Anyone else have everything ready to go but really struggling to find the capacity to ctb?

[Desperate2die]

I've been trapped in the most excruciating hell increasingly over the past 2 yrs especially (but for 13yrs overall). I've spent so much time in and out of hospital and with health professionals (and everyone) basically giving up on me (just labelled as "treatment resistant"). I've spoken more about some of my experiences almost succeeding in my other posts.. but i've finally gotten everything i need ready to go (specifically a VERY large amount of codeine mixed with benzos and other stronger meds, pill crusher to hopefully make a -horrific- drink, anti-nausea meds, etc). I wish i could just do this in my bed at night (most peaceful, easiest) but now live with my parents again (which has been hell) and dont want to make the same mistake of anyone finding me before it properly works. So i know i have to get in my car and drive somewhere isolated and just ctb... I've waited so long to finally get the resources, and as absolutely desperate as i am for this torture to be over, its been SO hard to find the capacity. Anyone else?
I remember once reading that a lot of s**** happen when people are coming out of the extreme debilitating depression because they finally have enough energy and motivation. It feels accurate, but surely this level of desperation and despair should be motivating enough. Maybe because i can just FEEL the certainty of it (its weird and sounds crazy to explain, just this really deep feeling i have that "this is going to be it").
Sorry for the rambling, just feeling a LOT and brain completely full. I just want to hurry up and do this (the longer i dont, the less meds im going to have because have just had to resort to getting high with them every night to cope).. just want so badly to be in eternal peace and safety, which i've only ever lightly grasped twice when fading away before i was found and put in comas.
Anyone have any thoughts or can relate at all?

 

[Unknown21]

I really can relate with this, it's the same problem for me now unfortunately, i wanna end it and know that's what i want but my brain is fucked up it doesn't wanna let me do it peacefully.

 

[Silent_cries]

Same, although the hardest part for me is fighting my SI as it's, for me at least, what takes the most energy. My method of choice is so easy to set up that setting it up itself doesn't take that much energy. With that said, sometimes I'm so drained that I'm struggling to have the energy to even get through setting it up.

 

[AlternativeBagel]

For me I don't think it's the capacity but small flickers of hope that things will someday be better despite the fact that they haven't for the past 12 years of my life. It's an internal conflict for real.

 

[Desperate2die]

I really can relate with this, it's the same problem for me now unfortunately, i wanna end it and know that's what i want but my brain is fucked up it doesn't wanna let me do it peacefully.

im sorry you can relate and are experiencing that. i feel like part of it has to be that we're in so much mental/emotional anguish that its so hard to intentional put ourselves through any additional pain (because regardless of how easy or peaceful a chosen method might be, theres always still going to be some kind of pain/difficulty associated with it.. i.e. for me i've put my body through SO much and so the process of actually swallowing pills -even though i've crushed them all up this time- is so difficult and i have a HUGE mental barrier and my body tends to in turn have a massive physical visceral response.. so even though i know im going to peacefully fade away, the process leading up to it feels so difficult to fully embrace) plus we're always going to have that survival-instinct no matter what (even though "surviving" is pure pain and torture).

Same, although the hardest part for me is fighting my SI as it's, for me at least, what takes the most energy. My method of choice is so easy to set up that setting it up itself doesn't take that much energy. With that said, sometimes I'm so drained that I'm struggling to have the energy to even get through setting it up.

definitely feel the same- im sorry that you're going through that though.. I feel like each second is pure exhausting hell, and even each breath is so hard, so i know its probably understandable not to be able to find the capacity to once and for all properly ctb, but i feel like such a weak pathetic cowardly piece of shit. I hope things can somehow improve for you though.

 

[Silent_cries]

For me I don't think it's the capacity but small flickers of hope that things will someday be better despite the fact that they haven't for the past 12 years of my life. It's an internal conflict for real.

It's the exact same for me, and then I end up hating myself for not being able to accept that things won't get better >_<

 

[theboy]

I don't have everything ready but I struggle with whether or not to do ctb every day... it's complex.

 

[Mea Culpa]

I've had everything ready to go for months. But the failures of the attempts have turned into their own heavy weight.

 

[Desperate2die]

I've had everything ready to go for months. But the failures of the attempts have turned into their own heavy weight.

10000% can relate (its genuinely so traumatising as well as completely shattering each and every time) im really sorry you've gone through that as well

 

[Olisop21.]

It's the exact same for me, and then I end up hating myself for not being able to accept that things won't get better >_<

Me 3. My imagination tells me things will get better but my history of insanity says different. I just want to get it over with.

 

[Silent_cries]

Me 3. My imagination tells me things will get better but my history of insanity says different. I just want to get it over with.

Same, but my brain is always like "what if". Like uggh, just let me go already brain!

 

[sundown12]

i also want to end it all already, but something's still keeping me here. my method of choice is partial hanging, and i've been practicing a lot, but i'm scared to just...end my life like that. why can't we just press a magic button and die peacefully?!

 

[Olisop21.]

