Anyone Else in it for the Long Haul?

[Samsal112]

Almost every method here involves N or SN. I don't feel comfortable with this method for several reasons. I think it requires too much prep and I am afraid I will mess the steps up. Also, from reading posts of pills, I noticed that even with all the evidence out there, I did not react to those pills in the most common way. So, if I reacted weirdly to those pills, how can I be sure I won't have some reaction to N or SN and the other pills required to get the job done? Lastly, what if I order N or SN that is not potent?

So, my method is drowning. I picked this because I can't screw it up. If I am under water, I will die. The problem is that I live with my parents in a small town and there is no where to drown myself. Our lakes are filled with alligators and the ocean is 4 hours away. I have anxiety, so I am not driving 4 hours in an attempt to kill myself. However, my parents are good people. My mom and dad have tried everything to make me feel more comfortable in my illness. If I tried drowning myself in the tub, my dad would be the one to find me because he is almost 70 and retired. He is having heart problems and finding my body would kill him. My mom hasn't gotten over my little brother's death and although she is not comfortable talking about suicide or my illness, she does try to "keep me alive." I have spoken to my mom and sister about my suicidal feelings, so it isn't a shock when it happens. I plan on getting a lawyer, so I can fill out a will and make sure my funeral wishes are met. My plans will probably take almost three years to complete. I am saving money living with my parents, and once the housing market balances itself out, I plan on buying a house. I would like to buy one with a pool because that is the ideal place to drown. However, if that doesn't happen, I guess a tub it is.

Anyways, my plan is three years in the making. Anyone else feel like they can't ctb right now and are making plans for the future? It is not that I do not want to die, I do! But, I couldn't do that to my parents and ctb is uncomfortable; I am trying to add comfort in where I can.

 

[myopybyproxy]

yep, my plan took 3 years to solidify. I failed once and ever since have wished I succeeded - determined not to fail this one, hence the long prep time, and research and gathering supplies takes months.

 

[Samsal112]

yep, my plan took 3 years to solidify. I failed once and ever since have wished I succeeded - determined not to fail this one, hence the long prep time, and research and gathering supplies takes months.

Do you mind sharing how you failed? This scares me so much. Drowning is painful, but unless I come up for air, I shouldn't fail.

 

[FuneralCry]

Unfortunately, it looks like for me that I could potentially be here for a long time. In my case there is the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure holding me back. More than anything I wish ctb was easier, I am so tired of living. I just want to peacefully pass away. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Samsal112]

Unfortunately, it looks like for me that I could potentially be here for a long time. In my case there is the lack of peaceful and reliable way to exit and the fear of failure holding me back. More than anything I wish ctb was easier, I am so tired of living. I just want to peacefully pass away. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

I agree with your honesty. I say that I am not afraid to drown only because it is so far away, but I wish for a peaceful exit. I just keep hoping that the pain will eventually be so much that I am forced to end it.

 

[Crazy4u]

it might be easier to book a flight and go to a good spot for drowning. buying a house with a pool to ctb is a lot of work

 

[Samsal112]

it might be easier to book a flight and go to a good spot for drowning. buying a house with a pool to ctb is a lot of work

I see what you're saying. But, if I didn't ctb, I would be saving for a house anyways. So, I figured I would be buying a home in the next 3-4 years anyways. Since, I have been suicidal, the years fly by. Three years of this hell literally feels like a year ago. It is crazy to me that I have been stuck in this life for three years! To me, booking a flight and possibly being saved in a public area is too much work and a risk.

 

[myopybyproxy]

Do you mind sharing how you failed? This scares me so much. Drowning is painful, but unless I come up for air, I shouldn't fail.

I've made several posts about it. Lemme try to find them. How do you plan to insure you don't come up for air?

 

[Foresight]

I respect the level of consideration you've put into your plans. It often takes time to secure the method, plan it out properly, and set arrangements for the people and pets we're leaving behind. I just hope for a decent quality of life until the time comes for anyone under these conditions.

I'm a long hauler too. I think about suicide daily but I want my preferred method and I want to set up the best arrangements for my loved ones. I fear further trauma and deterioration in the meantime. I have a lot of fear. I don't have much strength left in me for any more hits from this world. I do love the opportunity to fulfill some desires I have in the meantime and I'm trying to make the most of it. I'm shooting for a more comfortable last day with less concern about what's left behind.

