Anyone else hanging onto hope?

[slowlydying2mrrw]

I'm not sure how to start this as I believe I'm mentally losing all hope and will to even try to fix this miserable life. My long story short is that I struggle with BPD while wearing this mask as if everything will be ok. That my life will fix itself if I make efforts and everything will be okay.

Except every fleeting moment that passes is just a memory and hope lost for a life not worth living for.

I guess my question that anyone else out there is if you're hanging onto hope? Are you having moments that your insides feel like they're eating at themselves and you feel overwhelmed with impending doom?

I'm on the brink of making of an impulsive move and spiraling after months of "trying".... All I want to do is die.

 

[Marine]

I want to live and recover everything that's been stolen from me and have justice, it feels like there has to be a way, but no matter what I've tried every progress I've managed to make has been stolen from me and nothing I have done so far has fixed it, I don't understand why even if I've explored many apparent causes of this for years and this situation is infinitely worse than death...

 

[aunaltravita]

Hope is a bitch. But also what makes people get out from really dark places.

Even if I decided to ctb I still have hope, but I already know I won't have any luck for my situation, it's like "false-hope" but I guess some of us work like that.

I do understand what you mean regarding that impeding doom, sometimes I get it and I struggle to get back to normal as if nothing ever happened, life is just a never ending climb lol

 

[HNR_]

Not anymore, that's why I'm here, actually

I used to believe that I could turn my life around and that the world would get better but nope, it's only worsening with every second that passes (check my profile post for details)

 

[plskilme]

I keep going on because people tell me to. I want to die so bad, but I remember my friends would be sad. But my brain tells me "They'll only be sad for like 2 weeks then move on." Idk what keeps me fighting...

 

[inextremis]

Idk how but yeah I still have some shred of hope. Just enough that keeps me breathing for now. It baffles me sometimes bc where I'm at in life feels like a pit with no way out and it keeps getting worse. I really should have no reason to continue and almost every part of my psyche is begging for it to be over already. But yet so far here I am waiting for a tmw better than today.

 

[slowlydying2mrrw]

Hope is a bitch. But also what makes people get out from really dark places.

Even if I decided to ctb I still have hope, but I already know I won't have any luck for my situation, it's like "false-hope" but I guess some of us work like that.

I do understand what you mean regarding that impeding doom, sometimes I get it and I struggle to get back to normal as if nothing ever happened, life is just a never ending climb lol

It's been like a black hole on both sides. Lately been feeling like leaning into the permanent side. False hope is a bitch. How are you handling it?

Not anymore, that's why I'm here, actually

I used to believe that I could turn my life around and that the world would get better but nope, it's only worsening with every second that passes (check my profile post for details)

Same and still wondering why I keep this "hope".

Idk how but yeah I still have some shred of hope. Just enough that keeps me breathing for now. It baffles me sometimes bc where I'm at in life feels like a pit with no way out and it keeps getting worse. I really should have no reason to continue and almost every part of my psyche is begging for it to be over already. But yet so far here I am waiting for a tmw better than today.

How do you find it? Lately I feel like my luck has been running out and should just short cut the life process

I want to live and recover everything that's been stolen from me and have justice, it feels like there has to be a way, but no matter what I've tried every progress I've managed to make has been stolen from me and nothing I have done so far has fixed it, I don't understand why even if I've explored many apparent causes of this for years and this situation is infinitely worse than death...

I get where you are coming from. Ive lost so much and wasted so much of life and the time it has that the hope I have is just a mirage. Life isn't a fairy tale and not everyone gets a happy ending. How are you finding little hope left?

 

[pk@2001]

Well for me hanging onto hope is like you're evading your harsh reality and what future has in store for you. Now, since it's getting worse and hell with every passing second, I don't think there is anything like hope on which I can account to change my life around.
Only by disappearing I can come to cease this whole mess and be free from this evil cycle

 

[aunaltravita]

It's been like a black hole on both sides. Lately been feeling like leaning into the permanent side. False hope is a bitch. How are you handling it?

I numbed myself. It's like I'm a just a shell, trying to not think about the future anymore, not planning, not doing anything. No emotions when I can.

That's how I'm doing it, and I'll have to keep it that way for some months still.

What about you?

 

[slowlydying2mrrw]

Well for me hanging onto hope is like you're evading your harsh reality and what future has in store for you. Now, since it's getting worse and hell with every passing second, I don't think there is anything like hope on which I can account to change my life around.
Only by disappearing I can come to cease this whole mess and be free from this evil cycle

I feel that all the time with hope. Just another distraction from the inevitable I set myself on.

I numbed myself. It's like I'm a just a shell, trying to not think about the future anymore, not planning, not doing anything. No emotions when I can.

That's how I'm doing it, and I'll have to keep it that way for some months still.

What about you?

I'm still trying to figure that out. Between dealing with my mental illness with BPD, I'm just faking it till I figure something out or just don't..... I guess I was wondering what others did for "hope"

 

[aunaltravita]

I'm still trying to figure that out. Between dealing with my mental illness with BPD, I'm just faking it till I figure something out or just don't..... I guess I was wondering what others did for "hope"

Well a lot of people drink or does drugs for that, you could try ahaha BPD is hard to deal with, especially because people around you won't be really forming deep bonds as far as I know from experience, and the ones that do will likely suffer from your instability.

Hope is just faith that tomorrow will be better, but who knows??

 

[slowlydying2mrrw]

Well a lot of people drink or does drugs for that, you could try ahaha BPD is hard to deal with, especially because people around you won't be really forming deep bonds as far as I know from experience, and the ones that do will likely suffer from your instability.

Hope is just faith that tomorrow will be better, but who knows??

Drinking and drugs make it worse unfortunately and coping with a past self that has fucked up a few lifetimes, the drugs make it a lot worse to repair that part too. What is hope without spiralling?

The sad part is having BPD and pretending I can form a connection with a human is like trying to find life on Mars.

 

[bl33ding_heart]

Me too :/

 

[ugulamugula]

Yea