Venting Anyone else just hate their body?

[BloomingStrella]

I hate my body and my face so much. Every time I look at myself in a mirror I start crying uncontrollably, and I think I've developed a fear of mirrors. It's made me cut myself up like some maniac. Recently, I was involuntarily admitted to a psych ward because apparently I was deemed "a danger to myself" due to the cuts all over my face and body. It was the worst 7 days of misery in my entire life. I desperately wanted to mutilate myself, but they assigned a special nurse to keep an eye on me almost 24/7 to make sure I didn't try anything.

The only time I had to myself was 5 minutes that they allowed every 2 hours for bathroom breaks. I felt like I wasn't meant to be in my own skin, as if I was some intruder to my own body. My privacy was violated constantly, and if you said anything about it, they told you you were "resisting therapeutic procedures and hindering your wellbeing due to emotional distress" and added more days. I lied desperately and made lots of false promises just to get out of there as fast as I possibly could. It was so hard to feign a smile when all I wanted was to strangle them (in a non harming way).

On the way home from that infernal institution, I bought myself a razor blade and immediately started cutting myself. It felt so extraordinarily good, I thought I was actually going insane. Somedays, I really just wish I could dismember myself, then at least my disgusting body could be of some use. Alas, I am forced to live with this abhorrent disease called my body.

Does anybody else struggle with their body image or wish it could be different somehow?

 

[StolenLife]

Yes. I hate my frizzy hair and how much older I look even though I'm only 23. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much and that you went through that hell in the hospital.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Sorry for your pain. I hate the way I look. I have always been fugly.

 

[BloomingStrella]

Yes. I hate my frizzy hair and how much older I look even though I'm only 23. I'm sorry that you are suffering so much and that you went through that hell in the hospital.

I look a lot older than I am, too. I have really dark circles under my eyes due to my insomnia not letting me sleep properly. I look like an old man at 19 years old. It's really frustrating.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Given the fact that i am male and not female, absolutely. I hate the male anatomy and i'd rather be dead.

 

[Lamentice]

I view my body as parasitic prison and am not very fond of it.. ideally I wouldn't have a body at all, I don't want one.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

Yeah pretty much. Had an ED years ago and still have some self hatred as a result

 

[BloomingStrella]

I view my body as parasitic prison and am not very fond of it.. ideally I wouldn't have a body at all, I don't want one.

That makes two of us. I wish I could dispose of my parasitic prison; however, due to recently getting out of a psych ward, everything I do is closely watched.

 

[wanttodie]

yes i do

 

[Sito]

Hello!
New and chiming in.
I also can't stand my body.
I'm small, weak, and can't keep weight on no matter how I eat.
I'm 5'4 and 120 lbs and when your a cis male it makes you feel worthless.
No matter how much I workout or balance my diet I remain small and weak.
I have physically been taken advantage of in my life and its made me violent.
My family (especially my father) has always chastised my for being this way.
It like he still loves his son, but he hates what kind of son he got.
I hate it.

 

[Georg]

Yes and I think most users here do.

 

[I wish I were a cat]

Yes, I have wide shoulders and tiny boobs..hardly any curves but 5 foot 10ish so I just feel like an manly giant most the time.

 

[Rocinante]

My opinion on my looks(facially) fluctuates throughout the week. Some days I will feel confident about my looks, and other days I wish I could get surgery.
As for body, no complaints whatsoever. Being lean is life

 

[WokenDier]

Yes, i am a fat fuck.

 

[palesky]

yes, sometimes its unbearable to the point id rather just never go outside my room or ever look at myself in the mirror.

 

[BloomingStrella]

Hello!
New and chiming in.
I also can't stand my body.
I'm small, weak, and can't keep weight on no matter how I eat.
I'm 5'4 and 120 lbs and when your a cis male it makes you feel worthless.
No matter how much I workout or balance my diet I remain small and weak.
I have physically been taken advantage of in my life and its made me violent.
My family (especially my father) has always chastised my for being this way.
It like he still loves his son, but he hates what kind of son he got.
I hate it.

Welcome! Hope you can find insight on a lot of things through this website, and some comfort. I'm sort of similar, my metabolism works really fast, and I can never gain any significant weight. No matter how much I try to work out and eat, my ribs still show when I lift my shirt up. I'm sorry your family's the way they are with you. We can't control our terrible bodies, yet we get chastised and ridiculed for it. It really sucks.

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course I do, in fact I refer to the human body as being a flesh prison that is destined to decay and cause us to suffer a great deal in the process. For me the problem doesn't lie in the image of it, but rather I despise the sensation of having to exist, of being trapped inside this prison because we are simply slaves to it, we are slaves to our suffering and our needs, we cannot escape from ourselves and our thoughts, the human body requires needs to be fulfilled in order to avoid more torment which to me is something so unnecessary and tiring. I get tired of having to feed this flesh prison and I just despise feeling so trapped, I see the existence of life as being a horrifying mistake and it's tragic how the human species evolved.

This flesh prison repulses me as it can torment us in an unlimited amount of ways and cause us to experience unbearable pain at any moment, but yet still not cause us to cease existing, because as humans we are all programmed to survive and it's like the survival instinct exists to prolong torture and keep us trapped here. And no matter the appearance of the flesh prison, I would always be disgusted by it, I always see it as being preferable to not exist. It's inevitable that no matter the person it will eventually deteriorate from age and become into an unbearable prison that only death can offer relief from, I see so much beauty in the thought of permanently not existing and being free from this nightmarish burden, to exist truly is something hopeless.

 

[enough of this]

Me. Age, injuries and medical malpractice have left their mark. CTB will be such a relief.

 

[tarabole]

I have always struggled with eating disorders and unhappiness around my appearance but becoming chronically ill has taken things to another level where I feel like my body is my enemy and not my home.

 

[BloomingStrella]

I have always struggled with eating disorders and unhappiness around my appearance but becoming chronically ill has taken things to another level where I feel like my body is my enemy and not my home.

I really don't understand how some people can call their body a "sanctuary" when it's probably the worst thing that's happened to us, apart from being born, of course. I also dislike eating. I just have a small appetite though, not really ED. I get made constantly fun of for being so skinny, and for all the scars on my body from sh. "I can't believe you're so weak mentally that you've resorted to mutilating yourself"; words never hurt this much before. What chronic illness do you have, if you don't mind me asking?

 

[tarabole]

I have several gastro illnesses that cause chronic pain. The surgeries and various treatments I have tried have not had any meaningful improvements. I have a high level of fatigue and can't really live a normal social life and this has led to severe depression. Kind of you to ask.

I have a sibling who used to self harm and I recall our parents being furious about it when it was an indication that they were struggling. I am sorry you've not been met with more compassion around that.

 

[BloomingStrella]

I have several gastro illnesses that cause chronic pain. The surgeries and various treatments I have tried have not had any meaningful improvements. I have a high level of fatigue and can't really live a normal social life and this has led to severe depression. Kind of you to ask.

Thank you for sharing. You're kinder for wanting to share such a distressing illness with a stranger on the internet, such a big part of your life. I really hope you can feel better someday.