Anyone else get molested or raped? And if yes does that contribute to your urge/ need to ctb?

[Toonloon]

I got molested alot as a kid. By different people and nobody ever helped me. I spent my childhood trying to ctb a few times; hanging with my jump rope, jumping out of my mom's moving car, and trying to cut my wrist. I was under 10.

As I got older I started to get better at my ctb attempts. The times I really feel like ending everything is when I think about getting molested or the times I got raped. I feel disgusting and gross.

Nobody gets it. My friends think I'm overreacting and tell me to get over it but I just don't talk about it anymore. I just cut myself and think of ways to go through with my plan.

Does anyone else feel like ctb because of sexual abuse?

 

[tiredxillenial]

Any abuse especially in childhood can increase suicidality.

To more specifically answer your question:

I have experienced sexual abuse. The first was in very early childhood by an older child. The other times were when I was 12 in repeat attacks by a group of peers. I think my suicidality largely comes from the physical and emotional abuse I experienced by my parents and from workplace bullying and the general shit-ton of discrimination for being trans. Bullying and mistreatment by peers, including the mentioned attacks, are big factors too though.

I also relate to what you say about nobody doing anything when you're a kid. My parents were actually in quite plain sight very abusive to me and no one did anything. I've seen reports where a note was about made about my "discipline issues" noted by my parents. The reports don't mention I was being hit with a belt several times a day everyday and being told that I was responsible for it or any negative emotion felt by my dad. I found out a few years ago that my sister's teachers were concerned, and she said she was acting 'off' because she was upset by how my parents were treating me. My parents were seen as 'model parents' though and it infuriates me that no one did anything.

 

[Gnip]

The highly sexualized older girl next door molested me when I was a boy, causing me to become shy and inhibited. She was tall, voluptuous and aggressive, but I was too young to be ready for that. (She also ruined me for all other girls, none who have ever had any hope of measuring up to her.)

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

If my suspicions are correct, I could've been molested when I was doing my internship. Sexual predators masquerade as the run-of-the-mill person, and come up with clever ways to lure their victims. Making excuses like 'swatting the flies off your back', as a foreign worker had, for instance. I'm no xenophobe, but I'd be cautious of replacing much of our workforce with those culturally distinct from us in their treatment of women.

I was naive, had my head in the clouds, and believed that human nature is inherently good. Like the boiling frog, it was already too late by the time I realised something was amiss. I did make a report, but a lack of effective communication skills led others to think I was 'not telling the truth'. I was subsequently villianised and received a poor grade. What they said to my face that day was hurtful and humiliating, and haunts me to this day.

Thus began my descent down the rabbit-hole of misanthropy. Henceforth seeing humanity as a species continue to survive and thrive is no longer of my interest.

EDIT: This made me relive one of my worst moments, which filled me with rage and hate. Once again, I'm grateful to the SS community for being the most non-judgemental one I've come across.

 

[NodusTollens]

HUGS.

I was sexually assaulted in my early 20s, in my first serious relationship.

 

[Susannah]

When I was 30, I met a really good looking, cool guy, and we started hang out (non sexual). I invited him home, unaware that he was a psycho and had a heavy drug addiction. He held me prisoned for 5 days, in my own appartement. I was regulary beaten and raped, while he would do all kinds of drugs. He tok my phone and locked me inside a room when he went out, so I didn't have any chance to escape. The 5th day/ morning he fell asleep, and I barely managed to get out of my flat before he woke up again. I ran to the top of the roof. There was an elevator shaft on the roof, and I locked myself inside for some hours. When I opened the door again, he was waiting outside, om rage. He literally held me by my legs with my head hanging down outside the roof top, and swore he would drop me. I was sure I was going to die, but he changed his mind, and ran away.

It was like being in a horror movie, and I remember smelling my own fear. A neighbour called the police, and I got a restraining order. Some weeks later I had a call from the investigator that I should be checked for HIV because the rumour said he had it. Luckily, I tested negativ, but it was the darkest time of my life. I just wanted to die. He got a 3 week sentence.

 

[Sherri]

Yes, but taking about it makes me re live it all. So I just leave my comment. I'm sorry you also had to endure that evilness. It's been not easy at all for for sure contributed to me trying to ctb at a very early age also. Stay strong you are not alone. Hugs

 

[Deleted member 7141]

I got molested alot as a kid. By different people and nobody ever helped me. I spent my childhood trying to ctb a few times; hanging with my jump rope, jumping out of my mom's moving car, and trying to cut my wrist. I was under 10.