 

[Rezzienator]

Even though my mom has been terrible to me for years, and my life has been complete hell for me since the beginning, I cannot bare to do it right now, I am a caregiver for my 90 year old mother, and I live with her still at almost 40. I cannot leave her virtually unattended (my brothers would probably just stick her in a home as they barely do anything for her now and barely see her) Shes been depressed, sickly, in and out of the hospital frequently, out of 11 siblings theres only she and my other aunt left. She just lost my other aunt like a month ago, they were very close. Shes depressed and feeling like a burden to everyone since none of 4 sons do more than the bare minimum for her like taking her to doctor's appointment and coming to visit every now and again. The grandchildren that use to visit frequently stopped years ago, very seldom call her. She even apologizes to me for being a burden. She is never that to me. So I am here with her until the end no matter what. I'd rather her go before me as she would be uprooted from her house of 50 years and just dumped in a home. That would probably be the death of her. Also without her I would be homeless and further down the rabbit hole anyway. Soon after she passes(hopefully before me) I would ctb within a week afterwards. There is no happy ending for me nor has there ever been. I think that I would like to drown too. The only problem with that is being found and "saved". I don't have the self discipline to do it in the tub. To restrain myself from popping up. Also I dont want whoever finds me to get falsely accused and thrown in jail for homicide. I want a deep pool, ocean, pond, etc...someplace where nobody could play "hero" . I dont know of a place. You never know who's watching and will interfere. I would jump off a highway by pass into the ocean, but I know that people are always watching, even in helicopters. The problem is always picking the location or place for me. Also the timing

 

[Samsal112]

I've made several posts about it. Lemme try to find them. How do you plan to insure you don't come up for air?

This is a great question. I have no experience with attempted suicide or SI. I am hoping that when the time comes, I will understand the importance of dying. I plan on taking a ton of Ambien to help me feel "out of it." Because I am in PAWS from Ambien, if I ever touch that stuff again, I have no choice but to die. Taking that stuff again will cause me to become an invalid. So, I am hoping that the realization of that will make me end it.

Even though my mom has been terrible to me for years, and my life has been complete hell for me since the beginning, I cannot bare to do it right now, I am a caregiver for my 90 year old mother, and I live with her still at almost 40. I cannot leave her virtually unattended (my brothers would probably just stick her in a home as they barely do anything for her now and barely see her) Shes been depressed, sickly, in and out of the hospital frequently, out of 11 siblings theres only she and my other aunt left. She just lost my other aunt like a month ago, they were very close. Shes depressed and feeling like a burden to everyone since none of 4 sons do more than the bare minimum for her like taking her to doctor's appointment and coming to visit every now and again. The grandchildren that use to visit frequently stopped years ago, very seldom call her. She even apologizes to me for being a burden. She is never that to me. So I am here with her until the end no matter what. I'd rather her go before me as she would be uprooted from her house of 50 years and just dumped in a home. That would probably be the death of her. Also without her I would be homeless and further down the rabbit hole anyway. Soon after she passes(hopefully before me) I would ctb within a week afterwards. There is no happy ending for me nor has there ever been. I think that I would like to drown too. The only problem with that is being found and "saved". I don't have the self discipline to do it in the tub. To restrain myself from popping up. Also I dont want whoever finds me to get falsely accused and thrown in jail for homicide. I want a deep pool, ocean, pond, etc...someplace where nobody could play "hero" . I dont know of a place. You never know who's watching and will interfere. I would jump off a highway by pass into the ocean, but I know that people are always watching, even in helicopters. The problem is always picking the location or place for me. Also the timing

Yes, your reasoning for being found is why I want a personal pool. I would assume no one is going to save me at night in my own personal pool. I am a little annoyed that I have to wait until I have my own pool, because I wanted to give my sister everything in my savings account. I spoke with someone about ctb in a tub and from what this person told me, it is difficult to do. If you pass out, you may float up. I thought I had found the holy grail with SWB (shallow water blackout) but that is not a reliable method. I presume you can do the technique, tire yourself out, and still not pass out and drown. That would be a waste of time for me.

I respect the level of consideration you've put into your plans. It often takes time to secure the method, plan it out properly, and set arrangements for the people and pets we're leaving behind. I just hope for a decent quality of life until the time comes for anyone under these conditions.

