Anyone else here hate themselves for not catching the bus yet?

[Sylveon]

Anyone else here hates themselves for not CTB, because I know I do; I dunno where to begin this, but I have like... countless fantasies about how I'll KMS, but when the time comes to actually do anything (anything in this case means, you know... standing beside a railroad, because that's like the only method I have accessible), I bail out like I was never suicidal to begin with. It genuinely makes me hate myself because I feel as though I was never valid enough to begin with.

I don't have any incentive to improve my life because I don't even wanna live! [The only reason I'm even preparing for my college entrances (I already failed once, btw) is because I don't want to make my parents sad. :/] So yeah, I don't wanna improve my life, yet I'm too scared to actually die (or, more specifically, the pain that comes with it and the risk of getting crippled for life). It just makes me hate myself and everyone else around me who's better off than me. I could go on and on about this, but I think you get the idea.

I wish it was as simple as sleeping at night and never seeing the sunrise again.

 

[R_N]

I don't hate myself at all but I wish I died long time ago honestly.

That would be ideal.

 

[sombie]

Anyone else here hates themselves for not CTB, because I know I do; I dunno where to begin this, but I have like... countless fantasies about how I'll KMS, but when the time comes to actually do anything (anything in this case means, you know... standing beside a railroad, because that's like the only method I have accessible), I bail out like I was never suicidal to begin with. It genuinely makes me hate myself because I feel as though I was never valid enough to begin with.

I don't have any incentive to improve my life because I don't even wanna live! [The only reason I'm even preparing for my college entrances (I already failed once, btw) is because I don't want to make my parents sad. :/] So yeah, I don't wanna improve my life, yet I'm too scared to actually die (or, more specifically, the pain that comes with it and the risk of getting crippled for life). It just makes me hate myself and everyone else around me who's better off than me. I could go on and on about this, but I think you get the idea.

I wish it was as simple as sleeping at night and never seeing the sunrise again.

I have a similar fear of making my family sad with my death,I am like the peacemaker in the house so I struggle to have the courage to follow through because no one could take my place but then I think I have to do it because I'm in pain not them,it's a hard choice,my family expects so much from me and I don't want to let them down but at the same time I don't want to be alive.

I don't hate myself at all but I wish I died long time ago honestly.

That would be ideal.

Same

 

[steppenwolf]

Please don't stand by the railroad; I have train driver friends who complain that having to scrape failed students from their vehicles is traumatic for them.

If you're contemplating suicide you either don't care if anything makes your parents sad, or you don't think your suicide will make them sad. Either way, they obviously don't care if their making you go to school makes you suicidal. So don't go to school to please your parents. Go to school to please yourself, or drop out and never mind your parents being sad about it. That's their problem, not yours.

If you do go to school, it's very important that you study something you love studying. The moment you stop loving every minute of being in college, you need to get the hell out.

Thirty years ago I was suicidal at university because the course wasn't what is was cracked up to be. I just lay on my bed in my residency death cell drinking bottle after bottle of cheap sherry and throwing the empties at the painted brick wall, until my girlfriend became too scared of me to ever talk to me again. There were thirteen student suicide attempts in just the block I lived in during the two terms I was there, seven of them successful. And no one cared. There was no support whatsoever. It wasn't considered that there might be some underlying problem with the university or with parental expectations; those suicidal students were merely considered to have been deficient in some way, and their parents considered merely unfortunate. In the end I literally climbed over the barbed wire surrounding the campus into the road, and hitch-hiked out of there forever and never returned home again. Never looked back. Never been suicidal since.

It wasn't myself I needed to end, it was my expectations of the education system and my connection with my guardians, who couldn't wait to be rid of me anyway.

 

[livinginsorrow]

Please don't stand by the railroad; I have train driver friends who complain that having to scrape failed students from their vehicles is traumatic for them.

If you're contemplating suicide you either don't care if anything makes your parents sad, or you don't think your suicide will make them sad. Either way, they obviously don't care if their making you go to school makes you suicidal. So don't go to school to please your parents. Go to school to please yourself, or drop out and never mind your parents being sad about it. That's their problem, not yours.

If you do go to school, it's very important that you study something you love studying. The moment you stop loving every minute of being in college, you need to get the hell out. Thirty years ago I was suicidal at university because the course wasn't what is was cracked up to be, drinking bottle after bottle of cheap sherry every day and throwing the empties at the wall in my tiny residency death cell, and my girlfriend became too scared of me to talk to me again. In the end I literally climbed over the barbed wire surrounding the campus into the road and hitch-hiked out of there forever and never returned home again. Never looked back. Never been suicidal since.

It wasn't myself I needed to end, it was my expectations of the education system and my connection with my guardians, who couldn't wait to be rid of me anyway.

i agree with this. often times were miserable with how our life currently is not how it could be. i know it's not always this simple but you need to live for you, find the positives in things and do what makes you happy. find things that make you happy. it is such a difficult road to walk but you are strong and you shouldn't hate yourself for not having given up on life yet! you sound so young, and as daunting as this can sound, there is so much life for you to live. there are so many experiences waiting for you and people for you to meet. if you're entering college for your parents, don't. do something you want to do with this time. there are so many avenues you can take, you've got this. you've got the power to overcome wanting to CBT. it can be so dark at times, but it won't be and doesn't have to be forever… i've been there and still go there sometimes but i hope you find your way out and are able to love yourself at the end of it… i'm here for you to talk if you need x

 

[Soulful]

Have you tried going to a psychiatrist? I used to feel like that all the time and it comes back every time I forget to take my meds. Sometimes even when I do take them I catch myself comparing myself to others, but it's a lot easier to break that toxic cycle of thoughts when your brain works like it should (when you're depressed, your brain doesn't produce enough of certain neurotransmitters responsible for the feelings of happiness and fulfillment). Not every antidepressant is the same, not every drug will work on your body, so don't give up when you get a drug and it doesn't do anything. They normally take up to a few weeks to work and then you can communicate to your psychiatrist that you want to change it. I've been medicated since I was ~13 and now I'm 21, and only recently I've found a good psychiatrist who ended up giving me meds that work for me.
Now, I'm also attending therapy and I know not everyone can afford it, but maybe your parents would be willing to help you out financially in this matter. If not, perhaps you could make it your goal to get to a point, in which you will be able to afford it yourself.
Also, it's an arduous task to survive in this world with an illness such as depression, so don't beat yourself up over not ending it yet. In a way, it shows that you were strong enough to do a thing many people who already died weren't able to do.
Sorry if I come off as preachy. It's ultimately up to you whether you still want to give this life a chance, but don't beat yourself up over taking a long time to think about it. It doesn't invalidate your thoughts - only you know how you truly felt. Healthy individuals don't have fantasies about dying, neither do they blame themselves for existing, so at the very least you can be certain that you are some flavour of depresed.