As I got older I started to get better at my ctb attempts. The times I really feel like ending everything is when I think about getting molested or the times I got raped. I feel disgusting and gross.

Nobody gets it. My friends think I'm overreacting and tell me to get over it but I just don't talk about it anymore. I just cut myself and think of ways to go through with my plan.

Does anyone else feel like ctb because of sexual abuse?

Probably, on some level.

 

[sourpink]

yes.
I'm not really up to sharing any more than that, but I will say this-- I've always felt, after each assault, that surviving that is a fate worse than death. it would have been doing me a kindness to kill me once their torture need had been sated, but of course, rapists and abusers likely know that and maybe causing indirect pain after the fact is an added bonus to them.

 

[UberYeets]

Yeah. I couldn't even do fuck all cos I was underage, underdeveloped, malnourished, maladapted to the area and the guy was a gang member too.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Yes

 

[patheticpartner]

I have, by family members throughout my childhood and adolescence, but it never contributed to my desire to commit suicide. It never really traumatized me. It just disgusts me when I think about it.

 

[Soulless Angel]

Yes, I don't wish to go into it as its personal, but last time i was raped was dec 2018, twice in my own home by a *family friend* it led me to have a full blown mental break down a few months later and whilst I have always lived with suicidal ideation, its triggered something in me, which means suicide is now my aim, im done with this shit

 

[Frauw]

Yes, i dont want to go into it but it has happened as both a child and an adult. I feel as if it has permanently shattered parts of my brain/psyche.

 

[Final Escape]

I got molested alot as a kid. By different people and nobody ever helped me. I spent my childhood trying to ctb a few times; hanging with my jump rope, jumping out of my mom's moving car, and trying to cut my wrist. I was under 10.

As I got older I started to get better at my ctb attempts. The times I really feel like ending everything is when I think about getting molested or the times I got raped. I feel disgusting and gross.

Nobody gets it. My friends think I'm overreacting and tell me to get over it but I just don't talk about it anymore. I just cut myself and think of ways to go through with my plan.

Does anyone else feel like ctb because of sexual abuse?

I'm not sure if the sexual molestation itself made me suicidal though it was terrifying and caused a lot of shame and humiliation. I believe that stuff occurred much earlier in my childhood. It probably happened because my mom frequently abandoned me in infancy and up to first 3 years of life regularly. Your first few years of life are vulnerable especially if your caregiver is not consistent and able to properly be attuned to your needs. Yes absolutely it will contribute to wanting to ctb. It's a major betrayal and violation on a developing young child. It is morally wrong to take advantage of children in this way. It causes serious problems as they attempt to form relationships. It makes it more difficult to trust and damages your worldview.

 

[Still]

Yes, from my childhood into teens. but I'm sorry, I don't have the strength to discuss it further. I'm so incredibly sorry to those who understand this pain. It continues to affect me in many different ways.

 

[Pookie]

Nobody gets it. My friends think I'm overreacting and tell me to get over it but I just don't talk about it anymore. I just cut myself and think of ways to go through with my plan.

Does anyone else feel like ctb because of sexual abuse?

With friends like yours, who needs enemies? They're actually telling you to get over it? Don't they have any empathy? You never get over rape, molestation etc. It changes you as a person forever. You learn to cope with it but you never truly get over it.

Speaking from experience here.

 

[Isitmytime]

Yes. Repeatedly. In addition to my head being smacked against a wall on another occasion by a much older sibling... and other delicacies inherent to having neglectful and abusive parents. So I guess it's more than one factor to consider. I hate to let them win like this, but I am not sure I can handle life any more. I tried fighting for over 40 decades, I'm exhausted.

 

[ClairyFairy]

Yes and yes

 

[EmbraceOfTheVoid]

Threads like these are a reminder that humanity needs to be wiped off the face of the Earth.

A decade ago a family member told me they were molested by my father and I wanted to murder him for weeks. Ever since I've just become more disgusted, resentful, and tense having to live with that monster all while maintaining a mask that has taken its toll on me. I still wonder if anything happened to me because I barely remember anything from the first 10 years of my childhood(dissociative amnesia). I hope be burns in hell anyways and as someone mentioned earlier; the worst part is that people are aware of all kinds of abuse but choose to do nothing.

