Anyone else get molested or raped? And if yes does that contribute to your urge/ need to ctb?

[Myforevercharlie]

My dad molested me until I got my first period.
After that the beating started, until I ran away from home at 15.

For me this is a reason to stay alive. I won't give that motherfucker the satisfaction of ending my life

But, it took me years to get this far.

 

[rhonda]

I would have to say yes, undoubtedly. Childhood abuse, trauma, rewires your brain. The younger you are when it happens, the worse it is. Who knows how I might have turned out. I'm an over achieving, over pleasing, co-dependent, neurotic, self destructive, suicidal mess. I choose toxic, emotionally unavailable, abusive men, who help make me feel like shit and just want to hang myself. I drink to excess. I hate myself. A horrible vicious cycle I feel powerless to stop. What if the abuse never happened? Unfortunately I'll never know. Thanks grandpa.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

It is so fucked up that so many of us had to experience. I've been sexually abused many times, and yes, it contributes quite a bit towards my desire for ctb because I have permanent ptsd.

When I was around 5 or 6 years old, medical professionals did some unspeakable things to me. I can hardly remember specifics except having my clothes taken from me, feeling humiliated, and the first kindlings of ptsd springing up. I began to have sexual thoughts and feelings at that age, that no child should ever have, but these thoughts were only triggered by medical settings. I had no idea that I had been traumatized, I just thought I was defective and disgusting.

I would cry and break down if I had to be around any doctors or hospitals after that event. I've been held down and forcibly injected by nurses as a child too, in addition to being mocked and laughed at for my avoidance of them, which further cemented both my fear and my memories of being tainted.

Around age 13/14, I was targeted by an older male at school who molested me over the course of several months. Police did nothing and he got off scott free. I became hyper aware of the fact that I was a walking target for being used and exploited, due to the fact that I was a naive and disabled young girl.

I learned to hate my body, because I knew my figure was what made men desire me. I was vunerable and easily trusted anyone who pretended to treat me with kindness. When I was 16, I met a man almost ten years my elder, who began grooming me. I was coerced into performing sexual acts without really knowing or understanding what I was doing. He abused me mentally, and eventually physically for almost 2 years. His best friend raped and tortured me.

People treated me like I was filthy and dirty. They acted like I had asked for this abuse. Because I refused to go to the hospital and have a "rape swab" due to all the trauma I'd endured and the previous failings by police, many GROWN ADULTS would not believe me and defended these adult men who were abusing me.

All those years ago, I thought I'd seen the end of being molested by older men. Then around a year ago, I was forced to attend a new doctor's practice. He flirted with me and started asking many times if I had a boyfriend. He used his power and authority to molest me that day, while I was frozen and utterly paralysed with fear. That incident has ruined my life and basically sealed the deal that I am going to have ptsd for life. I cannot trust anyone especially these fucked up doctors.

No one can understand how it feels unless they are a victim too. It is tragic how we must suffer endlessly while our tormenters are out there living the good life, without a care in the world. I will never be able to have proper intimacy. I still desire it somewhat, but all I can think about is my trauma, and that's the only thing that elicits the urge for me. I hate it. They turned me into this inhuman amalgamation who didn't develop properly, and I'm the one who has to pay the price for it. I have no choice but to ctb.

I'm sorry you all know this feeling far too well. We should have never had to endure this.

 

[xBrialesana]

I'm so so sorry to read all of your stories. I'm so sorry to hear that you've all experienced such pain.

I was assaulted by two men on a side street while I was on crutches. That's not what killed me. The twins that resulted from it were. They're no longer with us.

I knew I was going to ctb, but that is what pushed me to get everything prepared. I'm just floating around right now but things are looking like soon. I've been ready since last year but because of covid and the elections I've just been floating and watching the world go to hell. It's been wild. Living in LA it's sooo bad

 

[deadinsideforever]

I got molested alot as a kid. By different people and nobody ever helped me. I spent my childhood trying to ctb a few times; hanging with my jump rope, jumping out of my mom's moving car, and trying to cut my wrist. I was under 10.

As I got older I started to get better at my ctb attempts. The times I really feel like ending everything is when I think about getting molested or the times I got raped. I feel disgusting and gross.

Nobody gets it. My friends think I'm overreacting and tell me to get over it but I just don't talk about it anymore. I just cut myself and think of ways to go through with my plan.

Does anyone else feel like ctb because of sexual abuse?

I was sexually abused starting around age 4 by my dad, then he sold me on at around 6/7 and from there it carried on with various different men until I was around 14/15. I 100% understand, that horrible crawling feeling of disgust, wanting to tear your skin off etc. I'm 45 now with 2 sons, I have battled depression all my life with many suicide attempts, some more serious than others and an almost constant contact with psych services. I have been blamed and gaslighted and told I'm being hysterical or acting irrationally. But what I want to say to you is that you are valid, your feelings are valid, you don't/ can't just get over it, please if you want to chat to someone who knows where you are coming from please message me.
it really pisses me off that people expect you to just forget it, like I hadn't tried that, right! You are not alone, you are valid

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

If my suspicions are correct, I could've been molested when I was doing my internship. Sexual predators masquerade as the run-of-the-mill person, and come up with clever ways to lure their victims. Making excuses like 'swatting the flies off your back', as a foreign worker had, for instance. I'm no xenophobe, but I'd be cautious of replacing much of our workforce with those culturally distinct from us in their treatment of women.