I'm a long hauler too. I think about suicide daily but I want my preferred method and I want to set up the best arrangements for my loved ones. I fear further trauma and deterioration in the meantime. I have a lot of fear. I don't have much strength left in me for any more hits from this world. I do love the opportunity to fulfill some desires I have in the meantime and I'm trying to make the most of it. I'm shooting for a more comfortable last day with less concern about what's left behind.

My fear is that there isn't much planning for my method. I just hope to drown. Of all the successful suicides I have read about, they didn't plan to the last detail, they just did it. So, I am wondering if simple is the best method. For sure drowning is painful, but living in this husk of a body with a TBI is painful every day.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I've made several posts about it. Lemme try to find them. How do you plan to insure you don't come up for air?

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/thre...hts-on-caffeine-od-suicide.82013/post-1465108

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/slitting-my-wrists-advice.82012/post-1464993

 

[Rezzienator]

Even though my mom has been terrible to me for years, and my life has been complete hell for me since the beginning, I cannot bare to do it right now, I am a caregiver for my 90 year old mother, and I live with her still at almost 40. I cannot leave her virtually unattended (my brothers would probably just stick her in a home as they barely do anything for her now and barely see her) Shes been depressed, sickly, in and out of the hospital frequently, out of 11 siblings theres only she and my other aunt left. She just lost my other aunt like a month ago, they were very close. Shes depressed and feeling like a burden to everyone since none of 4 sons do more than the bare minimum for her like taking her to doctor's appointment and coming to visit every now and again. The grandchildren that use to visit frequently stopped years ago, very seldom call her. She even apologizes to me for being a burden. She is never that to me. So I am here with her until the end no matter what. I'd rather her go before me as she would be uprooted from her house of 50 years and just dumped in a home. That would probably be the death of her. Also without her I would be homeless and further down the rabbit hole anyway. Soon after she passes(hopefully before me) I would ctb within a week afterwards. There is no happy ending for me nor has there ever been. I think that I would like to drown too. The only problem with that is being found and "saved". I don't have the self discipline to do it in the tub. To restrain myself from popping up. Also I dont want whoever finds me to get falsely accused and thrown in jail for homicide. I want a deep pool, ocean, pond, etc...someplace where nobody could play "hero" . I dont know of a place. You never know who's watching and will interfere. I would jump off a highway by pass into the ocean, but I know that people are always watching, even in helicopters. The problem is always picking the location or place for me. Also the timing

Also failed attempts can lead to extreme paralysis, and brain damage that could hinder my chances of ever successful pulling it off. I imagine being found, having the kind of brain damage and paralysis that will have me locked inside of a body that lost independence. I imagine being rescued and having to have someone care for me 24/7 for the rest of my forced life. Being unable to walk, shower, eat, move my body at all, being unable to communicate at all, not being unable to express myself at all, being dressed and fed, wearing heavy duty incontinence briefs that need changing and disposing of around the clock. No matter how much you seem to despise your existence then, you will be forced to live until your time is up which could be until 100 or older. ..unless you were to get lucky and be put out of your misery sooner by someone or something

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

It's been a relatively long haul for me since I've decided I'm definitely going to CTB in 2022 since October of 2020. Every moment I'm not dead might as well be adding to the long haul as well.

 

[thisplaceisaprison]

I almost drowned once, the survival instinct kicks in really hard and I was also really drunk, the drowning wasn't intentional even though I've always had suicidal thoughts it's just one method I couldn't do unless it was in a tub and combined with something else.

 

[yo_no_soy_el_pollo2]

Almost every method here involves N or SN. I don't feel comfortable with this method for several reasons. I think it requires too much prep and I am afraid I will mess the steps up. Also, from reading posts of pills, I noticed that even with all the evidence out there, I did not react to those pills in the most common way. So, if I reacted weirdly to those pills, how can I be sure I won't have some reaction to N or SN and the other pills required to get the job done? Lastly, what if I order N or SN that is not potent?

So, my method is drowning. I picked this because I can't screw it up. If I am under water, I will die. The problem is that I live with my parents in a small town and there is no where to drown myself. Our lakes are filled with alligators and the ocean is 4 hours away. I have anxiety, so I am not driving 4 hours in an attempt to kill myself. However, my parents are good people. My mom and dad have tried everything to make me feel more comfortable in my illness. If I tried drowning myself in the tub, my dad would be the one to find me because he is almost 70 and retired. He is having heart problems and finding my body would kill him. My mom hasn't gotten over my little brother's death and although she is not comfortable talking about suicide or my illness, she does try to "keep me alive." I have spoken to my mom and sister about my suicidal feelings, so it isn't a shock when it happens. I plan on getting a lawyer, so I can fill out a will and make sure my funeral wishes are met. My plans will probably take almost three years to complete. I am saving money living with my parents, and once the housing market balances itself out, I plan on buying a house. I would like to buy one with a pool because that is the ideal place to drown. However, if that doesn't happen, I guess a tub it is.