When I described most human beings to my old therapist I compared it to how people react during a car crash. Most people are just spectators; some take pictures or videos to post on social media, others walk away, and a very miniscule amount of people will actually help the ones in the car wreck. People just don't care because they are selfish.

 

[Hyperbunny]

yes i have but thats not why i want to ctb

 

[megafire]

yes, starting at the age of 4, and the most recent being yesterday.

everything is grey

 

[zevon]

Yes.

I say it started at age 3 by my older neighbor but that's just the earliest age I can pair up with a date of my first remembered experience. It lasted until the summer he died. He was hit by a car. Thrown hundreds of feet by a drunk driver speeding and swerving down a straight road. His dad heard the impact and ran out to find him still alive in a ditch. He was hit so hard it literally knocked his socks off. I'm glad he didn't die on impact and felt horrific pain before leaving this world. I'm also glad the drunk driver served a lengthy sentence for killing people.

I was sexually abused by my mother.
I was sexually abused by my brother.

My first boyfriend is an autogynephile and repeatedly raped me. Now he claims to be trans so he has access to women in vulnerable spaces. He calls himself a "chic with a dick" and constantly posts "memes" of "women with penises" dominating and raping natal women. And, no, I'm not a fucking "transphobe" -- autogynephiles are not trans!!!! They fetishize the idea of being the woman during sex and it has a lot to do with the way women overact in porn. It makes some people exposed to porn at a young age believe that a woman who is truly experiencing pleasure will act in a way that can appear painful. He would steal my clothes after raping me. He still has some of them to this day and wears them. I have seen his Instagram posts. It's such a shame he gets away with saying he's trans. Funny, he has no trans friends! Real transwomen can even see through his violent fetish BS.

Best friends dad got me pass out drunk by giving me sodas over the course of a weekend with unnoticeable amounts of rum to start then I started to feel it and thought it was fun! I was only 12-13 and felt like I was one of the adults! Ended up sexually assaulted. Woke up in the middle of it. Spent the last two days puking my guts out in the middle of the woods where no one could find me.

Raped by a fiancé. He was in the military and we lived off base. He would sneak up on me in the shower, choke me out and rape me. The judge only gave me a 3 month restraining order ;(

There's more but it hurts too much to remember in detail to type out.

Statute of limitations is a joke everywhere. Even when you do report in time no one cares

 

[Symbiote]

My mom "sold" me to a group of pedophiles between the ages of 5-7. Have problems with sexuality till this day. Do not want to go into detail cause I'll be stuck in that loop for awhile.

 

[_Kaira_]

Yes, the first case being when I was 3. Many other times as a teen. I'd like to avoid specifics.

 

[zevon]

My mom "sold" me to a group of pedophiles between the ages of 5-7. Have problems with sexuality till this day. Do not want to go into detail cause I'll be stuck in that loop for awhile.

Hugs to you, my friend. My mother would bring me to the bars with her and I realize now after a lot of therapy she was desperately trying to find someone to sell me to and claim I was kidnapped instead. She would have me, ages 5-10 go around the bar and collect money from the other drunks for what I believe were actually payments for her prostituting herself. I saw/heard everything short of seeing her perform said "sexual favors" and when the alcohol would start to wear off she would remember she could try to sell me instead. Anything to find her drinking, gambling and drug habits.

"Lucky" for me I developed early so the pedos at the bars lost interest in me.

Sorry for hijacking your comment to share another part of my story.

I'm so sorry for everyone who has gone through this.

 

[Symbiote]

Hugs to you, my friend. My mother would bring me to the bars with her and I realize now after a lot of therapy she was desperately trying to find someone to sell me to and claim I was kidnapped instead. She would have me, ages 5-10 go around the bar and collect money from the other drunks for what I believe were actually payments for her prostituting herself. I saw/heard everything short of seeing her perform said "sexual favors" and when the alcohol would start to wear off she would remember she could try to sell me instead. Anything to find her drinking, gambling and drug habits.

"Lucky" for me I developed early so the pedos at the bars lost interest in me.

Sorry for hijacking your comment to share another part of my story.

I'm so sorry for everyone who has gone through this.

