Anyone else is self-sabotaging itself? Not taking care of health, waiting for a disease to force you to go once for all?

[BrokenByTheSystem]

26M. I'm extremely low on Vitamin D and probably other dozens of issues. I made my blood exams last year and some things were off. I look at it an just thought "honestly, fuck it, it's not even worth it anymore", then instead of going after medicines I'm just ignoring it.

It's dumb you may think, I just have no strength to help supporting this life. And at the same time I have no courage to end it. So I'm on this dilemma, not knowing exactly what to do to end this all.

So since mid of last year I'm kind of living the bare minimum to keep me alive. I went from 84KG (185 pounds) to 72KG (158 pounds). Eating just because it feels bad to not eat.

I'm kind of rotting on my bedroom. Waiting for my death.

I know, I've heard a lot about methods and methods and there are dozens of things to make so I can end my life once for all relatively painless, but something just doesn't allow me, very deep on my instincts just won't let me do it.

My theory is that if somehow I get some disease or even cancer, my brain will start balancing the options better and suicide will become a more viable option, so my instincts will somehow agree with that, giving me the courage to try some method instead of waiting for a painful death by disease or cancer.

 

[unluckysadness]

I feel the same because I know I'll get diabetes and other diseases with time (my last blood test was not good) but I continue to eat junk food and sugar (I think I'm addicted). I also have severe sleep apnea and I don't use the CPAP machine anymore, so I have more chances to die from a disease. In my mind, if I have the official diagnosis of diabetes, I'm going to kill myself because too much is too much, and maybe my brain will reduce the strenght of my SI ??

Sadly I have a disability that don't kill (cervical dystonia). I know another guy who has this rare disease and we both agree that we'd prefere a lethal disease instead of this insane cruel condition.

When you say "waiting for my death", it's exactly what I feel the whole day. I'm older than you (43) but my body could still live 40 more years so I wish I was 80 or 90. But being that old is awful too (I remember my 2 grandmothers - they had suicidal thoughts too at the end of their lives).

 

[Quietist]

Kinda-sorta.

But it's like I have this hope for a miracle healing, or that I could utilize magick to change my life, or manifestation. It's a sick game, this internal suffering of oscillating between hope and determination to overcome, and then defeatism and desiring to get to a point of such desolation that I just don't care about dying anymore.

I no longer have access to the method I was going to use, so contemplating the exit isn't as easy now.

 

[l1ablemistakes]

I actually just found a lump in my neck and scheduled an appointment praying it's cancer. I know it's probably not but god it would make things so much easier. I could just refuse treatment. Or even if I did treatment I think people would understand if I killed myself. But I know I won't be they lucky. It's probably benign.

If not now I'll probably experience liver or lung problems soon. I don't exactly live a healthy lifestyle, let's just say

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm walking a fine line really. Letting a lot of things go. I'm so lazy now. I don't eat properly, don't exercise, don't take care of my living environment, care less when I don't have work.

My blood pressure was quite high when my GP asked for a reading. They wanted a week's worth of readings but I refused. I don't need a doctor to tell me I'm overweight, unfit and it's starting to affect things. It wouldn't surprise me if I have sleep apnea and early onset diabetes. I have some of the symptoms.

That said- I feel like I need to remain alive while my Dad is and, I also need to support myself. So- there are limits to how far I can let things slip. I also need to be well enough to kill myself eventually- the irony.

So- if anything, I'm making some effort to do more at the moment to try and grasp some things back. It's such a headache though. Trying to maintain a life you don't even want to begin with. It feels so stupid really but then emotionally- it feels like the only thing I can do.

 

[OnMyLast Legs]

36M here. I ate like a third of a bowl of soup yesterday. I've stopped cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry. I shower maybe twice a week. I spend the whole day on my phone. Everything hurts to do. My weight is dropping, but I started big. Maybe I've gone 220 to 200 in my depression. It would be a long time before I starved.