Anyways, my plan is three years in the making. Anyone else feel like they can't ctb right now and are making plans for the future? It is not that I do not want to die, I do! But, I couldn't do that to my parents and ctb is uncomfortable; I am trying to add comfort in where I can.

Have you thought about getting a hotel with a tub? Some more expensive places have hot tubs, which could be big. Or perhaps an air b&b with a pool?

I own my own home and live alone, but I plan to ctb in a hotel. While I would be more comfortable in my own bed, I want my sibling to inherit my house and I don't want the value of the house to be decreased due to a suicide death (both because it would need to be disclosed on sale, and there would likely be issues with the smell of a decomposing body). Also, if they want to move into my house (which is nicer than theirs), I wouldn't want them to think about me dying in the house.

I don't have a long drawn up plan, the reason I haven't already ctb is that I still have a couple more medications I want to try to see if they can take me out of this hole.

 

[Niko66]

My "plan" spans over years as well, there's other things that need to happen before it, some that might not actually happen before I can't take it anymore but for the most yeah I am trying to last as much as I have to.

 

[Looooser]

I do genealogy so I try to write the story about my family and my childhood for my daughter. I've also tried to get things in order so it's less of a hassle for my daughter to deal with. I might be half way through after a few years because I'm lazy.

 

[Toxic Positivity]

I think for me, there is always a reason I can come up with to delay ctb. But I ask myself, "am I procrastinating? will something seriously change in my life that will make me no longer suicidal, or am I procrastinating like I always do?"

Self-preservation is a very powerful and subtle thing. For example, you have people post things like, "I want to shoot myself but I live near a wildlife refuge and am worried my stray bullet will kill a rare Andean Condor." I smile when I see something like that because it is a testament to the human will to live. Even when we do not want to be here, a part of us is clinging to life.

For myself, I have started challenging this lately. "What kind of life am I clinging to?" "Sure, there are loose ends in my life, but there is never a 'best' time to commit suicide. The best time is when I am able." These kinds of things. But, I would not wish this fate on anyone.

 

[Ta555]

Also failed attempts can lead to extreme paralysis, and brain damage that could hinder my chances of ever successful pulling it off. I imagine being found, having the kind of brain damage and paralysis that will have me locked inside of a body that lost independence. I imagine being rescued and having to have someone care for me 24/7 for the rest of my forced life. Being unable to walk, shower, eat, move my body at all, being unable to communicate at all, not being unable to express myself at all, being dressed and fed, wearing heavy duty incontinence briefs that need changing and disposing of around the clock. No matter how much you seem to despise your existence then, you will be forced to live until your time is up which could be until 100 or older. ..unless you were to get lucky and be put out of your misery sooner by someone or something

People in that state of paralysis and helplessness very often don't live that long. Many die within a few years. Often from things like the flu. Their bodies just don't handle things well anymore internally and immune wise.
If you can still communicate through blinking like in locked in syndrome you can refuse food and water. There was a man in England who got locked in syndrome and he kept fighting for assisted suicide. When the high court denied it yet again he refused food and water and then coincidentally picked up pneumonia and died shortly after.

 

[Samsal112]

I think for me, there is always a reason I can come up with to delay ctb. But I ask myself, "am I procrastinating? will something seriously change in my life that will make me no longer suicidal, or am I procrastinating like I always do?"

Self-preservation is a very powerful and subtle thing. For example, you have people post things like, "I want to shoot myself but I live near a wildlife refuge and am worried my stray bullet will kill a rare Andean Condor." I smile when I see something like that because it is a testament to the human will to live. Even when we do not want to be here, a part of us is clinging to life.

For myself, I have started challenging this lately. "What kind of life am I clinging to?" "Sure, there are loose ends in my life, but there is never a 'best' time to commit suicide. The best time is when I am able." These kinds of things. But, I would not wish this fate on anyone.

You make good points, but that is not why my suicide will take a long time. I have a chronic illness and life for me is not going to get better. It is has greatly deteriorated over three years. I am afraid of pain and failure, so I am trying to find a way out that works for me.

