into thin air and around that age was thinking/daydreaming about my funeral rather than my wedding or anything like that. I really wanted to become a ghost at that time. It didn't get to the nitty gritty until 11 where I kept on thinking/hoping to be run over by my school bus.

 

[ProfessionalFailure]

Honestly im not sure whether i always knew, I think I definitely always felt the issues i had but by middle school whether or not i could vocalize it at the time I had already decided that I was too tired to do much except die it was only a matter of how long I could last doing nothing so it almost instantly became a self fulfilling prophecy that I basically trapped myself in
Being from a very lower class family definitely limited my opportunities enough to make justifying my lack of future incredibly easy to rationalize very early on at the very least

 

[wanttodie]

yes i have wanted to die for over 20 years

 

[kukukoko]

I've been depressed since I was 13 and had my first suicidal thoughts at the same time. But back then they were more passive like "I wish I was never born" or "I wish I'd become sick/car accident would happen" etc etc

over time they turned into plans and then into actions like trying knots and practising etc.

I had a noose around my neck a couple of times but I never really tried, so I never had an attempt. What is a lil bit weird lol

 

[Trisolaris]

For me it came and went since I was 17 but in the past year or so it has been constant and strong.

 

[929er]

yeah, my whole life, since i was like 8. i go through periods i can ignore it, and then i go through periods in which ctb is all that's on my mind. I'm so close this time because I'm actively planning more seriously. I'm honestly surprised i got to 20 because i thought I'd barely get to 15. i really hope i finally find the perfect way this month because i can't bare the thought of going on living any longer.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Nah, started to become passively suicidal only five years ago. The tyrannical DNA didn't really start the torture until puberty was finished.

 

[Aelana]

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was a child, it's nothing new. ‍

 

[FuneralCry]

When I was really young I didn't think of suicide but I have never liked living, it just has never seemed right to me being alive. I have always hated the idea of old age. I have wanted to ctb for a long time since I was a teenager, death has always comforted me.

 

[UKscotty]

Yep, since I was a kid, always wanted to be dead.

 

[brokenwaves]

i think i always had a predisposition for melancholy. that mixed with the traumas i endured all through my life, and now i don't even remember what it feels like to not be suicidal…if there was ever even a time in my life like that.