I reached the point of suicide and...stayed alive. It's just cowardice. I didn't have the guts to buy a gun, I probably couldn't use it anyway. Although it only takes one second of courage one time. I have partial hanging at hand but we all know how hard that is.

 

[raikko]

I feel the same because I know I'll get diabetes and other diseases with time (my last blood test was not good) but I continue to eat junk food and sugar (I think I'm addicted). I also have severe sleep apnea and I don't use the CPAP machine anymore, so I have more chances to die from a disease. In my mind, if I have the official diagnosis of diabetes, I'm going to kill myself because too much is too much, and maybe my brain will reduce the strenght of my SI ??

Sadly I have a disability that don't kill (cervical dystonia). I know another guy who has this rare disease and we both agree that we'd prefere a lethal disease instead of this insane cruel condition.

When you say "waiting for my death", it's exactly what I feel the whole day. I'm older than you (43) but my body could still live 40 more years so I wish I was 80 or 90. But being that old is awful too (I remember my 2 grandmothers - they had suicidal thoughts too at the end of their lives).

Same.. everyone in my family has diabetes, I eat a lot, I just don't get fat because of my metabolism or something. Once I'm diagnosed, maybe that'll give me my reason to kill myself

 

[DoomsdayCTB]

I've lost my appetite. I'll still drink water, but I'm sure I'll be gaunt in a few weeks.

 

[dreamofnofuture]

I've considered this, but decided against doing so in the recognition that it'll likely take years or decades to develop a chronic condition just for it to take months or years to end me in a slow, uncomfortable decline of health while I can't think straight or, at the very least, use my brain to its prior capacity. In that time, I feel like anybody would wish that they hadn't done what they did to get themselves to that point, even if they do want to die, because experiencing a disruptive physical state during illness would suck. It rarely kills people quickly, and even quick in terminal conditions terms means days to weeks of mental distress and physical unease.

If I'm gonna die by my hands, it'll be peaceful or in seconds to minutes hopefully. Not a plethora of illnesses that take away my ability to do anything for months. It sounds bearable until you're in it, then it isn't when you are.​

I feel the same because I know I'll get diabetes and other diseases with time (my last blood test was not good) but I continue to eat junk food and sugar (I think I'm addicted). I also have severe sleep apnea and I don't use the CPAP machine anymore, so I have more chances to die from a disease. In my mind, if I have the official diagnosis of diabetes, I'm going to kill myself because too much is too much, and maybe my brain will reduce the strenght of my SI ??

Sadly I have a disability that don't kill (cervical dystonia). I know another guy who has this rare disease and we both agree that we'd prefere a lethal disease instead of this insane cruel condition.

When you say "waiting for my death", it's exactly what I feel the whole day. I'm older than you (43) but my body could still live 40 more years so I wish I was 80 or 90. But being that old is awful too (I remember my 2 grandmothers - they had suicidal thoughts too at the end of their lives).

If only we could trade lives with people who have lethal diseases. The irony. We're cursed to live, and they're cursed to die while longing to be people whose bodies work properly (or work at all).

 

[starboy2k]

I stopped taking my HIV meds over a year ago, I am literally vitamin deficient no matter what kind, and I think I definitely have diabetes now (my diet is so shitty lol) and I literally could give a fuck at this point.

I can't wait until my body starts breaking down like Jenga blocks so I can finally go through with hanging myself

 

[BrokenByTheSystem]

I stopped taking my HIV meds over a year ago, I am literally vitamin deficient no matter what kind, and I think I definitely have diabetes now (my diet is so shitty lol) and I literally could give a fuck at this point.

I can't wait until my body starts breaking down like Jenga blocks so I can finally go through with hanging myself

I'm doing the same. My vitamin D is pretty much near zero, I did some tests a few years ago and it was extremely low, still, I decided to not take any supplement or anything since then.

Honestly fuck it. I don't have balls to end this so I'll just wait a terminal disease. I know this sound stupid and dumb, I don't care, I can't finish my life with my own hands.