Also failed attempts can lead to extreme paralysis, and brain damage that could hinder my chances of ever successful pulling it off. I imagine being found, having the kind of brain damage and paralysis that will have me locked inside of a body that lost independence. I imagine being rescued and having to have someone care for me 24/7 for the rest of my forced life. Being unable to walk, shower, eat, move my body at all, being unable to communicate at all, not being unable to express myself at all, being dressed and fed, wearing heavy duty incontinence briefs that need changing and disposing of around the clock. No matter how much you seem to despise your existence then, you will be forced to live until your time is up which could be until 100 or older. ..unless you were to get lucky and be put out of your misery sooner by someone or something

Are you saying drowning can lead to this? How does one survive drowning?

 

[ceserasera]

I actually respect longer term planning. Without wanting to seem unpleasant, my reaction to people who make impulsive attempts and then fail and complain when they get sectioned/detained is: 'what did you expect'. There's an admirable self control in restraining yourself to make sure execution is perfect and without fault. That's why, whenever I get asked by a professional if I'm in 'immediate danger', I just roll my eyes because they see it as a lesser from of suicidality, like if you really meant it you'd just do it. But that's not true because it's more likely to go wrong when you just act on a whim. That lacks foresight.

 

[Ta555]

I actually respect longer term planning. Without wanting to seem unpleasant, my reaction to people who make impulsive attempts and then fail and complain when they get sectioned/detained is: 'what did you expect'. There's an admirable self control in restraining yourself to make sure execution is perfect and without fault. That's why, whenever I get asked by a professional if I'm in 'immediate danger', I just roll my eyes because they see it as a lesser from of suicidality, like if you really meant it you'd just do it. But that's not true because it's more likely to go wrong when you just act on a whim. That lacks foresight.

I agree with you and have been researching for almost six months. But this site also leads to a sort of analysis paralysis. Too much information becomes a hindrance because you start coming up with wackier and wackier scenarios of things that could go wrong and eventually feels like no matter how much you plan your attempt is doomed to fail and then you feel like you have no way out.
Even on N threads when people finally get it and say how happy they are they have a sure way out someone will come along and be like...but you know, sometimes people don't die from N, they just end up in an extended coma. Like yeah I know maybe that's good to know but after being on this site for a while sometimes I just get this sinking feeling like nothing works.

 

[Jack4230]

Unfortunately I'm also in it for the long haul. It could be a decade before I do it since I'm only 19 now and there's a chance things might get better. I'm also waiting for my parents to die since they've done too much for me and if I killed myself while they were alive it would destroy them. I wish I didn't have to wait so long but I think it's too early for me to do it.

 

[clown_17]

My plans are always "for the long haul" I come up with resources and a vague idea of what I'll do and then I put everything aside and save it for the day when I'm feeling especially awful and ready to die. Then on that random day I follow through with the plan. I wait for the urge to hit me instead of planning a date. This means I only attempt when I'm incredibly suicidal so I get to avoid hesitation or SI

 

[Samsal112]

My plans are always "for the long haul" I come up with resources and a vague idea of what I'll do and then I put everything aside and save it for the day when I'm feeling especially awful and ready to die. Then on that random day I follow through with the plan. I wait for the urge to hit me instead of planning a date. This means I only attempt when I'm incredibly suicidal so I get to avoid hesitation or SI

Are you saying that you have had many failed attempts?

 

[clown_17]

Are you saying that you have had many failed attempts?

Yeah. I'm mentally ill, I'm impulsive. I don't think things through entirely. There's no badge you win for dying in your first try. Hell we have a recovery section here because you don't even need to plan to ctb to be here.

Before this site I had many poorly thought out plans like otc medication ods. This site has given me more info and I've only attempted once with the info on this site.

 

[Samsal112]

Yeah. I'm mentally ill, I'm impulsive. I don't think things through entirely. There's no badge you win for dying in your first try. Hell we have a recovery section here because you don't even need to plan to ctb to be here.

Before this site I had many poorly thought out plans like otc medication ods. This site has given me more info and I've only attempted once with the info on this site.

I only ask because I have not attempted suicide and I am wanting to learn about failed attempts. Before coming to this site, I didn't think there were many failed attempts and that is one reason why my plan is at least a year off and I am choosing drowning. I was not trying to offend you; I was just getting clarification. Thank you for your response.