Same, although the hardest part for me is fighting my SI as it's, for me at least, what takes the most energy. My method of choice is so easy to set up that setting it up itself doesn't take that much energy. With that said, sometimes I'm so drained that I'm struggling to have the energy to even get through setting it up

i also want to end it all already, but something's still keeping me here. my method of choice is partial hanging, and i've been practicing a lot, but i'm scared to just...end my life like that. why can't we just press a magic button and die peacefully?!

OMG, that would be perfect!. I continue to want to already be dead.

 

[Silent_cries]

OMG, that would be perfect!. I continue to want to already be dead.

Wait I'm confused, wdym would be perfect? If you mean dying by a magic button, then yeah I rly wish it was that easy.

 

[Olisop21.]

Wait I'm confused, wdym would be perfect? If you mean dying by a magic button, then yeah I rly wish it was that easy.

I too wish there was a magic button.

 

[Silent_cries]

I too wish there was a magic button.

Problem with me is that I'd even be hesistant to hitting the button coz pretty sure SI would still kick in plus my brain loves giving me stupid reasons to live, like "there is a new game coming out this Friday", or "You'll be having good food for dinner". It's ridiculous honestly. Like, what's even the point? Those things only gives me temporary happiness anyway. These is no permanent happiness, not for me anyway.

 

[Olisop21.]

Wish I could override the SI. Keep getting scared when I think about dying

Problem with me is that I'd even be hesistant to hitting the button coz pretty sure SI would still kick in plus my brain loves giving me stupid reasons to live, like "there is a new game coming out this Friday", or "You'll be having good food for dinner". It's ridiculous honestly. Like, what's even the point? Those things only gives me temporary happiness anyway. These is no permanent happiness, not for me anyway.

I'm sure I would hesitate too. I've always been afraid of everything. My SI is so strong.

Problem with me is that I'd even be hesistant to hitting the button coz pretty sure SI would still kick in plus my brain loves giving me stupid reasons to live, like "there is a new game coming out this Friday", or "You'll be having good food for dinner". It's ridiculous honestly. Like, what's even the point? Those things only gives me temporary happiness anyway. These is no permanent happiness, not for me anyway.

I'm sure I would hesitate too. I've always been afraid of everything. My SI is so strong.

 

[Silent_cries]

Wish I could override the SI. Keep getting scared when I think about dying

I'm sure I would hesitate too. I've always been afraid of everything. My SI is so strong.

I'm sure I would hesitate too. I've always been afraid of everything. My SI is so strong.

I'm mostly just afraid of the unknown. My method is painfree and I'm not afraid of death anymore, so it's just the feeling of not knowing what would happen if I actually died.

 

[tbroken]

Since i lived a life full of struggle and moving without a specific direction, I'm giving my self time to know SN better and make good use of it. Once I'm calm and ready, I'll go straight forward.

 

[Olisop21.]

Part of me feels ready to go.

 

[Silent_cries]

Part of me feels ready to go.

I'm starting to feel pretty ready too.

 

[Olisop21.]

I'm starting to feel pretty ready too.

Do you practice you ctb plan?

Do you practice your ctb plan?

 

[Silent_cries]

Do you practice you ctb plan?

No, I know how to do it just right, tried multiple times before in earlier attempts so I'm pretty settled. Just gotta get over my SI rly.

 

[Olisop21.]

No, I know how to do it just right, tried multiple times before in earlier attempts so I'm pretty settled. Just gotta get over my SI rly.

Would you share what method?

 

[Dark Window]

Problem with me is that I'd even be hesistant to hitting the button coz pretty sure SI would still kick in plus my brain loves giving me stupid reasons to live, like "there is a new game coming out this Friday", or "You'll be having good food for dinner". It's ridiculous honestly. Like, what's even the point? Those things only gives me temporary happiness anyway. These is no permanent happiness, not for me anyway.

Sounds like suicidal thoughts are just a way for you to cope with a difficult life then and you don't actually want to die, you just want a better life.

 

[Silent_cries]

Would you share what method?

Partial hanging, although I'd like to mention that the failrate is pretty high. Only reason I didn't go with a more reliable method is bc I don't have access to them. It's rly my best option.

 

[Olisop21.]

I just want it over. Why don't my SI stfu.

 

[Silent_cries]

I just want it over. Why don't my SI stfu.

I feel that.

 

[kudaphillips]

same boat . I'm terrified I won't be able to do it . It's needed to be done for over a decade. I have literally every method at my disposal . ShotGun in my mouth every day but to scared to pull . Exit bag over head every day also, to scared to start the gas . The closer I get sometimes my si seems to pull me further away . I'm 35 and prob won't die for like 50 years since I eat clean as f and do zero drugs . I'm f'd . Every day is a tragedy . This site is great tho,

 

[another_user]

I had everything ready in December and made an attempt but ended up backing out (pretty sure the method did some brain damage which is fun), also in March I made an attempt with a different method, but backed out again (vomitted up some of it before I blacked out).

I am also considered treatment resistant by MH services, but I do seek treatment and want it, I just can't cope with it because I have a pessimistic outlook.

I think I will either ctb eventually or die from illness after failed attempts.