I was naive, had my head in the clouds, and believed that human nature is inherently good. Like the boiling frog, it was already too late by the time I realised something was amiss. I did make a report, but a lack of effective communication skills led others to think I was 'not telling the truth'. I was subsequently villianised and received a poor grade. What they said to my face that day was hurtful and humiliating, and haunts me to this day.

Thus began my descent down the rabbit-hole of misanthropy. Henceforth seeing humanity as a species continue to survive and thrive is no longer of my interest.

EDIT: This made me relive one of my worst moments, which filled me with rage and hate. Once again, I'm grateful to the SS community for being the most non-judgemental one I've come across.

The incident above was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. Earlier on I had encounters of the same kind that directly or indirectly contributed to my trust issues.

One day in middle school I was on my way home on board a crowded bus. There were no seats available and I had to hold on to the railings for support. Someone who looked like my History teacher got on the bus and made my way towards me. (I didn't say 'hello'. I couldn't be sure as I only got a glimpse of his face.) He then positioned himself with his back facing me and started rubbing his buttocks on my waist/midsection. I had no idea what sexual harassment was at that time—my reaction was that of confusion, as to why he did what he did. For some reason, I averted his gaze whenever he turned to look at me. Only when my peers called him a 'wolf' (a local term used for sexual predators) some time later, did I know that I had been molested.

Another time I was with a male colleague on board the train on our way home from work. (I was working part-time at a Japanese restaurant during the holidays). It was at night, and the carriage was almost empty. While we were chatting, he put his hand on my seat as I sat down, quickly retracting it as soon as it made contact with my buttocks. I was too caught up in talking about anime that I failed to notice something amiss. That is, until I got home.

My encounters made me wonder what made me an easy target and a 'magnet' for harassment. I blamed myself for my ignorance, and for being overly assuming of positive intent in others.

 

[xLosthopex]

I guess so, on multiple occasions, but(and I dunno if this is weird or makes me a bad person or something) I never really saw(see?) them as a big deal ? I dunno if that's because of me blocking out stuff in my head/suppressed memories or that 'unresolved trauma' thing that people always talk about… I feel like that word-trauma- is so overused these days that it doesn't even mean anything to me anymore, I guess I could say my whole life has been one big trauma lol but again I dunno if that's just me overreacting… or maybe I'm under-reacting and just hate myself so much that anything that happens to me I don't even consider 'trauma' because I believe I'm a horrible person who deserves any bad thing that happens to me ? Honestly I don't know the answer, my brain is just a pile of mush at this stage anyway

But to answer the question: no I don't think it's contributed at all to me wanting to ctb because I don't think(?) I see any of these incidents as a big deal

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I'm just now remembering a few incidents when I was a child and also when I was a teen. When I was a teen in middle school I remember another guy gripping me from behind while I was walking in the hallway alone and some teen boy groped me and rubbed up against me. That was utter harassment I brushed it off.

also when I was a kid these two kids would touch me inappropriately one time and another would tell me about the sexual things happening in her household I was like 6-9 years old none of this exposure was okay that young.

my first relationship was abusive, as he took advantage of me and forced me to do oral acts in theaters I thought this was what normal gfs and bfs did. I don't know why I didn't tell anyone of those kids touching me inappropriately the teacher one time tried to stop one boy from touching me when we would sit in the back of class. I don't know why I allowed these things to happen but things were so dysfunctional at home and constant fist fights with my dad and older brother I didn't know who to talk to it's all just a blur. I didn't even really know what was taking place but I know it made me uncomfortable.

the kids though we're exposed to things growing up they shouldn't have been exposed to at the time so I forgive them however I'm wondering why I didn't react and fight back

 

[Toonloon]

I'm just now remembering a few incidents when I was a child and also when I was a teen. When I was a teen in middle school I remember another guy gripping me from behind while I was walking in the hallway alone and some teen boy groped me and rubbed up against me. That was utter harassment I brushed it off.

also when I was a kid these two kids would touch me inappropriately one time and another would tell me about the sexual things happening in her household I was like 6-9 years old none of this exposure was okay that young.

my first relationship was abusive, as he took advantage of me and forced me to do oral acts in theaters I thought this was what normal gfs and bfs did. I don't know why I didn't tell anyone of those kids touching me inappropriately the teacher one time tried to stop one boy from touching me when we would sit in the back of class. I don't know why I allowed these things to happen but things were so dysfunctional at home and constant fist fights with my dad and older brother I didn't know who to talk to it's all just a blur. I didn't even really know what was taking place but I know it made me uncomfortable.

the kids though we're exposed to things growing up they shouldn't have been exposed to at the time so I forgive them however I'm wondering why I didn't react and fight back

It's called freeze response. It's a response people are now accepting is real. Before we only recognized fight or flight response. But now we know the third exists "freeze". Where people just freeze during an attack. Especially during sexual attacks.

Lots of survivors of sexual attacks and abuse feel responsible. Especially when it happened by other kids and trusted people.
For me it was a teen cousin and I was a little kid. Again two other relatives with large age gap.
It wasn't my fault. It was any survivors fault. It was the abusers no matter the age. They took advantage of weaker ppl.

 

[Hurt]

I wasn't molested or abused but I'm so sorry for people here that went through those horrible experiences. Hugs

 

[Starryeyes]

Someone tried to rape me when I was 15. It does bother me sometimes. It contributes to my panic attacks. I also saw him a few weeks ago first time since as he moved abroad. I don't think he recognised me as he said hello.
I don't think it really contributes to my desire to CTB though.