 

[PanaxMan]

26M. I'm extremely low on Vitamin D and probably other dozens of issues. I made my blood exams last year and some things were off. I look at it an just thought "honestly, fuck it, it's not even worth it anymore", then instead of going after medicines I'm just ignoring it.

It's dumb you may think, I just have no strength to help supporting this life. And at the same time I have no courage to end it. So I'm on this dilemma, not knowing exactly what to do to end this all.

So since mid of last year I'm kind of living the bare minimum to keep me alive. I went from 84KG (185 pounds) to 72KG (158 pounds). Eating just because it feels bad to not eat.

I'm kind of rotting on my bedroom. Waiting for my death.

I know, I've heard a lot about methods and methods and there are dozens of things to make so I can end my life once for all relatively painless, but something just doesn't allow me, very deep on my instincts just won't let me do it.

My theory is that if somehow I get some disease or even cancer, my brain will start balancing the options better and suicide will become a more viable option, so my instincts will somehow agree with that, giving me the courage to try some method instead of waiting for a painful death by disease or cancer.

I'm basically doing that now (and just in case things get better) I could reverse it but I don't think it'll come thru. Being homeless is weird and freeing at the same time

 

[BrokenByTheSystem]

I'm basically doing that now (and just in case things get better) I could reverse it but I don't think it'll come thru. Being homeless is weird and freeing at the same time

Are you homeless? How is your daily life as homeless if so?

 

[PanaxMan]

Are you homeless? How is your daily life as homeless if so?

Pretty peaceful. I'm staying in a upper middle class neighborhood which is always quiet and serenely peaceful.

 

[BrokenByTheSystem]

Pretty peaceful. I'm staying in a upper middle class neighborhood which is always quiet and serenely peaceful.

But how are you living? In a tent or something? How are you eating?

 

[PanaxMan]

But how are you living? In a tent or something? How are you eating?

Not eating much and I'm fine with that. And I'm not living just surviving thru trashy dopamine hits and water. A library is key plus free power. Along with access to fresh water inside

 

[BrokenByTheSystem]

Not eating much and I'm fine with that. And I'm not living just surviving thru trashy dopamine hits and water. A library is key plus free power. Along with access to fresh water inside

I think I'll be homeless soon, I can't leave my bed in weeks, just drinking water and very basic food, nothing more...

If it wasn't my parents I'd be dying in some sidewalk. Once they die or maybe even earlier, I'll probably living on the streets.

I hope it gives me the courage to kill myself, because currently I just can't do it.

 

[hereandthere13]

26M. I'm extremely low on Vitamin D and probably other dozens of issues. I made my blood exams last year and some things were off. I look at it an just thought "honestly, fuck it, it's not even worth it anymore", then instead of going after medicines I'm just ignoring it.

It's dumb you may think, I just have no strength to help supporting this life. And at the same time I have no courage to end it. So I'm on this dilemma, not knowing exactly what to do to end this all.

So since mid of last year I'm kind of living the bare minimum to keep me alive. I went from 84KG (185 pounds) to 72KG (158 pounds). Eating just because it feels bad to not eat.

I'm kind of rotting on my bedroom. Waiting for my death.

I know, I've heard a lot about methods and methods and there are dozens of things to make so I can end my life once for all relatively painless, but something just doesn't allow me, very deep on my instincts just won't let me do it.

My theory is that if somehow I get some disease or even cancer, my brain will start balancing the options better and suicide will become a more viable option, so my instincts will somehow agree with that, giving me the courage to try some method instead of waiting for a painful death by disease or cancer.

i don't take care of myself at all. the most i do is shower, but being dirty wouldn't kill me anyways. i went to the doctor the other day to request appetite suppressants bc im overweight, but the stupid lady denied it. maybe i'll just eat my way to death.

 

[PainThreshold]

That does sound like me. I've had angina couple of times before, a cramp that starts from my shoulders going down to my chest and heart. Fucking painful as hell.

Even without excercise and unhealthy binge eating, I am still underweight (39-41kg).

Surprisingly I've never been tempted to smoke cigarrettes, I always thought it was stupid.