Story Anyone else feels like they chemfucked themselves

[Graveyardly]

I started doing drugs early, like I've seen people do it earlier but I'm not saying that's a good standard to compare.

I had a very traumatic experience age 7 then developed depression that was diagnosed as "just a phase" for pretty much my whole life. Along with depression anhedonia, and that's the real killer here. I couldn't feel anything, I was never there, completely detached from anything as a kid. But when I started doing drugs, with weed at age like 13 my brain went "that's one thing that brings good feelings" amongst a sea of nothingness and suicidal feelings and passivity. Like I felt for the first time one thing that makes me feel alive. After that I used weed on and off until 21 where I discovered shrooms. Then in the years following research chemicals, lsd, others notably ketamine. And all the while I endure my life I'm just telling, I push through until uni is over, it'll get better in a real job. Meanwhile I just still couldn't feel engaged in any activity, or anything that related to living, I mostly lived when I was high. And I feel like that's the problem.

Maybe some of you can understand this feeling of only living high to high. What I'm trying to get across is that I never engaged in life, no activity ever felt as rewarding or as interesting as drugs. And so I kept getting drained inward until my psyche was mostly made up of ideas and concepts I had constructed when high, which was the only time I self reflected or analysed life, in what felt a detached, non anxious relationship. And so i feel now in my 30s that I can never enjoy hiking, or swimming, or any of those things. Or even friends. I can't enjoy them because I've tried them and they were boring as shit. I couldn't feel a single hit of dopamine or whatever. I was just doing things to pass time, and the things happen to be mostly annoying.

So that weird tirade, sorry I'm on 300mcg of lsd right now, do you feel like for life you will never be able to get attached or involved in real life stuff because your brain is so desensitised by drugs. And knowing that you were drawn to drugs because you felt nothing, what could have even happened to make life different ?

 

[Oxymorphone]

I can 100% relate to that! Anhedonia has hit me in childhood already, I remember my parents trying to get me to play soccer, tennis and countless other activities, but I always preferred to stay inside.

I've tried every major drug in my teens and opioids are still my absolute favorite. I just wish I would have never tried THC as it made me have my first panic attack. Never had a bad experience with any other substance.

I think it's okay to only live for drugs, we aren't harming anyone but ourselves and it's certainly less traumatic for our loved ones than suicide.

Enjoy your LSD my friend!