No worries man, my mom worked at the bar too, she did extra stuff on the side and I was involved in that because her clients had special "philias" and was willing to pay her a lot of money. Luckily one of them killed himself when he was being investigated and my mom found a person that actually cared about me.

 

[zevon]

No worries man, my mom worked at the bar too, she did extra stuff on the side and I was involved in that because her clients had special "philias" and was willing to pay her a lot of money. Luckily one of them killed himself when he was being investigated and my mom found a person that actually cared about me.

This thread is the last thread I thought would scare me so much...one of my biggest fears is someone being able to identify me on this site and this is the thread that's making me wonder if we are all from the same town, victims of the same people. Yet, in a strange way I wish we could know if we are acquainted IRL. Then we could maybe support each other outside this forum.

Not trying to ask or imply I want you to ID yourself. I worked in infosec and would not recommend it no matter how bonded you may ever feel to anyone on this forum.

So glad your mom found someone who cared about you.

My dad died a few years ago and he was the only one who cared about me. My mom is a malignant narcissist and master manipulator. How many times I heard "your mom is SO COOL!" Ugh! She could fool anyone and she did. My dad was a brilliant man, truly, but even she kept the darkness from his sight or sphere of knowledge. I got messages from my dad's lifelong best friends saying they couldn't talk to me because they didn't want to risk upsetting her.

One way she'd instill fear into keeping me quiet when I was really young was by telling me if I ever told anyone anything my brother and I would get kidnapped and they'd cut my brother's penis off and rape me with it then kill me/us, throwing us out of a moving van into a random ditch or stuff our bodies in the sewer.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

My best friend at the time molested me in November of 2016. Nothing too serious, he mostly just kept touching me suggestively and giving me weird looks one day while we were at his house alone and I was playing Pokémon Sun. I didn't think anything of it at the time and luckily it didn't get very far. Only years later did I realize I was definitely molested or something similar which is probably why he stopped seeing me since then probably because he felt guilty.

For added background, he was what got me to be more accepting of gay people in the first place way before that happened. Like any stupid straight person, I was pretty homophobic at first but when he came out of the closet to me in 2011, he made me realize that to me it didn't matter that he was gay, all that mattered was he was my friend and a good one at that. Unfortunately looking back on it now (and from what I've heard from another friend of ours), my friend came out as gay to me first. He told me this before even his own parents and sister who he's very close to. I suspect he must have thought I was also gay and he was hot for me but unfortunately for him I wasn't and still am not. After over six years of friendship I guess he must have resorted to physically touching me to see if it would awaken my feelings or something but I believe at the time I just blocked it out even though it made me very uncomfortable.

The crazy thing was this was not the only time something like this has happened to me. In 2012 I had a completely different guy come out to me first before anyone else and he also did it because he was attracted to me and assumed I was also gay. Luckily this dude never molested me but it really kills my self esteem that this happened twice. I've had so many people assume I'm gay that sometimes I wish I was, even a little. I'm not even a bit bi either.

I really hate that I became such a deplorable person and that I couldn't have just enjoyed the attention. If he was a woman I believe I wouldn't have cared at all. I don't hate other gay people even though I guess technically I'm literally homophobic in the sense that the idea of ME doing gay stuff makes me uncomfortable but I know it's not really a choice for anyone and that this guy was not the representative of all gay people but I still worry that because it never got too far and because I didn't even realize it was a form of sexual harassment that happened to me until years later, I worry that my situation just proves more of what an evil, hateful person I am which is why I definitely have to CTB.

 

[NightmareTour]

I don't know what I'd categorise it under because I wouldn't see it as being as serious as what happened to some other people, but I did have something happen to me along those lines when I was 21, the day after my mother's wedding. I wasn't attacked or restrained or anything like that, but I was very drunk, I said many times that I didn't want to do it, and I was prevented from leaving. I guess I just went along with it for my own safety and so that I could leave. I don't really want to go into a ton of detail, but it's just another memory on the list of shitty experiences that will always stick with me.

I also had some "questionable" things happen to me in my childhood, and a whole thing with someone blackmailing me for photos as a teenager, had some uncomfortable experiences at bars, and a lot of things that happened with my ex definitely weren't healthy or normal. Overall, I don't think I've ever really had a positive sexual experience.

Definitely contributes to the absolute shit show of a life I've had, but I don't think it's one of the main causes.